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#302044 - 04/15/10 12:41 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Murph]
CV Offline
Founder, Axiom Upgrade Club
shareholder in the making

Registered: 07/20/06
Posts: 11146
Loc: Richland, WA, USA
I just watched that episode last night. I liked it. This morning, I got another friend request from a relative I don't really know.
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#302592 - 04/20/10 01:05 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: CV]
Adrian Offline
axiomite

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 6600
Loc: It's all about the location.
This "could be" a true story....

An elderly man from Newfoundland calls up his lawyer and asks.

"Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears dat people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause day got cancer and udders are suing the Big Mac company cause day got fat and all kinds of stuff!"

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do YOU fit under?"

The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul, answers....

"Neider b'y, I just wants to know if I can sue Molson's for all dem ugly women I woke up wit...."
_________________________
Half of communication is listening. You can't listen with your mouth.

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#302672 - 04/21/10 07:51 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Adrian]
davidsch Offline
aficionado

Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 678
Loc: Houston, Texas
I'll follow that path...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
A package of gum.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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#302673 - 04/21/10 08:40 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: davidsch]
EFalardeau Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 3270
Loc: Laval, Quebec, Canada
Not bad! \:\)
_________________________
E = MC2 = ((2M80 + VP180 + 4QS8)/(EP800 + EP500))^(ADA1500 x D2v)
Audiobytes! 2M22! 2VP150!

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#302694 - 04/21/10 12:21 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: EFalardeau]
CV Offline
Founder, Axiom Upgrade Club
shareholder in the making

Registered: 07/20/06
Posts: 11146
Loc: Richland, WA, USA
Not the good, either. The ugly it is!
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SuperGrand UltraDeluxe (Plus Extra More)

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#302761 - 04/21/10 06:33 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: CV]
Adrian Offline
axiomite

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 6600
Loc: It's all about the location.
This story is true:

My neighbours and good friends, John and Kathy, have an adult son who has had to deal with cerebral palsy all his life, and as such Kathy is the founding member of a program to help disabled people. The program has been going for quite a number of years now with great success from donations and sponsers from individuals and companies alike which has helped them not only keep the program going but they were also able to purchase a small bus with wheelchair accessability this past year as well.

Anyway, each year they hold a raffle to help raise money for the program with some of the better prizes being things like a 40" flatscreen TV to computers to small kitchen appliances like microwaves or coffeemakers ect. Many of the parents of the "kids" (adults actually) in the program attend the raffle and buy tickets at $20ea to try and win which ever prize they want to use their ticket on, as well as anyone else who wishes to contribute to the cause.

John usually buys a couple of hundred $$ of tickets but hands them to Kathy to check the numbers whenever they bid on something. Now, being a founding member of this program she sometimes has the opportunity to draw the winning ticket from the basket on some of the items.

So the item up for raffle happened to be a nice laptop, so Kathy bids a couple of tickets but is also asked to spin the basket and choose the winning ticket. As she spins it and is about to choose a ticket, some fellow up front says "If she wins, it's fixed" so she asked him if he'd like to pick the winning ticket. He goes up to the stage, feels around the tickets, pulls one out and calls the number....nobody seems to have the winning ticket, nobody's saying anything....Kathy then looks at the ticket stubs she has...!!!! HaHa, the guy picked her ticket!! what justice.

Just to be clear, the people, volunteers ect are all allowed to join in this (relatively small) raffle, since without them it wouldn't be able to make any money for the program and the chances for people to win something are very good. I believe they give back about $1 per $2 spent which is quite good.
_________________________
Half of communication is listening. You can't listen with your mouth.

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#302801 - 04/22/10 08:42 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Adrian]
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10832
Loc: Central NH
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#302924 - 04/22/10 10:38 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: MarkSJohnson]
BobKay Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 03/23/10
Posts: 3115
Loc: Massachusetts Badlands
Well dressed 75 year old man on stool in elegant hotel bar.

Beautifully decked out 70 year old woman comes in . They make instant eye contact. She approaches and takes the next stool.

"You are amazing looking, my dear," he exclaims. "I've never seen you before. Do I come here often?"
_________________________
I never wanted to run in an election, but I always thought it'd be cool to die in office.

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#302925 - 04/22/10 10:50 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
CatBrat Offline
axiomite

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 5801
Loc: Some random location
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

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#302929 - 04/22/10 11:05 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: CatBrat]
BobKay Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 03/23/10
Posts: 3115
Loc: Massachusetts Badlands
lol--twice!
_________________________
I never wanted to run in an election, but I always thought it'd be cool to die in office.

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