Yesterday, planetary scientists announced that they have discovered the first planet in a solar system's habitable zone. It is 600 light years from home.

It would be so cool if we could, sometime very soon, overcome the time/space issues and get there in the same number of months it took early 16thC explorers to arrive at the previous "new world."

It would also be cool if there were to be a "commutable" planet in the same system, one with advanced civilizations on it.

Imagine the looks on their triple-tiered faces when they realize their solar system is going Levittown! We'll send Michael Moore and Ken Burns to document just how long it will take our current technology to f'up a whole, shiny, new planet.

It will be named Tyvekia, as a distant memory of those bold, but fading graphics on the sides of houses in northern New England and Canada (and Washington state). Our neighbors on Heliostomy 5
will call our new home Pennsyltucky, since we introduced "dew mouth" to an entire to planetary system. With 3 sets of teeth, fixin' that ain't gonna be cheap for folks on H5.

Then there will be the decline in property values on H5, as we duplicate the 600-mile Central Pacific trash spiral 1500 miles above Tyvekia. Aurora? What aurora? We don't see no stinkin' aurora. We'll change the colors of those skies faster than a mood ring.

Finally, Steve Winn will come along and turn Tyvekia into The Casino Planet, simply because there was no one to contest our bid to be recognized as native peoples and the land-use permits were already in his name.

Everyone on H5 will come to Pennslytucky for the same reasons we go to the State Fair---to gawk at the tatooed loser wastrels. All the dealers with be Heliostomites--those 3-tiered faces come in real handy for nabbing cheaters, but the cocktail waitresses will continue to be "imported" from home by Russian traffickers, still angry that the Hammer and Sicle never made it to the moon.


Always call the place you live a house. When you're old, everyone else will call it a home.