Politics is getting me down. This thread is for funny stuff. Jokes, funny pictures, etc etc...
Here's a nice clean one to start off:
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Okay, Peter, that wasn't bad, but it was far too clean.
Teacher in the 6th grade science class asks her students: "What part of human anatomy increases 10 times in size when stimulated?" Suzie immediately objects:"You shouldn't be talking to us about things like that; we're only in the 6th grade!" Teacher ignores her and repeats: "What part of human anatomy increases 10 times in size when stimulated?" Suzie jumps up, hands on hips and says:"I'm going to tell my mother; she'll go to the school board, and you'll be fired!" Teacher asks the question a 3rd time, Johnny raises his hand and says: "The pupil of the eye". Teacher praises him and turns to Suzie: "Suzie, I've got three things to tell you; first, you've got a dirty mind; second, you didn't study your homework assignment; and third, a few years from now you're going to be AWFULLY disappointed"
HA!
Now that you've gone there...
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
Allright!
One night 6 year old Jimmy hears noises from the parents' bedroom and walks in. There's mommy straddling daddy and bouncing up and down. Jimmy runs out and mommy, embarrassed, throws on a robe and runs to Jimmy's bedroom, confident that she knows exactly how to explain. Jimmy asks: "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" Mommy replies: "Jimmy, you may have seen that daddy's tummy was getting too big, so I was exercising on it to push it back down". Jimmy shakes his head: " Mom, you're just wasting your time." "Why's that". "Cause every day that you go out to shop the lady from next door comes over, gets down on her knees, and blows it right back up again!"
Awesome.
Ray3 and Ajax were talking about Viagra. Ajax had never heard of it and asked Ray3 what it was for. "It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like you're 25." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."
Ha! That one's great, John!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Heh.
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a dump. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit looking puzzled replies "Um, no."
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
Google is great.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back and says "Doctor, I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Cute, Adam; but Peter, I'm sure that Ray and Jack will protest that they can't imagine how you picked them as participants in that scenario.
I wonder if Mark(Bigwill)would have something to add. We've both been around jails and football teams quite a bit, and they're a plentiful source of material. Plus, he's now a schoolteacher, and that might be even better.
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
This one is similar to John's:
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks.
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
One Feather
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.
While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the Indians' headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.
He explained, "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather".
Feeling the first redskin was only joking she posed the same question to another brave who had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women; two women . two feathers".
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Based upon the previous two explanations Ms.Walters was quite intrigued to hear what the Chief had to say.
She asked, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters exclaimed, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief replied, "You damn right, me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
Taken aback by this outburst Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 8th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ.
That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will
usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder
in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love
machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love
and peace to this crazy world.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." Ernest Hemingway
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE GET SOME SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Some investment advice:
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Texas Chili
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot of the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy SH#", what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*#-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Chili
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b*#$h is
starting to look HOT!, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Damn those rednecks.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*# myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that #*@# Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about
judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh&#
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Remember ladys its just a JOKE.
Do you know why doctors spank a baby when its born??????
_
_
_
_
_
_To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
Funny, I've heard that one the other way around.
Pete's earlier reference to Viagra was timely. There was a truckload of the stuff hijacked today in Virginia. They got away and haven't been found since. The police report they are searching for a group of hardened criminals.
I love the Cialis(sp?) commercial where it says "if erection lasts more than 4 hours seek immediate medical help" In a situation like that MEDICAL is the last sort of help I'm gonna seek!
where do hamburgers go to dance?
to the meatball
OK, this isnt PC, but its still funny.. texas humor..
there are three guys standing on a bridge.. a russian, a mexican, and a texan.. the russian has a bottle of vodka, the mexican has a bottle of tequila, and the texan, well he has a bottle of budweiser.. the russian cracks the seal on the vodka, takes a big ole' drink, and throws the bottle over the bridge and proclaims,(use your best russian accent)"WE HAVE PLENTY OF VODKA IN THE MOTHERLAND OF RUSSIA"!! well, the mexican cracks the seal on the tequila, takes a big ole' drink, and throws the bottle over the bridge and proclaims,(use your best mexican accent)"WE HAVE PLENTY OF TEQUILA IN MEXICO, ESSE"!! so the texan, he twists the cap on the bottle of budweiser, drinks the whole bottle, then grabs the mexican and throws him over the side of the bridge and proclaims,(use your best texan accent)"WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM DAMN WETBACKS IN TEXAS"!!
just so you'll know, my best mexican friend told me that joke! he also told me this one..
how do you know where the pink flamingos live?? they have little plastic mexicans stuck in their yard!!
hey man, if you cant laugh at yourself, then you cant laugh at all!!
bigjohn
Ray,
Here's hoping the scofflaws get a stiff sentence. Bada bing (Is that what a rim shot is Ajax?).
In reply to:
hey man, if you cant laugh at yourself, then you cant laugh at all!!
Not to worry, bigjohn. I laugh at yourself all the time!
In reply to:
Bada bing (Is that what a rim shot is Ajax?).
Close enough! I tend to think of the drum accent to a bad (usually) joke as "chick-a-boom." the "chick" is the rim shot on the snare, the "a" is a cymbal crash, and the "boom" is the kick drum. TA DA!
Don't ask me to do my impression of a Neil Peart drum solo...
this one will make more sense to the Canucks in the crowd, but you can use it for just about anywhere....
This is a true story: the warning is both serious and reliable. Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a flight from Toronto to Calgary. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the heavy bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag, which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to... with a word of advice for you: "Stay away from Regina. You got it? Please stay away from Regina, no matter what." My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" she asked him. No," he whispered back. "It's a shithole.
In reply to:
Stay away from Regina
HOUSTON.. trust me, HOUSTON..
bigjohn
BUMP. The re-emergence of political discussion requires a foil.
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance...
And another one. JohnK's dirty mind should appreciate this one.
-----
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she
hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train - I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Well...Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
LMAO ... I liked that. The first thing that went through my mind ... "A rooster is a co*k, a lawyer is a di*k" ...
My wife is a blonde attorney, BTW. Great combo.
Appreciated indeed, Peter. Just think if it would have been on a 220V circuit! Wonderful to bring some of our newer members the chance to appreciate our humor which would have otherwise been lost in antiquity.
Zing!
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra ?
He gets taller.
That's O.K., I tried Viagara once, but it got caught in my throat - I walked around with a stiff neck for 2 days!
Confucius say: Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Confucius say: Man who go to bed with sex on mind, wakes up with solution in hand.
Confucius say: Man who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.
Confucius say: Virginity like balloon. One prick, all gone.
This is a gross one so please, if you get offended do not read.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.
But this one might be worse.
George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove are flying on Air Force One.
Bush looks at Cheney, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Cheney shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Rove says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to the co-pilot, "Such bigshots back there....., I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."
What do you get when you mix Rogain and Viagra?
Hair like Don King.
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
confucius say;man who go through turnstyle at airport sideways going to Bangcock
Old movie quotes that someone will likely recognize....
I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I got run over by a Toyota today....ooohhhhh what a feeling.
It's Ray's first day at the exclusive Golden Years Rest Home, and it starts out with a wonderful breakfast of steak and eggs and a glass of chilled prune juice.
As he sits eating his breakfast he starts listing over the right side of his chair. As he leans, a nurse rushes over and sits him back upright in his chair before bustling off to attent to another resident.
A few moments later Ray starts listing to his left side and, again, an alert nurse sits him back up straight.
A third time, Ray lists forward and a nurse catches him before his head touches the plate.
Ray's neighbor, Jack, shows up with his plate and sits next to him. He says, "So how do you like it here?"
Ray replies, "Everything is great, except one thing. They won't allow me to fart."
At which point I IMMEDIATELY move to another table, preferably WAY across the room.
Bravo, I like worse.
I normally roll my eyes at blonde jokes, but this one made me laugh.
Q: What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
A: Whoah! Donut seeds!
one holloween a little boy dressed as a pirate was trick or treating all alone .he walked up to a house and rang the bell and a woman came to the door and she said,aww how cute,its a little pirate,and hes all alone.where are your bucaneers tonight?the boy replied-under my buckin hat,where do you think they are
A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately the guy sitting next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge breasts was there, so instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh', and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."
First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the box of Wheaties', but I accidentally said 'You've ruined my whole life you stupid b*tch.'"
OK. Here goes. And for your information a lady told me this one.
Why do doctors spank babys when they are born??
To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
You already told us that one, bray.
Here's new one. A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurants' owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant."
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Good one Peter. I wouldn't try the pea soup if you know what I mean.
ROTFLMAO
Disclaimer: A girlfreind sent me this and I am the only boy with six sisters.
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
;----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Might as well piss off the rednecks.....
That Southern style….
The top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And the NUMBER ONE thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
1. Elvis who?
A housewife decides one day that she absolutely must have a boob job. She starts hounding her husband, who doesn't want to put in all the overtime.
After weeks of prodding, he has an idea and tells her to just wipe toilet paper between her boobs every day and they will grow. The housewife is very doubious but she tries his treatment nonetheless. Every time she nags, he tells her to use the TP and her boobs will surely grow.
Months later she re-measures herself and is dissapointed to find that nothing has changed. Frustrated, she confronts her husband.
"I feel stupid!" she cries. "Every day for the last four months I've rubbed toilet paper between my boobs, and they haven't budged!"
"I don't know what to tell you," he replies. "It's been working like a charm on your ass."
And another.
Harry is in an old folks home and has too much time on his hands so he starts going out to the garden every night to watch the sun set. Bertha is also bored and lonely so she starts following him outside. Over many months they talk and become very close.
Eventually the conversation leads to sex. Harry tells Bertha that he doesn't really miss it but comments that it sure would help him feel like a man if a woman would just hold it now and again. It becomes their ritual over the next few months for Bertha to hold Harry’s manhood while they talk of their grandchildren and compare fiber supplements.
One night Bertha is shocked to see that Harry is not in the garden. She waits but he never arrives. Worried, she scoots her walker towards the nurse's station to ask about Harry. On the way she passes the TV room and finds Harry sitting with Ruth.
As she hobbles closer she notices that Ruth too is helping Harry to feel like a man. Hurt, Bertha cries out "What does she have that I don't??"
Harry answers, "Parkinson’s."
Got this one today via email. Hope you like it.
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
Will always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme with anything
and I don't give a sh*t.
Amen
Funny, and yet so true!
Shane D
how to you drown a blond..?
put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool..
bigjohn
Well, after Peter was thoughtful enough to revive this thread, it seems to be petering out again, so I'd better make another contribution.
A couple was on the first tee at a very exclusive country club with several luxurious homes nearby, so he cautions her to be careful with her drive so that they don't break someone's window. Sure enough, her drive goes right through a window at the closest home. They walk over and since the door is open, walk in and see their ball on the floor lying in the shreds of a broken glass bottle. They begin to apologize to the guy standing there, but he says "Don't apologize, you've done me a great service. I'm a genie who was imprisoned for the last 1,000 years in that bottle which your ball broke. I can now grant three wishes; I'll give you each one, but I'd like to keep the third for myself". The guy says "I want to receive a million dollars every year". "Granted". The wife says "I want a luxurious vacation home in every country in the world". "They're yours now. For my own wish, I've been in that bottle for a thousand years without a woman, so I'd like to have sex with your wife" he tells the guy. The couple discusses it briefly and the husband agrees that since he's given them so much they can't deny his pleasure. So the wife goes up to the bedroom with him and there follows about an hour of the wildest love-making imaginable. After he's through they're lying there and he asks "By the way, how old is your husband?" "Thirty five". "And you mean that he still believes in genies?".
That was good, but I guessed the punchline as soon as the genie named his wish.
Here's another.
Many years ago a young woman entered the butcher's shop, babe-in-arms, told him that the baby was his, and asked what was he going to do about it. After a brief period of shock, he told her that he could not be a father to the child but that he would provide her with free meat until the child turned 16. She agreed.
Years later, the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting the years. Tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he tolls his mother this.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Allright, then; staying on the golfing theme: Two friends are playing golf and one wants to light up a cigar, so he asks his buddy for a lighter. His friend reaches into his golf bag and hands him a twelve inch long lighter. "Wow, where'd you get that monster?" "From my genie". "You've got a genie?". "Sure", and he opens a compartment in the golf bag and a little genie hops out. So the first guy asks him "I'm a very good friend of your master; will you grant me a wish?" "Yes I will". "I want a million bucks". The genie nods, waves his hand and jumps back into the bag. Instantly a million ducks appear in the sky overhead, pelting them with droppings. The first guy yells "I said a million bucks, not ducks!" His friend replies "I forgot to mention that the genie is hard of hearing, but did you really think that I asked him for a twelve inch Bic?"
While laying under the stalled vehicle using his thumb nail to attempt to turn something, the young lady asked him if he needed a screwdriver?
"Might as well" he said, "The bus won't start."
After a particularily successfull deer hunting season; Johnies' Mom sent him to school with some venison to share with the rest of the class.
He offered some to Billy. What is it Johnie asked?
Pork?
Carl?
Beef?
Suzy?
Chicken?
Johnie saw that they needed a clue! "It's what your mommy calls your Daddy", Johnie said.
"Spit it out" said Harold; "It's [censored]!"
More golfing, but we haven't gone here yet.
-----
An Irishman is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a priest in a small parish!"
Oy vey...
Good one, Peter, although I'd heard it before(our priest told me it in the sanctuary after mass). That was an exceedingly smooth transition from a golfing theme into a religious theme, so I'll continue the transition with one that sister told me when I was in the 6th grade: One of the rooms in the convent was being refurbished and the Mother Superior ordered two of the new young nuns to repaint the walls of the room, but very sternly warned that they were not to get a single drop of paint on their habits. So the new nuns discussed this and decided that they would lock the door, take off their habits and place them in the middle of the room, and paint the walls while nude. So they did and after a few minutes of painting they heard a knock at the door and someone calling "blind man". Well, they figured that it would be okay to let a blind man in, so they unlocked the door. In walks a guy carrying a big carton who takes a look at them and says "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?".
Ha!
The observations about WAF in the Thunder Table thread made me think of this...
Four Secrets to Happy Relationships
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Guaranteed Weight Loss Program
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to the very serious health risks of his obesity. As he sat wondering how in the heck he was going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised, so he calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your e xcellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Ah Peter, again your punchline subtly creates a change of focus. I'll do likewise, beginning with my previous religious theme and then changing to...
A guy's driving on a relatively deserted road and comes upon a nun in full habit standing by a broken-down car and hitchhiking. So he picks up the nun and is driving to a garage when he begins to shake uncontrollably. The nun asks "What's wrong?" "Sister, I'm so embarassed. I went to catholic school and always had a fantasy of having sex with one of the nuns. Being so close to you now, I can't control myself". The nun answered "I understand, we're all human and have such feelings from time to time. It will be all right first, if you're not married and have no children, and second, you'd have to take me in the back way, because that won't break the vows that I've taken". He quickly agrees to both, parks the car, lifts up the back of the nun's habit, and realizes his fantasy. Afterwards they're driving and he begins shaking again. "What is it now?", the nun asks. "Sister, I lied; I'm married and have two kids". "That's all right, I lied too. My name is Kevin and I was on my way to a halloween costume party".
Continuing in the same general direction...
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went up to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
Refined and delicate humor indeed, Peter. While you're suffering with that clock radio in the hotel room(not even a Bose?)I'll continue the religious theme, but this time one that our priest got from a protestant minister friend of his.
One sunday after the service the minister was in his office meeting with three couples who wanted to become members of the church. One couple was elderly, one middle-aged and one young newly-weds. The minister explained that they would first have to show a willingness to sacrifice for their faith and this meant that they would have to abstain from sex for two weeks for him to consider them for membership.
Two weeks later the three couples again met the minister in his office and he questioned the elderly couple first. The husband replied "We had no trouble at all during the two weeks, reverend". The minister, smiling, told them "Welcome to the church!"
He then turned to the middle-aged couple and the husband reported that "It was difficult, and the last three nights I slept on the couch, but we persevered". "Welcome to the church!"
Finally it was the turn of the young newly-weds. The husband faced the minister, saying "We were allright for the first nine days, but on the tenth day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, but it fell. She bent over right in front of me to pick it up and I was so overcome with lust that I took her then and there". The minister sadly shook his head "You know that this means that you're not welcome in the church?" "Yes, and we're not welcome in Safeway either".
Here's one that showed up in my inbox this morning:
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you do."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "One."
The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?
The kid says "$101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HECK DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing..."
This is the one joke that even gets my terrible jokes friends to roll their eyes. My apologies if I offend anyone, but keep this around if you ever want the in-laws to suddenly remember they left the iron on...
Q: What's 18" long and makes women scream?
A: Crib death
Bren R.
Of course you'll forgive me, Bren, if I don't cut and paste that one to my sister-in-law.
Outstanding! I've got just the person to e-mail that one to...
This one had me rolling. It is one of those jokes that the guys laugh hysterically at and the women roll their eyes at:
The Sensitive Guy
=================
A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display!
She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.
All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one--maybe he could father my children!"
She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.
She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
In reply to:
The City Of Detroit High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME _________________
GANG NAME ________________________________
FATHER'S NAME (if known) ___________________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? Extra credit: convert your answer to grams.
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyron e knocked up?
9. Ivan is a lookout for the gang. He has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Ivan makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on this income? (Assume he spends it all on the Boa.)
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Man, that's just depressing.
you didn't score too high, huh?
I'm depressed too....I spent my first seven or so years growing up in Detroit....and my income was never anywhere as good as those fellows
We lived there til outboard motors became reliable enough in the early 50s to make it worthwhile to move out to a lake and take up waterskiing.
all i know about Detroit is 1: after watching John Singleton's
Four Brother's, I don't wanna live there and 2: they didn't make enough f-in Mustangs this year 'cause I don't have one sitting in my driveway!
They have a nice airport at least. I was there about a week ago catching a connection. It is big though. We had about 20 minutes to get from one end of C all the way to the other end of A. We had to hustle, but we made it. Unfortunately our bags did not. They should up a little after noon at our door the next day.
Guy goes to see his doctor...
"Well, Mr. Peterson, I have bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's."
"Thank you for being honest, Doctor. Hey, at least I don't have cancer!"
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it
saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older
alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a
burnt, crumpling mess about 20 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his
big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried
alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself
twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUTFORGETTING TO:
45.give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51.give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54.Never to forget:
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote
I hope this on doesn't upset any Minnesota Viking fans, but I thought it was funny, so I'll give it a go.
A viking Convert
A Minnesota Viking family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Packer Brett Farve Jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Packer Fan and I would like this for Christmas". His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Packer Brett Farve Jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Packer Fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Packer Brett Farve Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Packer Fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today."
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Packer Fan for an hour and I already hate you Viking Bastards."
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Alabama recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw sir, I ain't got none of them thar licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim round fer a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"Thats a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that! says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truch Mr. Government man, I'll show you, it really works."
"Okay said the game warden, I've got to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Alabama may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees!
Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
i saw that jerry springer episode last week
Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(_) Exotic Dancer
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
Peter, a local farmer decided that he wanted to breed pigs, so he bought several. Quite a while passed and he saw that the pigs weren't getting pregnant, so he called a veterinarian friend for advice. The vet suggested that he try artificial insemination. The farmer had no idea of what that was, but not wanting to appear ignorant he asked only how he'd know when the pigs got pregnant. The vet replied that "Instead of just standing around, they'll be rolling in the mud."
Well, after quite a bit of thought, the farmer decided that what was meant was that he had to impregnate the pigs himself. So, next morning he loads them all into his truck, drives out into the woods, and in the course of the day has sex with the whole bunch. He goes to sleep that night, exhausted, and when he gets up the next morning to check he sees that the pigs are still just standing around. Again he loads them all into the truck, drives into the woods, and repeats his efforts.
The next morning he's still so exhausted that he can't get up, so he asks his wife to go check on the pigs. When she gets back he asks "Are the pigs rolling around in the mud?". She answers "No, they're all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"
Was that a joke...
... from John K?
... I thought he was a machine.
Bren R.
Bren, I'm crushed. Your reply indicates that you haven't been following this thread very closely and that you missed my seven previous gems(and I selected ones that I thought would be especially appreciated by citizens of western Canada).
Q: What is President Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A. He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
Now
that's funny!
Politics ist verboten, but clever, nevertheless.
that's the most benign political joke possible, though, don't you think? Not critical, but it deals with two hot-button issues.
Okay, okay. Back to the tried and true.
A man takes his 9 year old daughter with him to to the barbershop so she can experience the hoary male ritual of a good old-fashinoned shave and haircut.
He gives her a snack to keep her occupied, but she's so fascinated by the trimming, snipping, and cutting that she stands right next to the barber chair watching every move.
Finally the barber tells her "You know, little girl, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She replies:
"Yeah, I'm gonna get tits too!"
Good recovery, Peter. A young lady was driving in an isolated area in Texas when her car broke down. No traffic came by, but an Indian on horseback rode up and offered to take her to a service station, so she got up onto the horse behind him. The ride was uneventful except that every minute or so the Indian would let out a tremendous whoop. After they got to the garage and she jumped off, the Indian waved, gave a final whoop, and rode off with a big grin on his face. The garage man asks "How'd you get that Indian so worked-up?" "I don't know; I simply climbed up onto the horse behind him, reached around his waist to hold the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off, and rode". "Lady, Indians ride bareback".
After mass one Sunday, two nuns were riding their bicycles back to the convent when the nun in the lead unexpectedly turned down a side street. When they arrived back at the convent, the nun who had been following dismounted and said, "I didn't know we could come that way."
"It's the cobblestones," replied the first.
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Man walks into the confessional and says to the priest "Father, I'm 76 years old and just had sex with two 18 year old girls". The priest replies "That's quite a sin. How long ago was your last confession?" "Father, I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish". The puzzled priest asks "Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling everyone!"
Fastest thing you can think of
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of
them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked
the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already [censored] in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!
That's funny
Reminds me of another joke on the topic:
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"
blonde joke...
Two blonde friends are walking through a parking lot on their way shopping. They find a compact mirror on the ground and pick it up. The first blonde opens it, and exclaims "Wow...she sure looks familar!". The second girl grabs the mirror away and looks for herself. She turns to her friend and explains, "of course it does silly - it's me!"
A new employee is hired at the tickle me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the personnel managers door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are tickle me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new
employee surrounded by mountains of tickle me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to
give Elmo two - test - tickles..
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies
A man walked into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi...you know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month...I'd really much rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter."
"You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes, because of the long hours and meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The man said, "You're bull sh--ing me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Nice one, bray!
An airline pilot walks into a airport pub at LAX, spies a beautiful brunette sitting alone at the bar and approaches on her right side. He places his left hand on the bar so she can clearly see his expensive watch.
"Like my watch?" he asks. "It uses special crystals to tell me things about people."
"Oh, really?" says the brunette, clearly unimpressed. "What does it tell you about me?"
"You're not wearing any underwear," he replies.
"I think you better return your watch," she chuckles, "because I am wearing underwear."
"What?" he says, looking down at his watch. "Ah. It's still on Denver time."
Peter, a pregnant woman walks into a bank, right into the middle of an armed robbery in progress. In the ensuing melee she's shot three times in the stomach. Rushed to the hospital, she's operated on and the doctor tells her that she's going to have triplets and that each of them will be born with a bullet in its stomach. He assures her that this won't cause permanent harm and that eventually the bullets will pass out through natural processes.
The woman has two healthy girls and a boy and all's well. One day about 14 years later one of the girls approaches the mother and says "Mom, the weirdest thing just happened. I was on the toilet and a lead bullet came out!" Mother tells her not to worry and explains about the robbery at the bank.
The next week the second daughter comes up crying "Mom, something terrible just happened in the bathroom." Mother says "Could it possibly be that you passed a bullet?" The girl is very surprised at this until the bank incident is related.
Then the following week the boy comes up and says "Mom, I just did a terrible thing". Smiling, she says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet?" "No, I was masturbating and accidentally shot the dog."
So the White Sox have finally tied Bobby Brown's record.
They beat Houston four times in one week.
BWA-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! god, thats so wrong!
Yeah, Peter, but she really got off on it, and now she'll just want more.
A man in a Florida supermarket is trying to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some [censored] wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?
Quick-thinking young man, indeed, Peter. An Asian gentleman walked into a currency exchange in New York City and handed the teller 10,000 yen, for which he received $90 U.S. The next week he again went in with 10,000 yen, but this time the teller handed him only $89. Upset by this, he demanded an explanation, but the teller said merely "Fluctuations". Enraged at this, the Asian gentleman stormed out, pausing at the door to yell "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
ROTFLMAO
I think this explains an awkward incident I had in Seoul many years ago. My counterpart there was suddenly PO'd with me and wouldn't talk to me -- and I never knew why
Back to the nun theme:
Three men were at a baseball game. Seated in front of them were a couple nuns whose habits were blocking their view. The men were pretty annoyed at this so they decided to badger the nuns in an attempt to get them to move.
The first guy raises his voice and says "I think I'm going to move to Utah. I hear there are only 100 nuns in the entire state."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to live in Montana. There are only 50 nuns in that state."
The third guy says, "Well I'm moving to Idaho. It's only got 25 nuns."
At this point, one of the nuns turns around, looks at the men, smiles, and says in a very sweet voice, "Why don't you go to hell? There surely aren't any nuns there."
Very good, Peter, but sister's advice might not be entirely correct. For example: Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately phoned St. Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret, there's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation and St. Peter said that he'd get right on it.
When she hadn't heard anything by the next day she again called St. Peter and begged, "Please get this error straightened out immediately; there's an orgy planned for tonight and everyone must attend!" St. Peter replied "Certainly, Sister Margaret, I'll get get you right out of there".
Because of other duties however, her plight slipped his mind until the next morning when another phonecall from hell came in and he realized his terrible blunder. Picking up the phone he heard: "Hey Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind".
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After five minutes of the old cowboy just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight is so revolting that he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Mmm, great to read over breakfast...
any warning I gave could have ruined the punchline. I had one in originally, but took it out. oops!
not really a joke,but i thought it was funny-- http://tinafolsomphotography.com/ebay_song.html
Ray returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ray asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, he goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, his wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, his wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Ray, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?"
At this point his wife sits up and says, "Listen Ray, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other replies, "I'm having a ball."
One of those allegedly true stories found on the internet...
-----
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate since she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I would to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight out the front door towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing there, waiting.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are so glad that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Hilarious!
That definitely deserves a "LOL!" response.
Once upon a time there was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole popped her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, but became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way. Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Peter, that last one really had me groaning, so for another groaner, did you hear about the guy who opened a dry cleaning business next to a convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
<groan>
And another for you...
Did you ever hear about Alexander Graham Bellski?
He was the first telephone pole.
Very groanable indeed, Peter, but it does open a new category. Why does the new Polish navy use glass-bottom boats? So that they can see the old Polish navy.
Speaking of the Polish Navy..
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
Which brings us to this...
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea
when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
- groan -
As the resident killjoy, I'll point out that Peter is Polish.
So is my wife, her maiden name was Sisak which was shortened by her father by several letters...of which included a couple of 'Y's and 'K's. Unless she looks it up, she can't remember how to spell it. I've been told some good ones by her Dad a time or two.
I apologize if you took offense Peter.
I thought this was extremly funny. However, I'm not too sure that a Canadian run fourm is the best place to post this article.
http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml
>>I'm not too sure that a Canadian run fourm is the best place to post this article.
Agreed... most of us Canadians printed it out and hung it on the cubicle wall a long time ago, so the US folks will get more of a laugh
Now we're planning to get a big-ass Amphibious Assault ship so we can invade Chicago.
In reply to:
I apologize if you took offense Peter.
Why I oughta...
You'd have to try a lot harder than that to offend.
I liked this quote from Chris Rock.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?
oz
Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on it's stored memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows.
Rick, I put that rather mild one in(it appears that the Polish navy isn't held in very high regard, is it?)knowing that Peter would laugh(although just a little)as I did, rather than being offended. I'll point out that when I discuss audio with some of my best friends it seems that they're often moved to exclaim in a jocular way "You cheap hunky!" and I'll often respond with a comment appropriate for their ethnic background. All in fun, and too bad that there are some in the world who get upset over harmless words.
In the "Glass bottom boat" category... (I had actually always heard about it regarding the Italians)...
These come from a Frenchman (by descent only) who'll be travelling to Paris next week...
Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade.
Q: How many French does it take to defend the city of Paris.
A: I don't know, it's never been tried....
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep..
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
..............."You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
More newlywed stuff.
During the first week of a deaf couple's marriage, they discover that they are unable to communicate well in the bedroom with the lights off because they can't see each others hands as hey sign. After several nights of fumbling around and some embarassing misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."
First-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class with a real human cadaver. They all gathered around a table on which a donor's body was layed out and draped with a white sheet.
The professor was a famous doctor from Russia, where medical schools are notoriously hard on students. He began the class by telling the students, "As aspirink doctors, eet eez necessary to be havink two important qvalities. Ze first eez that you not be disgusted by anythink involvink ze human body."
To demonstrate this quality, the doctor pulled back the sheet, stuck a finger in the cadaver's anus, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Now, to show me zat you are not disgusted, please be doink as I did," he asked.
Naturally, the students freaked out at this request. They hesitated for several minutes, but eventually began taking turns sticking their fingers into the butt of the dead body and then sucking on them.
When everyone had finished, the doctor looked at them and said, "Ze second important qvality to be havink eez careful observation. None of you vere noticink zat I insert middle finger into the anus, but vas suckink index finger. Next time you vill be payink better attention, yes?"
Dude, that's just
wrong on so many levels!
Yes, Peter, it does pay to be observant. For another tasteful contribution consider the young woman in the maternity ward who was about to enter into labor. The nurse asks "Would you like your husband to be present?" She replies "I have no husband". The nurse asks "Then your boyfriend?". The reply is "I have no boyfriend", and the nurse, while curious, says no more.
The birth goes well and nurse comes in and tells her "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but before you see him I must tell you that the baby is black". The mother explains "I was without money to live and became so desperate that I worked in a porno film. The star was black".
The nurse replies "I see, but I must also tell you that the baby has blond hair". The mother says "The co-star was a big Swedish guy".
The nurse responds "But the baby has slant eyes". Mother explains "A little Chinese guy was also brought in".
The nurse then goes out and brings in the baby. The mother immediately gives it a big swat on the butt and he begins crying loudly. Mother cries "Thank God!" The puzzled nurse asks why she said that. "I was terrified that he would bark!"
What Mark said
but, but, genetics don't work that way!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel and found that they had a computer installed in the room. So he decided to send an email to his wife.
However - he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Texas, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He had been a Minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. - Sure is freakin' hot down here!
Who writes these things? They all sound like they come out of a wanna-be-snooty midwestern church.
"called home to glory?"
Not to open-up a whole can of worms, but I suppose we will never truly know until we get there...
It was just the turn of phrase. Perhaps it was more romance writers I was trying to come up with. "Pulsating" seems like it's a word that would fit in well in these.
a little boy walks up to his father and asks-daddy,whats a transvestite?
his father says-go ask your mother,he'll tell you
A city dweller calls his old school buddy, who used to break and train thoroughbreds, and asks if he could send a friend over to look at one of his horses.
The horse man asks, "How will I recognize your friend?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the trainer asks him if he's looking for a colt or a filly.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The trainer is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the trainer grabs the midget under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephwase that - can I thee her wun awound a liddlebit?"
this needs reviving...i'm not normally an email joke person, but this one struck me as very humorous (apologies for the length):
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t [censored] with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
many thanks Amie (or whomever) edited the bad word....i didn't realize until after i had posted and had passed the allowable limit for an edit. My apologies to everyone.
I hope it at least made someone crack a smile.
Well, I'll follow up on my medical theme. An American traveled extensively through China, on occasion enjoying the pleasures of some of the young ladies and not using a condom. About a week after returning home he's horrified to see bright green spots all over his penis. He goes to his American doctor, who's somewhat puzzled, but after numerous tests he reports to him days later that "It's a rare disease called Mongolian VD about which little is known. We'll have to amputate".
Obviously unsatisfied by this, he decides to go to a Chinese doctor who might be more familiar with the problem. Sure enough, after just a brief look, the Chinese doctor immediately announces "Ah yes. Mongolian VD".
"What can you do?", the man asks. "My American doctor wants to amputate".
The Chinese doctor laughs "Stupid American doctors! Always want to operate! Make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
I,..uh...traveled extensively around Hong Kong in the 60s.
Thankfully I'm stil relatively intact.
John is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches John’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
John tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer heaven’s sakes, John, that's yer air freshener!"
This wasn't Bridgeman, was it?
Shoot! I meant Jean, Jean was driving home. . . oh man.
A Jewish man walks into a pub and sees a Chinese man sitting on a stool at the bar. He walks up behind him and clocks him on the head so hard that the man falls to the floor.
"What the hell did you do that for?!" says the Chinese man.
"Pearl Harbor," response the Jewish man.
"What?? That was the Japanese, you idiot! And that was more than 60 years ago, besides!" yells the man.
"Chinese, Japanese, whatever," retorts, the Jewish man as he heads for a stool at the other end of the long bar.
Before long, the Chinese man approaches the Jewish man from behind and bashes him in the head, knocking him to the floor.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks, though he knows why.
The Chinese man thinks for a bit and then says, "The Titanic."
"What the heck are you smoking? How could I be remotely connected to that disaster?"
As he walks away, the Chinese man says, "Greenberg, iceberg, whatever."
PROOF OF GLOBAL WARMING.
Adjustable Face Lift
A 40-year-old woman, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With a pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many more years thanks to a new technique he used.
After the operation, the doctor told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed, to maintain her fresh young look.
The woman was pleased with her surgery for many years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. She stormed furiously into the doctor's office and demanded to know why there were bags under her eyes.
The doctor replied, "Lady, those aren't bags, they're your breasts, and if you don't stop turning those screws you'll soon have a beard!"
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over a table in the corner. He walks over and asks him what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that girl I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yeah," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
I wish I were that creative. I get them from a jokes forum.
Well wherever they come from, they're damn funny!
How are you liking your new home? Gotta love that cold weather huh? lol
Sutter
Three guys had applied for a job at the CIA. They had passed all of the tests that had been presented to them all with flying colors and it had all come down to the last test to see who would be the new agent.
The first man was brought into a small room. A table was in the middle of the room with an entrance door on one side and the exit door on the opposing wall. There were two chairs at the table, each across from one another and a gun lying in the center of the table.
The first man was brought in and asked to sit down. The CIA recruiter told the man he was proud that he had done so well in the past grueling tests but it all comes down to this final test that he MUST pass before even being considered. He explained that the CIA had to have 100% dedication and loyalty to the department and that they accept nothing less.
The recruiter told the man to take the gun lying on the table and go through the door that was behind him. There you will find your wife sitting in a chair waiting there for you. Your task is to kill her. A shocked look comes over his face but he nervously picks up the gun and rises from the chair and heads to the door. He opens the door and go into the room shutting it behind him. Ten minutes pass and the man comes back through the door shaking his head and says “I am sorry I just couldn’t do it. I have been married to my wife for over 25 years and just can’t bring myself to do such a thing.” The examiner says that was fine, told him to have a nice day and said you are excused now.
The second man was also brought in and told to sit down. The same speech was made to him as the first man, “you will find your wife on the other side of the door sitting in a chair and you must kill her,” again emphasizing the loyalty that must be made for the job position. He arose from the chair, picked up the gun and walked though the door. After about 5 minutes you could hear crying and sobbing going on and then 5 minutes later he also came back through the door shaking his head. “I am sorry I just can’t do this. She is the mother of my two children and the love of my life”. Again the examiner thanked him and told him he was excused.
The third man comes in and sits down in the chair. For the third time the examiner goes though his instructions that he must kill his own wife in the other room and that this would be the final test to determine his loyalty to the CIA. The man picks up the gun and walks through the door. The door had just closed shut when there was a sound of 6 rapid gun shots – boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.. then a brief silence of about 10 seconds, then the examiner heard the gosh awful lest noise and racket coming from the room. It sounded like the room was being demolished. Ten minutes later the man emerges from the room, straightening up his coat and tie as he closes the door behind him and said “You know, some dumb ass put blanks in that gun so I had to kill her with the chair”…
Funny! The CIA must be desperate for employees if they are hiring people who have been married for 25 years?
Cheers,
Shaun
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
-- H.L. Mencken
party pooper
Well, in the spirit of the holiday recall the young lady who'd had a fantasy for years about doing Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. So one Christmas Eve she hides near the fireplace and waits. Sure enough, just after midnight the jolly old man comes down the chimney and leaves the toys around the tree. At that point she jumps out, tears off her blouse, and strikes a provocative pose.
Seeing this, Santa responds "Ho, ho, ho. Santa has to go. He has to deliver toys to the children!"
She then takes off her slacks. "Ho, ho, ho. Santa has to go. He has to deliver toys to the children!"
So then she takes off her bra and wiggles out of her panties. "Hey, hey, hey. Santa has to stay. He can't get back up the chimney with this hard on!"
Good one, JohnK!
Sutter
a catholic priest and a rabbi are talking to one another and a little boy walks by
the priest accidently says out loud ''man,id love to screw him''
and the rabbi looks at the priest quickly and says ''out of what?''
, I don't know if I should be laughing or shaking my head, but that was funny nonetheless.
Sutter
its harsh i guess but i got a good laugh at it
Oh I did too, it was funny man.
Sutter
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flowershop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "Don't get me wrong -- I love getting flowers. It's just that he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Awww, that's nasty! I hope none of them were roses! Ouch...those thorns!
A man took his wife to the rodeo, but before they headed for the stands, they stopped at was the breeding bulls exhibit. They went up to the first pen, where the sign read, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and its sign read, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 DAYS LAST YEAR."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband leveled his eyes at her and said, "Go over there and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Diary of a Snow Shoveler:
December 8: 6:00 PM.- It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like
a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!
December 9:- We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like
a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want
to see snow again.I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:- Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The Temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't
huff and puff so.
December 15: - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked
the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. Man, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own livingroom.
December 20:- Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have
to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.
December 22:- Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and then I needed the John. By the time I got undressed, use the John
and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has
a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think that he's lying.
December 23:- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24:- 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him out and pound him flat! I know that he
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an
hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted
me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25:Merry Christmas! Bah Humbug! 20 more inches of the
!=3Dx&!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in!! The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. I HATE the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have
to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:- Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:- Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze, but at
least it is too cold to snow!!!!!!!!
December 28:- Warmed up to above -30, shouldn't snow any more
though but....Still snowed, and the HAG is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:- 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30:- Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for A
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:- Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:- I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
Why, Peter! It's your new life!
*&@!ing Virginia...
Yeah, but Sunny will enjoy romping in the snow while Peter shovels..and shovels...and....
In reply to:
Why, Peter! It's your new life!
*&@!ing Virginia...
that's the weird thing, we
hardly ever get snow here...at least any that sticks around for more than three days. We specialize in freezing rain, so you have to sand and salt the living sh!t out of the roads just so you can make a frantic run to the grocery store to get milk and bread lest ye starve to death in the confines of your home!
I live about a block from a Safeway. No car required for emergency store runs.
Mind you, I have nothing against Virginia in general. Just Peter being on the opposite coast.
just have to dodge the careening cars! seriously, people here drive like absolute idiots when the roads are nasty. it's either 15 mph or 115 mph!
ken- don't be jealous now.
A blonde meets a trucker :
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather from Florida and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather from Florida , and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather from Florida , and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in MICHIGAN ............
and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Bringing back the golf theme. (What is it with golfers???)
Two men are enjoying a game of golf, but keep finding themselves held up by a slow pair of women ahead of them. After a while, one of the men decides to go up and ask the women for permission to play through. He makes it halfway to where the women are standing, then turns around and hurries back to his friend.
"I can't go up there. One of the women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! You'll have to go ask them."
So the other guy starts to approach the women, but quickly comes back and says, "Small world."
So Heather asks the salt truck driver:
"Who do you work for?"
He replies:
"I work in marketing, for GM Ford and Chrysler!"
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
- "Are you gonna eat that?"
Peter, possibly golfers need more humor to ease the pain of failure; but speaking of pain in golf, two women were starting from the first tee. The first hooked her drive right into a group of four men nearby. One was hit, put his hands to his crotch, and dropped to the ground in pain.
Horrified, the woman rushed up to the man, who was still lying on the ground in a fetal position with his hands buried in his crotch. "I can take care of that for you; it's all right, I'm a physical therapist", she told him.
But the guy gasped "It'll probably be okay in a couple minutes. Never mind".
Wanting to nevertheless help, she lifted his hands, loosened his pants at the waist, and reached inside down to his crotch. She proceeded to massage his privates and after a couple minutes asked "How does that feel?".
"That feels great", he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell".
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
The video was garbled on my computer, so I'm going to have to guess, since I think I've seen it before. This is the one where they "help each other out" in the men's room, right?
Yep Peter, this is the one. Wife and I cracked up watching that.
This gives new meaning to the song, Smokin' in the boys room.
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time.." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Speaking of unions.....
A union man visiting Nevada decides to check out the local brothels. He enters one and asks the madam, "Is this a Union brothel?"
The madam replies, "No sir it isn't".
"Well then, how much of a cut does the girl get?" asks the gentleman.
The madam answers, "The house gets 80% and the girls all get 20%."
"That's outrageous!" he says and he goes out to find a brothel with fairer standards.
He enters another house and asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"Yes it is, the girls all get 75% here," replies the madam.
"That's more like it!" replies the gentleman, "I'd like that cute blond over there!"
"I'm sure you would sir," she says. Then, gesturing to a large older woman, she says, "But Ethel here has seniority".
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Very good, Peter, and for another sheepish tale:
Mary had a little sheep
She took it to bed to warm her sleep
Then she saw it was a ram
Mary had a little lamb
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
A young man goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, " I'd like a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom. As the young man is almost to the door, he does an about face and returns to the counter.
"Give me another condom," he says. "My girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs really sexy when she sees me and I think she might be looking for some action, too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom. Once more as the boy is leaving, he turns back.
"I'd better get one more. My girlfriend's mom is pretty hot, too. When she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she might be looking for some, too!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right, and the mom facing him. When the dad arrives, the boy lowers his head and starts praying.
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner. Thank you for all you give us...."
A minute later the boy is still praying. "Thank you Lord for your kindness...."
Ten minutes later, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other, surprised and exasperated. His girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious!"
The boy responds, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Ah yes, Peter, and I also heard of a young lad who wasn't quite as religious as he first appeared.
Tommy steps into the confessional and says: "Bless me father, for I have sinned; I've been involved with a loose woman". The priest responds "If that's you, little Tommmy O'Boyle, you must name the woman".
Tommy then says "Yes father, it's me, but I cannot betray her". The priest asks "Was it Mary Flynn?" Tommy responds "I cannot tell".
The priest then asks "Was it Patricia O'Neill?" Tommy insists "It wouldn't be right for me to say".
The priest continues "Was it Cynthia Sheehan?" Tommy again responds "My lips are sealed".
The priest nevertheless continues "Was it Meagan O'Hara?" Tommy again replies "The woman will not be named".
Exasperated, the priest tries a fifth name "Was it Margaret Shaughnessy?" Tommy insists "Father, you'll not get a name from me".
The priest then says "Tommy, you're a stalwart lad, but you've sinned. Say ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and sin no more".
Tommy then returns to his pew and his friend Sean whispers "What did you get?". Tommy responds "Five good leads!".
Q: What has six balls and screws old ladies?
A: The lottery.
and now back to the nuns...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren!" *Poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna!" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," says the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Very well, Peter. Mother Superior to grocer: "I'd like 120 bananas for the convent". Grocer: "If you're going to buy such a large quantity I can give you a better price if you take an entire box of 144". Mother Superior: "Well...I suppose that we could eat the other 24".
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
Drunk guy comes stumbling in late and falls flat on his face in the kitchen in front of his wife. She says "what do you have to say for yourself?" He says "Well, I don't have any prepared remarks but I will be taking questions from the floor"
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package on
the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand
new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday
The Two Catholic BOYS
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.
He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
Quit groaning!!!
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Michael, very good. Doug, groannnn..., but It does remind me that when the Pope was in NYC on a visit the limo driver who was assigned to drive him around loaded all his luggage, but noticed that the Pope hadn't gotten in. The limo driver said "Your Eminence, please take your seat, or we'll be late". But the Pope replied "At the Vatican they never let me drive and enjoy myself. You sit in back and I'll drive". The driver protested that if something happened he'd be in big trouble, but the Pope reassured him, so the driver got into the back seat and off they went with the Pope driving. So the Pope floors it and soon the limo is doing 110 and after a brief chase the police stop it.
The cop comes over and when he sees who's driving he heads right back to his car and gets on the radio to the chief. "Chief, I just stopped a limo that was doing 110". "Bust them", replies the chief. Cop says "Chief, I don't think we want to do that, I think it's someone important". "Doesn't matter", says the chief, "Is it the mayor?". "Bigger". "Is it the governor?". "Bigger". "Well, who is it then?". "I can't see in back, but I think that it's God". "Why do you think that it's God?". "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!".
tonight, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00
in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won't ever happen again.
i know,its not a joke but i thought id throw it in here
for the hell of it
Very good, Ron, but can you calculate when 02:03:04 05/06/07 will occur?
a little more than a year before 03:04:05 06/07/08...
Thanks for the info. I'm gonna have to stay up for that!
oz
And thanks for tempting me to stay up past my bedtime.
Come to think of it, maybe I need a hobby.
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
"tonight, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00
in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again "
I guess 01:02:03 pm doesn't count?
Not in the international way of keeping time (24H) in which case it would be 13:02:03 instead of 01:02:03... I do need to get a hobby.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!"
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
"You have exactly 1586 sheep".
"Amazing! That is correct. You may take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"You are a consultant" said the shepherd without hesitation.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you know that?"
"You came here uninvited. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
A priest woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior priest at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the mass. The junior priest told him not to worry, he would deliver the mass.
The priest drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the priest hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The priest was ecstatic. Jesus asked God "Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Who is he gonna tell?"
The President Goes To School
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After is talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley,"
responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?" I have 3 questions!
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question
time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his
name.
"Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" Actually, I have 5
questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response, except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little s**t. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
What has 36 eyes and 7 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
An dyslexic agnostic with insomnia lays awake all night pondering the question - "Is there really a Dog?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said,"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
tasteless joke warning....
Three pregnant women are sitting on a park bench kitting sweaters for their unborn children.
The first mother puts down her knitting and pops a pill into her mouth. The other two ask her what she took and she replies, "Vitamin E, it's good for the baby." The other women nod in agreement and continue knitting.
A short while later, the second mother pops a pill into her mouth, as well. The other two women ask the same question. She replies, "Vitamin D, it's good for the baby." Again, the others nod in agreement.
After a short pause, the third mother emits an exasperated sigh, tosses her knitting aside, rummages through her purse, and then pops a pill into her mouth. The other women ask her about the pill. She replies, "Thalidomide. I just can't seem to get the arms to come out straight on this damn sweater!"
In reply to:
Thalidomide.
Ouch. *wipes away a tear of laughter*
Bravo, Peter!
Bren R.
He truly is the king of all joketellers.
I love the internets. My joke delivery in person could use some work.
A little boy was asking his mother about God: "Mom, is God a man or a woman?". She answered " Son, God is a man and a woman".
"Mom, is God black or white?". "Son, God is black and white".
"Mom, is God gay or straight?". "Son, God is gay and straight".
"Mom, is God Michael Jackson?".
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon , the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
Delicate indeed, Peter.
One evening a young cattle rancher was sitting on his front porch with Sally, a pretty young gal who lived on an adjoining ranch. As they sat watching the beauty of the setting sun they suddenly also saw that his prize bull had mounted one of his cows and was going at it furiously.
Figuring that this was an omen for him to make his move, he put his arm around her and whispered "Sally, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing".
Sally immediately whispered back "Well then, why don't you? After all, it is your cow!".
Jokes that require a google search lose some of their punch. (It was still funny though)
I assume he means about searching for "Thalidomide" as his post title implies...
thanks for the tip.
I WISH this was a joke...
Homoerotic water pistol commercial - yes, safe for work.
Bren R.
saw that floating around a couple weeks ago. I have NO idea what the creators were thinking. Ok, maybe I do have an idea, and that makes it worse.
Speechless...
Three men -- a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker -- were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she'd enjoy the trip and know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go f*** herself."
The other day I was driving home from work. There was a Harley dude riding in front of me, I really liked his shirt.
An escaped convict, still in his prison uniform and armed with a gun, broke into a couples' bedroom. He tied them both up on their beds and the husband was distressed to see him leaning over his wife and kissing her on the neck.
He then went into the bathroom, so the husband whispered "Honey, this guy probably hasn't had a woman in years and from his kissing you on the neck like that, it looks like he wants to have sex with you. If you resist him, he may hurt us. So be brave; I love you".
The wife whispered back "Actually he wasn't kissing me on the neck. He was whispering into my ear how attractive he thought you were and that he was going into the bathroom to get some vaseline. Be brave; I love you too".
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love
you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His teenage son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son ...
what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"
Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ......... Priceless.
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL
BLONDE WHO WAVES AT
HIM AND SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE
HE KNOWS HER
FROM, SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE
REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE
THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN
UNFAITHFUL TO
HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM
MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT
I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE, WITH ALL MY BUDDIES
WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER
WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT IN
MY BUTT?"
SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER"
BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS
"Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO."
Tom, a major medical advance indeed, and since I'm part-owner in both companies I'll be happy if profits also rise.
For a little something that Doc Swing might(possibly) enjoy: Patient to psychiatrist: "Doctor, please help me. I'm under terrible pressure and lose my temper with people very easily." Psychiatrist: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "Well, that's what I just did, you stupid bastard!"
LOL, that is a good one. Reminds me of my 4 o'clock. JK!
Here's another one; not sure if it's been posted here before. Kind of crude, but I'm sure it'll fly here:
---
A woman is in her psychiatrist's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you right now."
LOL at HomieDad's jokes also, esp. the math teacher. That's too much. Here's another dirty doctor joke:
---
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
i was not sure if this was a little to much so highlight if you want to read Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
I thought they were nuns.
Maybe they were Dutch nuns.
A very unattractive, nasty, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?
The ugly woman snarls, "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. "Why... Do you think they really look alike?"
"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"
Maybe that is why TomT does not like Walmart, he used to be a greeter, ha ha lol....
One day, Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey, Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well, Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, and I don't really want to mess that up..."
"Darn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later, Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "He,y G.L., I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much!" Superman flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later, he was flying over Metropolis when he happened to sneak a peek a peek into Wonder Woman's penthouse with his x-ray vision. There she was, lying naked in bed, getting more and more turned on.
Superman was tempted. "MAN!!!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet - I can be in and out of there before she even knows what happened! I'll get rid of these blue balls and our friendship will be safe!" So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in, and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my ass is killing me."
Very good, Doc. Here's an oldie modified slightly to fit your requirements.
Woman walks into a bridal shop and tells the clerk that she's having her fourth wedding and she wants to order a nice white gown. Clerk: "If you've already been married three times are you sure that you want a white gown?" Woman: "Certainly. I'm still a virgin". Clerk: "How can that be?". Woman: "Well, my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector and all he......boy, I sure miss that guy!"
(alternate punchline depending on what group of professionals you're speaking to) "But my next husband is a lawyer, so I'm sure that I'm going to get f***ed".
John,
That was nasty! Your a BAAADDD boy. You wouldn't be the inspiration for all those Little Johnny jokes I've been hearing all these years, would you?
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Brokeback Mountain
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
#7 is the best, by far.
Ikea is getting into antiques...
Oh and I'd be remiss if I didn't share this
blond joke
That's pretty rich...
Hilarious, but I didn't get the part about the penguin?
The penguin was wearing a BLONDE WIG! Hilarious!
Oh, now I get it!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt
How did the Roman rapist confess his sin?
"Vidi, Vici, Veni"
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find
two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?
"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but
this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
12 twenty- five pound king crabs and 6 good-size
Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow."
Ah yes, Michael, attitudes toward the death of a spouse do differ. Another example was the search that the CIA was conducting a few years ago for an assassin. After doing thorough background checks, three candidates for the job remained in the running. For the final test each of the applicants was handed a gun, informed that his wife was sitting in a chair in the next room, and told that he had to kill her. One immediately protested that he never could do something like that, and so was disqualified.
The second candidate walked into the next room, but a minute later came out with tears streaming down his face, saying that when he saw her he was too overcome to shoot. He was also disqualified, of course.
Then the third applicant walked to the room and almost immediately a string of thirteen shots was heard, followed by much banging and screaming. He came out somewhat disheveled looking and panting: "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks! I had to kill the bitch with the chair!"
The World's Shortest Psychiatry Joke:
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
I hope this one hasn't been told already...
2 dumb jocks pull up to a football tailgate party on a camel
After the game is over the jocks return to the camel and one of them lifts up the camels tail.
The other dumb jock asks "Watcha doin that for?"
The other jock replies "Mak'n sure this is our camel, I heard some guy say earlier, 'Look at the 2 A holes on that camel'"
A man and his wife celebrated their 25th anniversary by returning to the same hotel where they enjoyed their first wedded night together. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
As the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of natives attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his thang and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off, he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Whitney, you may have heard why they kicked Snow White out of the toy box. She sat on Pinochio's nose and started yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!"
And speaking of handsaws, there was the woman who came home unexpectedly and caught her husband in bed with another woman. With strength born of her fury she dragged him into his garage workshop, clamped his penis in a vise and padlocked it shut. She then picked up a hacksaw, and seeing this he screamed " No, no, you're not going to cut it off?" With a smile she replied "No; you are. I'm setting fire to the garage".
Doc, there was the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital who was giving a pre-release interview of a patient who'd been recommended for release.
Doctor: "If you're released, what do you plan to do?"
Patient:"Well, I have a degree in electrical engineering, which is a good job, so I could go back to that. I've also thought of writing a book about my experiences here in the hospital, which might help people having problems. I've developed an interest here in art history and I'm thinking of returning to college and studying that".
Doctor:"Well, that all sounds very good and should keep you busy."
Patient: "Yes, but the best thing is that in my spare time I can keep being a teapot!"
Camping with white man....
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
Man comes home unexpectedly, catches his friend in bed with his wife, so he takes his gun and shoots him. Wife then yells at him: "You keep that up and you're going to lose all of your friends!".
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their
dad for the clue.
Well he said, It's what mummy calls me sometimes!!!
The little girl screams 'Don't eat it, it's a f***ing asshole!!'
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
This is (allegedly) an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. (I could not verify the veracity of this at snopes.com, but I did find this story reproduced elsewhere on the internet, which is, of course, proof of absolutely nothing
)
They hired him because he was so funny....
NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possi ble, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! *** (but only in chairs
)
So, Jack, what hours did they actually give you?
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, of course. It was my charm, wit, and elegance that did it.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus Is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more
after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a
vacation after the next big score, then click the
light on and began searching for more valuables. Just
as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep,"
the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just
trying to Warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who in the world
are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler
Jesus.
Quote:
So, Jack, what hours did they actually give you?
LOL!
FOR ALL YOU OLD TIMERS
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
I don't want to get old.
Beats the alternative.
We can arrange for a hit man if you'd like.
Quote:
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
I tell that joke using my father as the protagonist all the time.
Bren R.
This isn't exactly a joke -- supposedly it's a true story -- but it's funnier than any I've read or heard in a long time.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=2943767&postcount=1
That was
very funny!!
Great story.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on top of a woman's head which can be turned to tighten up her skin, producing the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts!!"
After a slight pause, she said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Yeah Mo, but sometimes alternatives to surgery will be suggested. For example, a young woman went to her regular physician, Dr. Morris, for an exam and confided that she was considering breast augmentation surgery. She questioned whether he could recommend someone and he replied that he could, but she should first try something that some of his patients had used successfully. Every morning, and he cautioned her not to skip even one, she was to massage her breasts while saying "Scoobie, doobie, doobies, give me bigger boobies".
Well, she did this for a few weeks and was thrilled to see some improvement, but one morning she got up late and had to rush out before she did her routine to get to work on time. Knowing that she couldn't skip it, on the bus she did her massaging and chanted as quietly as possible, but a man standing next to her overheard and asked: "You go to Dr. Morris, don't you?". "Yes", she replied, "how did you know?" He smiled "hickory, dickory, dock".
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
This is not the usual joke, just some really snarky commentary from
http://www.wwtdd.com, one of my favorite celebrity gossip sites. The accompanying photos clearly show a puffy-lipped Brit:
--
Britney Spears was seen leaving a plastic surgeons office, and then all weekend she was photographed covering her mouth. Oh, I know, this master of deception has done it again. We’ve got a real mystery on our hands. I wonder what she did? Hmmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess she got collagen injected into her lips. And although I can think of worse things than girls with thick and less sensitive lips, this is Britney Spears, so she probably just had them injected so she could eat more ice cream without getting cold. Later she was seen at a veterinarian's office asking if they can unhinge her jaw like a python. Then she rubbed her hands together and explained, "Ima eat me a piggy in one swaller."
All that's left of me is slight insanity,
What's on the right I don't know.
Also from that same song, I love the line "on a carousel I can never tell
my direction home"...
Didn't realize you're a Bob Mould fan... I knew I liked you.
Bren R.
Bob is awesome! All I've been listening to in the car the last couple of days are
Copper Blue and
Beaster. Next I have to get his new concert DVD. Exciting!
This is a hilarious list of doctor's funny moments. Some of them had me LOL at work...
FROM:
http://www.bubblejive.com/funny-moments-for-doctors...
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
...
Those were great, Jaime! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, thanks for those! I formatted them into a Word DOC and sent them to my wife at the hospital for her staff.... (insrt own joke here, Peter!)
Best of -- Chat rooms:
---------------
<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%
---------------
SparTacus (rulimbaww@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko (lbeedy@1C57684.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I’m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r
-----------------
<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.
-----------------
<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
<hokage> *cries*, scary....
-----------------
<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now
<@Sony> ...........
<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI
<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing
<Malpine> Thanks for the info
<@David> eh?
<@David> damn i meant PAID
<@David> I get PAID today
<@David> dammit
nice.
Ah, that's how you're 1300 posts ahead of me. I was wondering.
These aren't as slick as the ones at
Despair.com, but they are some funny and sarcastic
motivational posters nonetheless. And the last one will, no doubt, elicit hurrahs from those over in the beer thread.
The ONE day I decide to drink hot chocolate at work. . .
Thanks, J.P.
Correction--when I say "drink" I mean "drip out my nose."
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day
since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives
home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I'd hit the
ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As
they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
brother Fred with you and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a
hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but
his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course
with his brother-in-law Fred. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns
to Fred and asks, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did barks Fred!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don' t remember".
An archaeologist had reached the edge of the Sahara Desert on his way to searching for the lost cities in the desert. Having no way to cross the desert he made his way to the camel stand located nearby. He started talking to the Arab who ran the stand about hiring a camel for the trip.
The Arab asked him, "Will you be needing a seven day camel or a fourteen day camel?"
The archaeologist was new at his job so he had to ask the Arab what the difference was. The man explained that the seven day camel could hold enough water for a seven day trip, while the fourteen day camel could hold enough water for a trip of fourteen days. The archaeologist said he would take the fourteen day camel.
The Arab asked him if he knew how to water his camel. Not wanting to appear inexperienced, the young archaeologist said that he did. So he loaded his gear on the camel, went to the water trough, watered the animal, and started on his way.
On their seventh day on the desert the camel keeled over and died of thirst. Naturally, this made the archaeologist very angry. He double-checked his contract and indeed he had hired a fourteen day camel. He grabbed the saddlebags from the camel and, still fuming with anger, started the long trek back to the camel stand.
When he finally arrived, he started cursing the Arab up and down. The man started shuffling through the contents of the saddle bags.
"Where are the two bricks that were in these bags?" said the Arab.
"What?! I removed them before I started the journey since I saw no reason to carry the extra weight," said the archaeologist.
"I asked you before you started if you knew how to water the camel and you said that you did. Those two bricks are the difference between a seven day camel and a fourteen day camel," said the Arab.
Seeing the obviously nonplussed look on the archaeologist's face, the Arab explained, "When a camel drinks water from the trough, he spreads his legs wide apart so his head can reach the water. In that position, the camel's genitals are exposed. You have to watch him closely and when it has drunk up all the water it can hold for seven days, you must sneak up behind him with a brick in each hand and slam them together on the camel's genitals. When you do that the camel puckers its mouth and goes 'OOOOOOOHHHHH' and sucks up enough water for seven more days."
The stunned archaeologist said, "Damn, doesn't that hurt?"
The Arab answered, "Not if you keep your thumbs out from between the bricks."
Ah yes, Peter; problems with our animal friends. Reminds me of the woman who walked into a pet shop and asked for a talking parrot. The shop owner told her that he had one left and could let her have it for only $5, but he warned her that a previous owner was a madam in a house of ill repute.
The woman replied that the price was a bargain and that the previous owner didn't matter to her, so she took it.
So she gets the cage home and uncovers it and the parrot immediately says "Ah; different brothel, different madam". The woman indignantly replies "This is no brothel and I am no madam!"
A short while later the woman's two adult daughters come to visit and the parrot comments "Ah; different brothel, different madam, different prostitutes". Even more indignantly, the woman tells him "This is no brothel, I am no madam, and these are my daughters!"
Just then the woman's husband, George, returns home from work and the parrot chirps "Ah; different brothel, different madam, different prostitutes. Oh hello, George, nice to see you again!"
Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida...warning....not for the squeamesh....
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.
be prepared and click link below
Click Here!
What better testimony to the effects of alcohol on the body?!
Good thing he was not on methamphetamines or he probably would have crumbled to dust when the flash went off ...
Here's another one from the papers ...
I heard that licking camel toads can have psychedelic effects.
Well, this isn't so much funny as amazingly
cool.
Space invaders. With PEOPLE!
Got it off one of the best comics on the internet,
Sheldon.
Cool. My patients didn't mind that I was running late when I told them that I was watching the French recreate Space Invaders, with people. Actually, they told me that maybe their medicine wasn't working right, or maybe my medicine. We'll figure it out together. Toodles!
Dunno if you're a Jimmy Kimmel watcher (late nights on ABC). If you are, you're probably already aware of this. But, on the off chance you aren't.....
Jimmy is good friends with Matt Damon, and has a running joke where, nearly every night, he apologizes to Matt Damon for bumping him off the show because they ran out of time. Matt is rarely, if ever, actually scheduled for the show that night. It's just meant as a joke. So, they really start to have fun with the whole thing.
WARNING #1! Lots of "F" bombs inn vids #3 and #4, but "bleeped" out
WARNING #2! Though I found it well worth the time, these vids will take up some time, so you might want to wait until you have 15 minutes to spend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKeD7rLYg8M (2:45 min.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jirn3jWenA&feature=related (40 seconds)
Finally, Matt gets his revenge with Jimmy's real life, longtime girlfriend, Sarah Silverman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVI8ULK3uhs (4:15 min.)
Jimmy Kimmel's absolutely over-the-top, beyond belief response (watch closely to see everyone who's in it):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lcmNaXmjvs (6:20 min.)
That was soooooo funny!
Second half of the day already feels better!
I had seen those, and I get the feeling that I'm not recognizing half the celebrities in the last one. Good stuff.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, but none of us could get the jar open."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well,
I guess we finally answered THAT question!'
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you
Opps, I posted the same Dog joke in another thread. Sorry. I hadn't read this one yet.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
Did you hear the one about the mute acrobat in a nudist colony who got a W tattooed on each butt cheek?
When he does a cartwheel, he spells out "wow mom wow"
aaaaaaaaaaah ha ha ha good one, glad I helped you remember.
The Pope's visit has reminded me again of a visit to NYC by one of his predecessors. The limo driver assigned to take him to an event noticed that the Pope was just waiting outside the car. "Your Eminence", he said, "please get in or we'll be late".
The Pope told him though that although he loved to drive fast cars, that they never allowed him to do that at the Vatican. He said "You get in back and I'll drive".
The driver protested that if something happened that he'd be in big trouble, but the Pope reassured him, so the driver climbed into the back compartment and the Pope drove off. So he floors it and soon they're doing over 100.
After a brief chase a policeman stops them, but when he sees who's driving he immediately goes back to his car to radio the department and talk directly to the chief. "Chief, I just stopped a limo doing about 105, but I'm not sure what to do next".
"Bust 'em", the chief responds. "But chief, this is someone real important". "Doesn't matter. Is it the mayor?". "Bigger". "Is it the governor?". "Bigger". "Well, who is it then?".
The cop responds "I couldn't see into the back, but I think that it's God". "Why do you think that it's God?". "Because he's got the Pope for a limo driver!".
. That's a very good one.
Mitch Hedberg quotes/jokes I'm enjoying Mitch and Lewis Black today.
I bought a couple of Mitch Hedberg CDs the day he died.
I guess I should have bought them a little earlier.
Bob works hard at the local auto plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's on my bowling team.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's a waitress at the golf club. Must be working two jobs. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
A good one.
This email humor arrived in my in-box last week. I don't often share email humor, but this one is genuinely funny:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON Cooper - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
I think that about covered it...
Very good, Alan! Thank you!
Sean, I forget. Why did Negative Orange cross the road?
I don't know, but I bet CV has the commemorative traffic cones that marked the occassion.
Good one alan. I've got one I just heard recently.
Three friends are sitting in the common room of the elderly care facility in which they reside complaining about their aging bodies. The first says,
"The first thing I do when I get up at 8 o'clock is go stand in front of the toilet, but I'm lucky if I start to pee before 8:30."
"Oh yeah?" says the second. "I get up at 9 to go sit on the pot and I'm lucky if anything happens before 10."
The third shakes his head and says, "By 10 o'clock I'm crapping like a champion and pissing like a racehorse. Only problem is I don't get up until 11."
*LOL, covering face and sighing*
The funny thing is, I can hear you telling that one, and it makes it that much more funny.
Sean, I forget. Why did Negative Orange cross the road?
I'm imagining a Negative Orange Julius on the other side.
Don't get caught up in the madness, Charles!!
Good one, by the way.
So is a Negative Orange Julius just a Julius?
Tom will be here any moment with pictures of clowns.
Et tu, Pomegranate?
Bren R.
No, JP,
you're "just a Julius"
But I aim to please...
Seattle's legendary (Julius Pierpont)
JP Patches
Hmm, this thread is getting cobwebs.
Here's an old-fashioned joke I found on
http://www.misscellania.com---
God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, OK?"
"OK," said God, "You asked for it."
So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Recent discussion about Jason's Dad's theatre requires me to post this.
*****
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
That's an oldie.... but also one of my favorites!
As a matter of fact, though, you tell it better now then you did
then.
Oh hell. Somebody ask Jack to pass me the metumucil.
Yeah Tom, and it's also one of
Peter's old favorites .
Aricept and
Namenda for everybody!
*sprinkles samples in the Water Cooler*
Wow.
Tom's worse than I thought.
Wow.
Tom's worse than I thought.
<Inigo Montoya>I do not think means what you think it means.</Inigo Montoya>
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it."
Harry came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Harry."
Harry was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back:... as a chicken."
Harry was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Harry the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Harry. "Well, just relax and let it happen."
Harry did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Harry was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Harry! Wake up. You're crapping in the bed!"
*bump*
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?!!’”
I just saw this the other day and was going to post it.
Get off my (internet) trail!!
Yeah, John; the old question from catechism class: Where is God? Also reminds me of the church bulletin board that announced that the sermon topic at the first service would be "Jesus Walks on the Water", and for the second service, "Finding Jesus".
Since there seems to be a theme...
Little Jill came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to
tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.. Jill"s mother asked her if she
thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Jill, of
course, thought she did.
Jill's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the las t year, and write a letter to God and tell him
why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Jill stomped up the
steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
________________________________
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Jill
Jill knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
________________________________
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Jill. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Jill
Jill knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
________________________________
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, JIll
Jill knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Jill's mother thought her plan had
worked because Jill looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Jill walked down
the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see
if anyone was there.. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary ,
slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat
down and wrote her letter to God.
________________________________
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
5 year old's first job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less,
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here
and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the
bank
the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young
age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house
next
door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those
assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Heartwarming indeed, Michael!
Another example of how kids learn things these days: Little Johnny went to summer camp and the first night it was awful dark and he was afraid of sleeping by himself. So he gets up and goes to one of the young female teachers and asks if he could sleep with her because he's afraid of the dark. "No!", she answers, so he then whines "But mommy lets me when I'm scared". "Well, all right", she says, "but just for tonight".
A couple minutes pass and Little Johnny asks "Can I tickle your belly button with my finger?" "No!", she responds, but again he whines "But mommy lets me". "Well, I suppose it's okay", she says.
A couple more minutes pass, and suddenly the teacher jumps up screaming "That's NOT my belly button!". "Yeah, and it ain't my finger either!".
A woman sued a local super market for not putting "Keep out of reach of children" stickers on their packages of cheese.
The women gained inspiration for this lawsuit when her mischievous son was reaching for some cheddar cheese. In horror, she yelled, "Bobby, don't touch that! It's sharp!"
I actually came up with that all by myself. It's one of the more painful jokes I know...
A doctor is examining a man. He stops and tells the man with a foreboding tone, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
The man responds, "Dear God, doc. Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
"But doctor, I'm having a stroke!"
A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dod for Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner apppears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep', the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from his initial shock, he says 'So what's your story?'
The lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the Gov't, so I told the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of the most valuable spies for 8 yrs running, but the jetting around tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.'
'I took a job at the airport security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered many plots and dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed, he goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
'Ten Bucks', the owner says.
'Ten Bucks? this dog is amazing! why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a friggin' liar...he never did any of that shit!'
errr, Dod=Dog
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick 'The Dragon Slayer' obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be certain death should he ever try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day, Nick revealed his secret to his colleague Horatio "The Physician", the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to do so.
Without pause, Nick agreed to the scheme.
The following day, Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambres to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hrs, would cure this type of itch, and that tests showed that, among all citizens of the Kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as an antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put in his mouth, and for the next four hrs, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching eventually subsided, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio would never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick....
The moral of the story....
PAY YOUR FREAKING BILLS!!!
That's funny! Can I send it to my slow-paying clients?
You want to send the joke or the powder?
Depends on the client....
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they finished putting on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done so she called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from those little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out the long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are educators.
Here is a very inspirational story emailed to me by a friend, I'd like to pass on.....
THERE IS HOPE FOR US ALL....A VERY INSPIRATIONAL STORY
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of those "seniors" who have found the courage to take on the challenges that would make many of us wither. 85 yr old Harold Schlumberg of Saskatoon is one such person.
I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired"? Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and Margaritas into urine.
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work..
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
(Complements of Henny Youngman)
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For Bird Flu you need Tweetment and for Swine Flu you need Oinkment.
The Flu's:
I'm not too concerned about the swine flu, but I have some concerns:
1) 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the Cow....Mad Cow disease.
2) 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird....Avian flu
3) This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig....Swine flu
.....NEXT YEAR IS THE YEAR OF THE COCK!!!....ANYONE ELSE WORRIED?
Superman was getting bored with fighting crime, so on Saturday night he decided to go out for a night on the town and have some fun for a change.
He dropped by Batman's house..."Hey Batman! Wanna hit the town tonight?"
"No, I can't, replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken, I gotta stay home and fix it or I won't be able to fight crime."
"You loser", said Superman, and flew away in disgust.
He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey! how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.
"I'd like to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."
Superman, again pissed off, quipped "You loser. Go ahead, stay home and fix your stupid web-slinger."
He again flew away.
While flying around the city looking for something to do, his supervision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!
Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"
Wonder Woman yells, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!!"
I don't know if that was ever posted, but there are some good ones.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%...41a223c3403b614
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom...'
What did Sigmund Freud say come between fear and sex?
Fünf.
Don't you mean "und"? Vier und sechs.
it works better as a spoken joke.
So there was this guy who drinks a lot. Probably waaaay too much. His wife has had enough of his coming home late and drunk, so she tells him that if he ever comes home drunk again she will leave him.
One day the man goes at the pub and he drinks so much that he throws up all over himself. He tells his friend, " If I go home like this, my wife will leave me."
His friend says, "Tell you what. Go home, but tell her that somebody threw up on you. Take this $20, stick in in your pocket, and tell her that's what he gave you for the dry cleaning bill."
So the man goes home. When his wife sees him she starts to become incensed, but he's able to wave her down. "It's not what it looks like! A man threw up on me!" Pulling the money out of his pocket to show her, he continues, "He even gave me $20 for the cleaning bill."
She looks at him intently and asks, "So why are you holding two $20 bills in your hand?"
So he says, "The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants."
Blonde Password:
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and had to include at least one capital.
For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money to return to Italy to have the child in secret. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he told her he'd also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. He told her to simply mail him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back, to keep it discrete. On receipt of this card, he would arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey!" she said. "You got a very strange postcard in the mail today."
"Oh? Let's see it." he said.
The wife handed it over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
You used comic sans. You have no honor. P'tach!
But it was still funny
OMG, Ken used Klingon humor, and I got the joke. I really am a supernerd.
Who knew Klingons were font nerds?
Yeah, they don't have the type of face you'd associate with that kind of nerd.
Do you thing Klingons have no sense of typography?! I should strike you down where you stand, hyooman!
With an artfully curved and proportional bat'leth, of course.
I liked the Targ. Is it a pet, a la dog? Yes. Is it food, a la pig? Yes.
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a 3 foot putt today, but at least I got laid.
That is so true.
WHY PET IT ON A COFFEE TABLE? Maybe turn that it into a mini-trampoline so I can sleep at night.
CatBrat, I like your cartoons!
Thanks. I stumbled upon a site that has hundreds of these.
Huh. I thought these were your own.
Sorry, not my own. I've kineefered them.
OK. So it's just me and the dog until Saturday afternoon and I'm causing cochlear damage with the new remaster of the first Hendrix album right now. I'm a newbie, so I'm not gonna go through 45 pages of this thread to see if this is cool. Sorry, Amie.
The postman is on his last day after delivering the same route for 30 years.
He arrives at Mrs. Oakbury's house mid morning. She's waiting at the front door. She invites him in and seats him at the kitchen table for a "treat." She serves him "scratch" everything---ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes, muffins (2 kinds!), Kenyan coffee---the works.
He tells her that the other neighbors had given him little gifts, but this was really over the top. "Wait, there's more," she said. "Follow me."
She leads him upstairs to the bedroom and throws him the best roll-around he's ever had. "Whew, that was amazing," he said. "There's still more," she replied, as she got up, went to her handbag on the dresser, pulled out a dollar and handed it to him.
"What's this for?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I told my husband this morning that everyone in the neighborhood was getting you a gift. What should I do? He said, 'Fuck him, give him a buck.' But the breakfast was my idea!"
That's great!
CatBrat:Am fond of your graphic. Always been interested in self-immolation, ever since the age of 13 when a cab driver in my city did it on the State House steps----successfully!
A joke for today. (So many people greet this with a blank stare when verbally told, so I'll see what happens here.)
A Taiwanese national is on his first vacation trip to NYC. He's been there for a few days now and he feels somewhat confident that he's getting a read on the people, the lingo and the place.
He's at 42nd Street & Fifth after visiting the NY Public Library.
He wants to get to his next destination, but need directions.
Spotting a cab stand, he leans into an open passenger window and queries the driver, "Ahhhh, you tew me how-a get to Empiyah State Biwding, or shoul' I jus' go fuck-a mysewf right now!?!?"
This isn't exactly a joke, but...
My daughter has an American-born Vietnamese friend in some of her classes at High School. He does NOT have an asian accent of any kind.
His name is Billy Lam.
He refers to himself in the third-person as "Beery Ram".
That's funny, when I go into third person I call myself the same thing.
An escaped convict breaks into a house looking for money and guns. Inside he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy to get out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's there, the husband whispers over to his wife "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill both of us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing me on the neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it's in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
House dog #1 is lying on the kitchen floor minding his own business, trying to ignore the yelling in the living room. House dog # 2 trots in looking really put out.
Dog 1:What was that all about?
Dog 2: If he didn't want me to chew up the goddamn sofa, then he shouldn't have left it out like that!
Man, do I know a lot of people that will love that one!
My favorite is "Making Baby Smile"
I know there are a few of those that I've done the wrong thing on...
If that one was titled Clearing Sean's Nose it would be right on.
Err. . .i mean, TOTALLY WRONG!
You're not supposed to toss babies in the air??
Actually, I think I have some pictures as evidence that Stevie did not care to be thrown in the air.
My son liked it, my daughter doesn't.
My dad used to do that with me, my mom told me, and one time he threw me a little too high which messed up his timing. . .and, well, the floor caught me instead.
That might explain a lot. . .
kids bounce.
I mean bounce right back. after a week or so.
Does bouncing off the ceiling count?
Good stuff. I like the guy looking at his watch for "Drying Baby." At least he's timing it!
I'm sorry, but Putting Baby to Bed the wrong way seemed to work just fine for "Eraserhead."
Best bumper stickers sighted on highways this week:
1. Re-elect No One
2. Hey, dude, don't be so sexist. Bitches hate that!
My car sports several:
"Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to your country."
"Not even I can prevent narcissism"
"Evolution is just a theory - kind of like gravity!"
All good ones! Two all-time faves:
* Help Stamp Out Opera
* Ted Kennedy killed more people with his car than I have with my gun.
Help Wanted in OT Jokes. medic8r and I have been trading favorite bumper stickers. Pathetic!
These were the first words spoken on last night's 11pm news, no lie. I'm sure many of you can do better than reality.
"Four off-duty policemen, a stripper and her body guard..."
Complete the sentence?
Then, we're all temps. Can one be a temp all the time or is that oxymoronic?
A bit soiled from years in and out of dumpsters, but...
Three engineers are dicussing God.
Chemical Engineer: He must have been one of us. When you get down to it, it's all amino acids and chemical reactions.
Electrical Engineer: No, no. He must have been an electrical engineer. Messages are sent around the body by electrical impulses, brain synapses, muscle function, all of it.
Civil Engineer: Nah, nah. Definitley civil. You try organizing so many things to provide so much simultaneous function.
Chemical Engineer: Actually, I think he's correct. Only a Civil Engineer would run a waste water facility right through the middle of an amusement park.
Moreover, there's a toxic waste dump just around the corner!
Cat Yodeling TutorialSorry. Couldn't resist.
"Kiss me one more time, buddy, and
someone's going to lose a face."
"Kiss me one more time, buddy, and
someone's going to lose a face."
LoL. What he said.
When it comes to Facebook, I often feel like Stan's last comment.
South Park, Why won't you be friends with Grandma?
I just watched that episode last night. I liked it. This morning, I got another friend request from a relative I don't really know.
This "could be" a true story....
An elderly man from Newfoundland calls up his lawyer and asks.
"Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears dat people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause day got cancer and udders are suing the Big Mac company cause day got fat and all kinds of stuff!"
His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do YOU fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul, answers....
"Neider b'y, I just wants to know if I can sue Molson's for all dem ugly women I woke up wit...."
I'll follow that path...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
A package of gum.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Not bad!
Not the good, either. The ugly it is!
This story is true:
My neighbours and good friends, John and Kathy, have an adult son who has had to deal with cerebral palsy all his life, and as such Kathy is the founding member of a program to help disabled people. The program has been going for quite a number of years now with great success from donations and sponsers from individuals and companies alike which has helped them not only keep the program going but they were also able to purchase a small bus with wheelchair accessability this past year as well.
Anyway, each year they hold a raffle to help raise money for the program with some of the better prizes being things like a 40" flatscreen TV to computers to small kitchen appliances like microwaves or coffeemakers ect. Many of the parents of the "kids" (adults actually) in the program attend the raffle and buy tickets at $20ea to try and win which ever prize they want to use their ticket on, as well as anyone else who wishes to contribute to the cause.
John usually buys a couple of hundred $$ of tickets but hands them to Kathy to check the numbers whenever they bid on something. Now, being a founding member of this program she sometimes has the opportunity to draw the winning ticket from the basket on some of the items.
So the item up for raffle happened to be a nice laptop, so Kathy bids a couple of tickets but is also asked to spin the basket and choose the winning ticket. As she spins it and is about to choose a ticket, some fellow up front says "If she wins, it's fixed" so she asked him if he'd like to pick the winning ticket. He goes up to the stage, feels around the tickets, pulls one out and calls the number....nobody seems to have the winning ticket, nobody's saying anything....Kathy then looks at the ticket stubs she has...!!!! HaHa, the guy picked her ticket!! what justice.
Just to be clear, the people, volunteers ect are all allowed to join in this (relatively small) raffle, since without them it wouldn't be able to make any money for the program and the chances for people to win something are very good. I believe they give back about $1 per $2 spent which is quite good.
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Well dressed 75 year old man on stool in elegant hotel bar.
Beautifully decked out 70 year old woman comes in . They make instant eye contact. She approaches and takes the next stool.
"You are amazing looking, my dear," he exclaims. "I've never seen you before. Do I come here often?"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”
Man wakes up in the morning next to a woman he met the previous night at a party.
"Ummm," he stammers.
"What is it. Just say it," she responds.
"OK," he says, sheepishly. "Well, I should have asked this last night I suppose. You don't have any bad diseases do you?"
"Like what?" she asks, indignantly.
"Ummm, like AIDS?"
"Of course not, you idiot," she blares."
"Oh, Thank God," he replies. "I wouldn't wanna get that again!"
From the official transcript of the 4-16-10 episode of Larry King Live:
---
KING: And you will be touring all summer?
NELSON: We will be touring all summer and we'll go to Europe and we'll come back just in time to do picnic.
KING: Got a joke?
NELSON: I've got some but I'm not sure, they're, you know.
KING: Anyone say, you could change the world?
NELSON: How about a golfing joke.
KING: A golfing joke.
NELSON: Yes. A golfing joke. This lady went to the pro shop and told the pro, a bee had stung her. Do you have anything for a bee sting in and he said, well, where did it sting you? She said, between the first and second hole. He said, well, first of all, your stance is too wide.
From the official transcript of the 4-16-10 episode of Larry King Live:
---
KING: And you will be touring all summer?
NELSON: We will be touring all summer and we'll go to Europe and we'll come back just in time to do picnic.
KING: Got a joke?
NELSON: I've got some but I'm not sure, they're, you know.
KING: Anyone say, you could change the world?
NELSON: How about a golfing joke.
KING: A golfing joke.
NELSON: Yes. A golfing joke. This lady went to the pro shop and told the pro, a bee had stung her. Do you have anything for a bee sting in and he said, well, where did it sting you? She said, between the first and second hole. He said, well, first of all, your stance is too wide.
That's so right!
http://www.xkcd.com/732/ Bout time someone said it.
Are there others?
I guess that means Tom qualifies for membership?
Are there others?
I'm still using a Toshiba 46H84 46-Inch Projection TV. Does that count? It might be 21 inches deep but it's High Def picture rivals pretty much any plasma or LCD I've seen so I remain happy.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
That's not a cat joke.
But I did laugh.
OK, a blonde cat was driving one day...
She has a cat. Does that count.
A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
with age comes wisdom.
Senility and 'I don't give a crap what other people think' often look the same from the outside.
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
I'm glad she didn't ask the prisoner if it wanted a cell mate.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family?
None.
----
Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punchlines are too long.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
Gotta love the clown car vagina.
After a late night of partying, a guy invites his friends back to his new apartment. While he is giving them a tour, one of his friends notices a huge gong and hammer near the wall.
"What's up with the gong?", he asks.
"Oh that's not a gong, it is a talking clock."
His friends voice skepticism, "Dude, that's not a talking clock, it's obviously a friggin' gong."
The guy replies, "No, I swear, you hit it with that hammer as hard as you can and it tells you the time. Go ahead, give it a try."
His friend shrugs his shoulders, grabs the hammer, rears back, and strikes it with a loud: "GOOOOOOOOOOONG!"
After a few seconds they hear a voice from the other side of the wall, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE MORNING!"
Having a bad day?
We've all had bad days before and maybe wished it ended up like this...
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well!! Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...I can't stand to see a man crying!"
"This is the worst day of my life," I tell him."I'm a complete failure, I was late to a meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardner and my dog bit me."
"So I came here to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and wait here for the arsenic to dissolve, then some jacka$$ shows up and drinks the whole thing!! but enough about me...how's your day going?"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the oversized t-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.
When it was all over she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy but a little puzzled, I asked, "Why are you thanking me?"
She answered, "Because the egg timer's broken."
Not mine.
"Can't you spare $2.00?"
Raji lives in a small village in Northern India. He is 9 years old. Through tagedies, he has only one leg, one arm, and one eye. His bike has a bent from wheel and only one pedal. His school is seven miles away. Every day this poor child makes his difficult way in the world.
So, please, send us $2.00. We'll send you a video. It's hilarious!
He's still got two ears apparently.
If you're walking through the desert and the wheels fall off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?......13- because baseballs don't have babies'!
If you're walking through the desert and the wheels fall off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?......13- because baseballs don't have babies'!
You forgot.....and peanut butter isn't blue.
Dang it Bob, you've heard that one before
.
Wow, a real shaggy dog story, other than the one that ends with ice cream has no bones!
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend, relative, or even a neighbor -- to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
This was on my local Craigslist, in the "Rants and Raves" section. No idea if it is original, or, more likely, one of those often-passed memes from the web. Anyway, it was pretty funny:
----
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Two engineering students are riding their bikes across campus when one of them says to the other...
"Where did you get that awesome looking bike?"
The other engineering student answers....
"This beautiful girl came riding up to me the other day, throws the bike down, tears off all her clothes and tells me I can have whatever I want...... so I took the bike."
The other engineer thinks it over for a minute....
"Good choice, I doubt if the clothes would have fit you."
this irish guy walks on the street, passes by a tavern and when he's gone about 50 ft further,he turns around saying to himself "i finally succeeded, this is worth a beer or two" and goes in the tavern to celebrate.
For the adolescent and the adolescent-at-heart... I received this one today via email. A little heads-up: click elsewhere if some profanity isn't your thing:
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red-aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
And I thought I'd go the distance for a punch line.
I lose.
Then again, I got 1/2 way through it before I realized that you weren't "recounting" anything at all. Up to that point you had my deepest empathy and I was gonna swap MY HD and Lowe's fart stories, but not now.
Can't remember if this one's been told here or not, but here goes:
A man came home with a sheep in his arms and upon entering his house and seeing his wife said, "This is the pig that I have sex with when you are not available."
The man's shocked and disgusted wife said, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep!"
The man said, "I wasn't talking to you."
This is my brother-in-law's witty humour - true story!
I was helping my bro-in-law finish his basement over the Easter weekend. We were installing drywall on the ceiling and had a number of holes to cutout for pot lights. To get the holes cut right, we put lipstick on the bottom of the pot lights, held the drywall up in place and pressed it against the pot light which left the circle impression from the lipstick for us to cut out. Great technique that works very well BTW. So I got a glob of lipstick on my thumb and accidentally smeared it on the drywall before I noticed. So I turn to my bro-in-law and ask him how we get lipstick off as I had no idea - his immediate response was 'Get married'.
Some of you probably have already heard of the latest device from Apple....the iTit....Apple annonced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music...the iTit will retail between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size....this is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Is that, like, totally for augmentation or can it be used reconstructively as well?
I think they should also make a penile implant called "one i," or "1i." It would contain cell phone components so you could set it on vibrate, take pix (in little or no light), listen to Queensryche, or phone to change next week's dental appointment. The ultimate multi-tasking schmuck for your putz.
It would also free up a pocket for other things, like a hole at the bottom.
I was riding the commuter train to an appointment in the city last week.
Sitting across from me was a beautiful young Thai woman. Our eyes briefly met.
I kept thinking, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection." But she did.
Man calls 911. "I think my wife is dead."
911 operator: "Why do you think that?"
Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the ironing is really building up."
Thanks, Bob.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
Some of you probably have already heard of the latest device from Apple....the iTit....
What's sad is I actually dreamed about this last night after reading your post. I remember thinking I had to fiddle with the knobs to get it to work right. I'm not joking.
I dreamed about adapting that Indian movie I watched, 3 Idiots, into an American film, I was going to have it take place at the fictional college, Texas Institute of Technology.
... I had to fiddle with the knobs to get it to work right. I'm not joking.
...<*****static*****> Hello Tokyo! Come in... <*** more static *****>
I saw a poor old lady fall down in the supermarket parking lot yesterday. At least I assume she was poor, 'cause she only had $2.70 in her purse.
I applied for a job as a Lumberjack. They gave me the axe because I couldn't hack it.
The other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote
another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Obama in 08."
Did you hear about the guy who was in a freak accident at a research lab and froze himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
For those who don't know, Steven Hawking is on a comedy tour (or so I was told), and I heard that this is one of his best jokes-
You remember how your mom said that you shouldn't make faces in the schoolyard because your face might stay that way?
Well, I should've listened.
With all the chaos and looting going on in London, it's refreshing to read about people who are thinking twice before joining in.
Did you hear about the dwarf who was about to loot a butcher store, but reconsidered because the steaks were too high?
I wonder if he makes top shelf cocktails at home.
Woman at Hairdresser's: We just got back from a trip to Rome.
Hairdresser: Why would you want to go there? It's so dirty and takes so long to fly there? What airline did you use?
Woman: American
Hairdresser: American? They're awful I've never had a good flight with them.
Woman: They were wonderful to us. We got bumped up to first class and it was incredible.
Hairdresser: Where did you stay?
Woman: The Treste
Haridresser: The Treste? That's an awful place. No facilties, the rooms are ugly and filthy.
Woman: Oh, they just finished a 25 million dollar renovation. It was beautiful. They had overbooked, so they gave us the Presidential Suite. The views of the city were amazing.
Hairdresser: What did you do there?
Woman: Well, we were hoping to see the Pope.
Hairdresser: See the Pope!?! Ya, you and 60,000 other people. You'd be so far away, he'd look like a purple ant.
Woman: Well, actually, while we were in line at the Vatican, a Swiss guard pulled us out of line and said the Pope likes to meet visitors chosen at random from the que. After about a 30 minute wait, we got to meet the Pope.
Hairdresser: Well, what did he say to you?
Woman: He asked me, "Who fucked up your hair?"
This is a "cute" dirty joke w/no foul language (in English). Proceed AYOR.
El Al Flight # 354, JFK to Tel Aviv
Captain: "This is Captain Moshe Feldschuh.
We hope you've enjoyed your flight.
We are begining our descent into Tel Aviv.
Please fasten your seatbelts. Thank you for flying El Al."
Forgetting to turn off the PA, he asks his co-pilot what he's going to do in Tel Aviv with his 22 hour layover.
Co-Pilot: "Well, foist, I gotta take a huge dump!
Then, I'm gonna try 'n' schtoop that new flight attendant, Rhonda."
Hearing this, Rhonda makes a mad dash toward the cockpit to turn off the PA, when she trips and falls over the handbag of an older woman passenger.
Woman Passenger: Dahlink! Vat's your rush? He said he had to take a dump foist!
Holiday warning....
A recent joint study conducted by the department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by @$$holes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and sh!t like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol, they cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
(all joking aside...be safe and don't drink and drive, esp. Starbucks
)
I hereby declare the founding of the "77%" movement!
I think that's called DDAM! for Drunk Drivers Against Mothers!
Over three months and no jokes!!! Sinful. Oh! That reminds me!:
A man went to Saturday confession with the same priest he'd known for years.
Man: Holy Father, I confess to al....
Priest: Jim?
Man: Hi, Dan.
Priest: What brings you here?
Man: I used the "f" word this morning.
Priest: Go on.
Man: I got up early to play golf.
Priest: I can see where this is going, Jim, but continue.
Man: Well, I had done OK on the first three holes. I made the longest drive from the 4th hole tee I've ever made----into the woods.
Priest: That's when you said it?
Man: No. I found it and got it out of the woods----and into the woods on the other side of the green.
Priest: Ah, so that's when you said it?
Man: No, it stopped within 4 inches of the hole.
Priest: And you fucking missed it!?!?!?!?!?!
Sinful indeed, Bob, and it inspires me to re-tell my favorite confession joke. I had the nerve to tell it to our priest and he seemed to enjoy it, but he was mumbling something about excommunication.
Tommy O'Toole goes to Father Ryan for his confession: "Father, I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".
Recognizing his voice, Father says; "Is that you, young Tommy O'Toole? Tis a grievous sin and you must name the woman"
Tommy replies:"Aye, Father; it is I, but I cannot betray the woman".
Father asks: "Was it Meagan O'Hara?" Tommy: "I cannot say the name".
Father: "Was it Mary Flynn?". Tommy: "My lips are sealed".
Next: "Was it Patricia Dougherty?". "It would not be fair for me to say".
Father is becoming exasperated, but he continues and names six women, but Tommy steadfastly refuses each time to reveal anything. Father then realizes it's useless to continue: "Tommy, you're a stalwart lad. Say 20 Our Fathers and 20 Hail Marys and sin no more".
Tommy walks out and over to the pew where his friend Sean is kneeling, saying the penance he was given. Sean whispers:"What did he give you?". Tommy replies with enthusiasm: "Six good leads!".
Excellent, JK! I know just where I'm gonna put the f-bomb when I retell it.
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I simply don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"
An Amish man and his son visit a big mall for the first time and are amazed by the things they see. The shiny metal parts of a wall near them suddenly slide open and then close.
The son asks: "Father, what is that?". Father(having never seen an elevator before)responds: "I've never seen anything like that. I don't know what it is".
Just then an elderly woman in a wheel chair goes up to it and presses a button. They watch as the wall opens and she enters a small room inside before it closes again. They see blinking lights above it go up in number and then reverse and come down. It opens again and out steps a very beautiful 20 year old woman.
Father says "Son, go get your mother".
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,
he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that
the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the
bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw &
raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist
cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man,
a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the
light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as
a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about
to receive from Thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen.'
At first I wasn't sure where that one was going Adrian, but I like it.
For a second, I thought it was going to be 2 Kings 2:23-25. That's a good bear story. But not funny.
What's cooler than being invited to the White House? Marshawn Lynch!
Getting invited but just not wanting to go.I LOVE Marshawn! We don't just "allow" the players to be themselves; we CELEBRATE it!
But it did make me think of this joke, which I have undoubtedly posted before.
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:
"Fuck off Gates. Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"
You might have read this already, I seen it a while back and thought it would be a worth while addition here.
Try to read it as though you're there...It took me three or so attempts to read it the first time. I had to regroup.
These aren't my word, I just copied and pasted it here, please excuse the language (forum no-no).
"I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stranger kid's head) and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.
However, a few times I've been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fucking G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, motherfucker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When I finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fuck you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day."
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Blair
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
The Pope's visit brings to mind again the visit to NYC by one of his predecessors. The limo driver assigned to take him to an event arrived and was waiting, but the Pope was just standing and looking at the car. "Holy Father" said the driver "Please get in or we'll be late".
The Pope responded "I love fast cars, but they don't let me drive when I'm at the Vatican. You get in the back and I'll drive". The driver protested that if something went wrong he'd be in big trouble, but the Pope reassured him, so the driver got into the back compartment and the Pope took the wheel.
So the Pope takes off and floors it and soon is doing over a hundred. A cop gives chase and stops the limo. When he gets out and sees who the driver is he goes back to his car to radio his chief directly. "Chief, I just stopped a limo that was doing about 105, and I'm not sure what to do"
"Bust 'em", says the chief. "That might not be a good idea chief, this is somebody real important". "Doesn't matter. Is it the Mayor?". "Bigger". "Is it the Governor?". "Bigger". "Well who is it then?". "I can't see into the back compartment, but I think it's God!". "Why do you think it's God?". "Because he's got the Pope for a limo driver!".
This guy goes golfing with his buddy, a doctor. The doctor says, you haven't had a check up in years, you should come in.
He does, the doctor takes him into his study and tells him he has good news and bad, which does he want to hear first?
The bad news.
Well, today is Thursday, tomorrow your vision will become cloudy, Saturday, you will experience excruciating pain, and by Sunday, you will be dead, nothing to be done about it.
Jeez, What is the good news?
You see my new secretary?
I'm f**ing her.
Did you hear about the Jewish boy that asked his father for 30 dollars?
His father replied "20 dollars? What do you want 10 dollars for?"
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep?
A: Matt
