Hey, Toneeee! Listen up. I got some 'dvice fa youz.

First o' alls, dat time in da gym don't seem ta be helpin' outchya face a whole lot. Hey, don't get me wrawng. I know dat da 60's is still in 'nd everyting, but I don't tink dat includes A'fred E. Newman.

Seriously, brudder, you coulda had dat blind guy's job. Ta get in all dis trouble and still be dry. I can't see wheah it's wort it.

Look, I know she's an x-ray and dat ain't whatcya always in da mood ta pound. Butcha know, it's cool dese days ta marry a whoah. Really! I seen dis show--dey got all dese crazy f'upped broads who's all married ta these rich and famous guys. Dey all look like whoahs. And I known some whoahs dat wasn't dat classy, but I'd radder be seen wit dem at Vinnie's Venetian Gahdens dan any dese bitches. I mean, a coupladem are real hot, but I wouldn't do 'em from anudda state, wit Rosie's strap-on tied to a goa'post.

Guy, George Clooney dated hahr. Dja know how many guys'd kill for Clooney's sloppies? Do ya? What is she? Ain't she like some princess from Tibet or summ'n? Buddy, you could use her connections some day, for like a pardon ya might need, or summ'n.

'memba how I told ya's dat da phone brought down de Anguilos and some a da udda fam'lies? But dey wasn't sendin' picthas o' dere schwanzes, ya know?

So, Tony, baby... Wait, what'd you say your last name was? Shit! Lemme see dat schwanz picthca. Holy f--kin' 'a.'

Ya ain't neva seen me or nuthin.'
I'm in a wholatta trouble. Ya know, mistakes like dis ain't' been so cool since Lepke got fried.

'memba, I knows wheah youz live and whatchya look like negged, so don't go doin' anyting stupid- like. I'm watchin' ya.

I was trying to figure out which celebrity accent I should read that in, but I failed.

Who would be good? Joe Pesci? Marlon Brando? Joan Rivers? Fat Tony from The Simpsons? Maccauley Culkin?

Yeah, I was going with Tony Soprano.

Bob, you lose me within the first few words of your meandering soliloquies .

But I love them because they're AWESOME !

When I was "composing" it, I was simultaneously thinking of Edward G. Robinson and Elmer Fudd.

Seriously, I encounter people who talk like that everyday since I've been a multi-degreed-failure tradesman. Crap, I had relatives that sounded almost that bad.

Cam, don't be concerned. By the 2nd paragraph of these thingies, I'm not sure anymore either.

I read it in Mark's accent.

I'm flattered!

Those that have spoken to me have told me I sound EXACTLY like Emo Phillips!

Mark, that made me LOL.

Dude. Your writing reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut.

... only on acid.

... and stranger.

When are you releasing your first book?

He already has........

{{<<--~~ In His Mind~~~-->>}}

I read it in an Andrew Dice Clay accent. Mawk's accent didn't work for me.

Hadn't even thought of him, but great choice. Anyone remember when he got in deep scheiss for something he said and apologized on Leno---and cried! Just another foul-mouthed pussy in leather.

I've always thought he is a complete moron. And pussy !

Damn it to hell. It's already over.

No weeks and weeks of more and more women, nastier and nastier photos, people lower and lower on the food chain weighing in, etc.

A "sex" scandal just up and gone in less than 2 weeks. Jeez, Wilbur Mills and Fannie Fox lasted longer than that.

And the "NY Post" headlines that will never be:

*Congress Whines, Weens Wiener Over Weener

*Wiener's Weenergate

*The Wiener Affiar: A Circumspect tale of Circumvention, Circumcision, and Circ du Soleil.

*Angry Ant'ny: Wiener Gets Cleaner, Meaner

*Anthony Wiener: Dickhead Goes to Washington?

Well, here's hoping the Schwartzenggar/Skeletor 'DV' gets televised. She's super scary in HD!

Did you hear how Larry Flynt wants to hire him? No joke.


Here's the joke:

Yeah, he wants to milk every last drop of Wiener's political capital before it dries up.