Texas Chili
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot of the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy SH#", what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*#-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Chili
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b*#$h is
starting to look HOT!, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Damn those rednecks.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*# myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that #*@# Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about
judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh&#
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
