I've been married almost a year and a half and am a father of a 10 month old daughter. My god how ones life changes. So much so that I wasn't expecting the incredible transition.

I went from buying $1000+ paintball guns on a nearly bi-monthly basis, as well as an easy $600 on paintball every month. It was my addiction, obsession, and life 5 months of the year. Martial arts is also part of it, but not nearly as expensive. Since having these new responsibilites of fatherhood and a mortgage, my spending has been DRAMATICALLY reduced.

Essentially now, all my savings bonds are my HT project money. However when it comes time to cash them out and splurge a little bit, the wife seems a bit hesitant to support my purchases even though they are my savings.

I guess I wanted to hear from others here that have more life experiance (in a sense) with being dads, and how you guys handle the HT bug of purchasing things.

I use the logic that although the initial investment may be expensive, in the long run it pays itself off. I use to goto movies a lot, but now to save money(and an overall better experiance) we watch them at home.

With the economy the way it is, this seems a better solution to going out, when we can have friends come over for a potluck dinner and movie night.

thats one of the only things I remember from the birth of our first. Everybody tells you its a huge change, but its really a ginormously huge change!

I always saved ahead for fun purchases. For my HT I decided anything I earned above a certain amount would go to the HT fund. At the same time I set myself another personal savings goal I had to meet at the same time so about 80% of total savings went towards the HT.

With a young family it is probably a very good idea to have some savings as a backup for unexpected challenges.

As a husband, my money became our money when we married. As a father, I prioritize things that benefit everyone over things that benefit me alone. I understand that not every man is comfortable with giving up his me money nor does every wife expect him to do so. We just thought it made sense for us. I earn most of the money, but she handles most of our life's details. You can't attach a salary to that.

My wife is coming around on the "need" for us to upgrade some of our HT equipment, primarily the TV -- we're still stuck in the tube ages. This is a benefit to the family, so it's an easier sell.

I completely agree with you. What used to be spending money before our child, now goes to diapers and formula,which leaves essentially nothing for spending money. We put aside savings every paycheck for emergencies, as well as another for a Holiday Fund. Thats why when I cash out my savings bonds ( usually every 6-9 months) it feels like Christmas. Thats actually how I'm funding my new speakers. Savings Bonds, and I sold a couple paintball guns.

Logic is often the worst way to sway someone to your point of view. People usually make decisions at an emotional level and then use reason to justify them. If you want someone to agree with you find an emotional hook to snare them and then use reason (logic) to help them justify their decision.

In your case if you have any friends with nice home theaters work a deal to start inviting each other over for movie nights. Your wife may then be more receptive to upgrading if what they have gives a substantially better experience than your system and she has a propensity for “keeping up with the Joneses.”

Another tack might be to start going to movies and using a babysitter. The whole babysitter thing may give her angst causing her want to stay home for “quality” movies.

Basically, think of an emotional reason that would motivate her and then create a situation to leverage it letting her lead herself to the decision rather than trying to push/pull her to it.

I can already hear the cries “that it’s manipulative and selfish.” To which I answer “yes” and “maybe” respectively. It’s definitely selfish if you manipulate people for selfish reasons, but not IMO if you do it for that person’s or the group’s greater good in which case we usually call it leadership.

So ask yourself how high upgrading your HT is on the list of things your family needs. In short don’t loose sight of the forest for the trees. Peter and Fred offer sage advice in that your goals now focus around the common good and to reach them you need a realistic financial plan. Before embarking on an HT upgrade project I would create an overall financial plan to ensure you’re family is protected in these rough economic times. Then see what you can afford to start putting aside for fun things.

Cheers,
Dean

P.S. I’m divorced so what do I know.

I gave up one expensive hobby (golf) for another (HT). I limit my purchases to one item per year and I usually make it my birthday gift to myself. I also save a bit each month for something that I really want. Sometimes the money that I have put aside for an audio purchase ends up getting used for something more necessary but I am thankful that I put it aside. Also, I am not opposed to buying used audio equipment to save money. Congratulations on fatherhood. It and marraige were the best things to ever happen to me!

Peter's statement....wow...it matches my thoughts, my purpose, my experience from the past 20 years. I could not say it better than he did. My oldest daughter is now 20 and a Junior at UNC. If you follow this path, (unless you make a boatload of money) you will make sacrifices of your personal wishes and desires - and you will not regret it in the long run.

One other thing......When my oldest daughter was about 10 months old, I was driving around town and some jerk did something stupid right in front of me. I dropped the "F" bomb and a second or two later out of the car seat in the back seat came a sweet little voice repeating back to me the "F" bomb. I am not kidding when I say my knees went weak. All I could think of was "please, please, PLEASE - never say that again" and I meant it to both me and her. Then I thought - don't make a big deal out of it and maybe she won't repeat it around my wife. She never did, but I was on pins and needles for several months after that.........Rob

I will enthusiastically and warmly applaud the comments so far, especially Peter and davidsch.

I'm firmly on the "Happy Wife - Happy Life" program. It serves me well.

I often tell my wife how much I enjoy our "home theater" (using that term ennobles the actual set up in a way that I'm not comfortable with). So, she knows "this stuff" makes me happy. Further, one of my very favorite things in the world is being with her, on the couch at the end of the day watching just about anything for an hour before bedtime. I tell her so. She has embraced this ritual.

So, while she is not as fascinated by the equipment as I am, she readily connects this hobby with joyful, shared moments.

Good call on the M60's, btw

Pmbuko and davidsch, I completely agree. I didn't want to come across as pouting that my days of frivilous spending are gone. Or that I'm upset that I have to spend money on responsiblethings.

My intent was rather at the shock of going from one extreme to the next in regards to extra spending cash. As a matter of fact, last month I had to use my saving bonds to pay $400 in unexpected vet bills, and some of my income tax return is going to buy us a bed frame.
In regards to the 'logic' in my thinking, it was for myself. Not to convince anyone else. That was simply the way I looked at it.

As Pmbuko pointed out about the 'our money' relationship I agree and disagree to a point. My wife and I are both bus drivers and make the same amount of money. We split whatever our total monthly bills are(actually I pay more as she's on Maternity leave) and whatever is left after that we get to use as coffee money for ourselves. If she wants to save that money for a year and buy a $600 purse then she can, and I have no right telling her otherwise. And vice versa. However, emergencies do come up, or hot water tanks need replacing, then the money for that new reciever I had been saving for goes to that. My wealthy Uncle and Aunt always did things that way and had their seperate accounts and it saved them a LOT of fighting. As long as the bills and needs of the family were met first, then there were no issues.

Phew. That was a long winded rant. So do your kids love your hobby and theater or video games ? I remember the first time my wife brought our daughter into the theater and I had Kung Fu Panda playing. The look of awe and fascination on her face was priceless. I look forward to pulling out the sleeping bags for movie night and building forts all over the house !

Good stuff in here. We're such a thoughtful bunch.

Unfortunately I can't add a whole lot. I'm lucky in that my wife actually encourages me to explore and buy 'nice' HT gear. She has a more critical ear than I do. While she could care less about how many acronyms are at work to produce the sound, she cares very deeply about the overall sound quality. She's far more critical of MP3 compression than I am, for instance. She actually came home from work somewhat grumpy one day because one of her coworkers had just but in a Bose system at home and wouldn't stop talking about wonderful it was. Seriously.

And we don't have any kids, so there's a huge part of the "equation-of-household-happiness" that we don't have to deal with.

It sounds like you've got a good plan. Before we got married, 9 years ago, we had to talk to the pastor that would be doing the service. He offered us what I feel is good advice. In his view, the #1 priority of marriage is to always support one another. And #2 is to keep each other happy. While those aren't big secrets, I think there's a lot of truth in there.

Just as my wife doesn't know why I want a Reala upscaler, she supports the decision to get one. Just as I may not understand why that Viking mixer is better than the Kitchenaid, I support her when she wants one. So long as you and your partner act responsibly and make realistic decisions with regards to whatever your finances are, there's no reason that either party should be deprived of something that makes them happy.

Ghost,

I hope my response didn't sound too judgmental. I certainly didn't intend it that way. It sounds like the two of you have a system that works well for you. If both of us made similar money (perhaps at some point in the future...) we'd have a good reason to revisit our arrangement.

Both of my kids enjoy movies -- especially animated ones. My son, who is older, will leave the room the second he thinks something scary is going to happen. It's pretty cute. My younger daughter will stay even if it is a bit scary.

Amen. I've got my HT, firearms and tools... she likes wine, diamonds, shoes and travelling. We leave the other alone (except for trying to get the other to appreciate our hobbies - except the shoes) about what and when they buy what.

Bren R.

So Bren, what exactly do you have in common?

She lets him use her old shoes for target practice....

We both think I'm awesome.

Bren R.

I think you're awesome, too. Wanna get married?

You have another role to play, JP!

Without "me", it would just be "aweso"

So, Peter, tell me more about the Viking v. Kitchenaid situation.

Last year she replaced the 5qt Kitchenaid mixer that she got as a wedding present (in 2000) with a 7qt Viking one. AFAIK, there was nothing actually wrong with the KA one. She just wanted an upgrade. Fine by me.

The Viking one more appropriately matches the colors in the kitchen, has a bigger bowl, and I see that it has a 1000 watt motor as opposed to the 350 watt motor in the KA. Just as in HT, more watts = better, without question.

But as my wife says, the Viking's larger bowl combined with high wattage motor results in far superior bread dough abilities. I have tasted the results, and she is correct. I'm fairly sure you could put bricks in the bowl and it could turn them into a nice mousse. It handles even the densest doughs without a care in the world. Sort of like an A1400-8 + M80's.

Well, there goes the blu-ray player budget...

Sounds like you have a bit of paintball gear that probably doesn't get as much usage. Maybe clear out some of your older/less-utilized gear and sell it off. Use that to fund some of your new HT gear.

That's what I've done to fund my tube gear for the most part.

BTW, good comments all around. The easiest way to think about it is "How can it add to the family?" If you can fit decisions into that flow, you may end up finding solutions that satisfy everyone.

When my first kid was young, I had taken out most of my active pursuits. I then started to ride (road biking) when possible. I convinced the wife that we could buy a nice, high end bike/jog stroller. My wife likes to run and I like to ride. She was able to jog w/ the kids and I can pull the kids on the trailer. 5 years later we're on a 2nd trailer for both kids and it gets used almost daily.

It really is a plus when the whole family enjoys it. To be honest, my wife is just as happy watching movies upstairs in the family room, and the quality of the sound is really not that important to her. But, she knows how important it is to me, and we can afford a nice theater.

The extra added benefit though is that both of my little boys enjoy it almost (if not more) than I do! They can't wait to come downstairs and listen to music and dance together. So far, our theater has built many memories that my wife and I will remember forever. I hope my kids will be able to think back at our times together too!

I agree. We have a tube stereo setup in the living room. It's connected to my XM Radio. When the kids listen to Radio Disney, they have their own little dance party when any of the High School Musical songs come on. Watching your 6 yr old and 3 yr old jumping around, dancing and laughing is worth the cost of the gear, no question.

Yeah i actually sold off about 1/3 of my collection to pay off debt, and just have my essential collection left. I table top wargame and paint as well. I 'geek' it up as she puts it. It beats going out to bars and wasting money on beer and booze. I left those days behind me with the Army.

Thats what im talking about!! The memories that they'll have.

Really good stuff so far and a great topic.

So back when my wife and I got married in 94 she was well aware of my addiction to this hobby. That was when we had a small house, both were working, and no kids, I wouldn't think about dropping a grand on a piece of audio equipment.

Now, I make more than three times as much money but hum and haw about spending $300 on my hobby. The difference is Kids (and that fact that working for a living is highly over-rated and I would like to retire someday). It's not that kid's cost a lot, they do, it's the added pressure on me to ensure they have a good standard of living and ensure they have some type of future.

So this is how I justify this hobby to my wife. I don't own a motorcycle, snowmobile, scuba gear, skydive, hang glider, boat, RV, red convertible sports car (although that is on the list), bar hop or chase skirts. Hell, I don't even fly an airplane anymore. So when I am watching a movie in my dedicated HT room, she knows where I am (home), I am safe, and I am reachable.

For her, these are key. There alot of other hobbies that I could be into that don't offer these things. So she figures, it could be a lot worse.

Ofcoarse the fact that she is a huge NASCAR fan and loves to watch the races on a 130" screen in HD doesn't hurt either.

paul

I justify my hobbies in a similar way to Wofarza - my two biggest hobbies (please try to appreciate the dichotomy here) are Bird Watching and Turkey Hunting. Both have one time purchases to get the gear and then the resto of the hobby is free - if you don't put a cost on "time spent".

I, too, used to drop cash on items without hesitation until the kids got older and we were conciously saving for retirement and college. Now, those $300 decisions are much more debated than ever before......

But I bet they'd still be dancing and laughing if they were listening to a portable boom box with one speaker out of commission that you picked up off Freecycle.

Not really (at least my kids). They show little interest in music when it is playing over the tv speakers. The oldest one actually asks to go down to the theater to dance.

Wow, I just read my own post and it sounds like I do nothing but work, eat, and watch movies all day (maybe that's not so bad, LOL).

I would have to say my biggest hobby and most rewarding are my kids. Next to work, they take up most of my time. And I don't mind a bit.

I really enjoy the time my son and I spend watching movies, he is 5 now and his attention span is starting to get to the point when we can watch some pretty cool movies like Jurasic Park, Star Wars, Men In Black, instead of Cars, or Monsters Inc, or Lion King. Don't get me wrong, those are great movies too, I am just sick of them, LOL!

paul

I'd rather watch the credits of any of those movies than watch "Wa Wa Woobsy" one more time

But I do... And I'm thankful.

Yes, Paul, but at some point he'll start to have "opinions". And no good comes from that.

I do remember being extremely happy when my kids graduated to higher-level content, and could also actually sit through a whole baseball game.

Yes, I agree. I am hoping to raise free and critical thinking children. Although as long as their opinion reasonably matches mine, we will all get along.

Today I was trying to explain to my 5 year old son (who is now very much into dinosaurs) that dinosaurs probably evolved into birds. I wasn’t prepared for the massive amount of info I had to go through to get him to understand this concept. He is really smart and I could see on his face he was really trying to comprehend what I was saying, but I clearly lost him right after I told him about the meteor that hit the earth. He thought I said Meat Eater. I knew right then I was in trouble. My wife was doing everything she could not to laugh.

paul

Have him watch Disney's movie "Dinosaur", it may help, My 5 yr old loved/loves this movie from the time he was 3 this was the only movie he would sit through from beginning to end. I like it as it has some good effects for the system

When my youngest was 4, she asked me one day "daddy, who made God?". I said, "I don't know, honey". She then said "well...who made the person who made God?". I said, "I don't know, honey". Then she said "who made the person who made the person that made God?" She added "It just keeps goin' back?" That is when it blew me away. She HAD the concept of infinity and she was only 4.....A memory that I will never forget. She just turned 18 the other day and now she knows a lot more about everything than I do

We might all be geniuses if not for the US education system. (No offense to the many great teachers I had, of course.)

My Physics teacher asked me if I understood "infinity".
I said "yes" to which he obviously replied, "explain it then."

I said, "I can't, I'm not done yet."

First he gave me his cranky look, then he said "Correct" and went on to the next person.

Now....That's funny!!

I still can't sit through a baseball game. It might have something to do with being in the Dallas area and having to deal with the Texas Rangers team.