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#54723 - 08/20/07 06:05 PM Some blimps are better off dead. [Re: BrenR]
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16273
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
This isn't exactly a joke -- supposedly it's a true story -- but it's funnier than any I've read or heard in a long time.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=2943767&postcount=1
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54724 - 08/20/07 08:55 PM Re: Some blimps are better off dead. [Re: pmbuko]
St_PatGuy Offline
axiomite

Registered: 03/07/05
Posts: 7400
Loc: Glendale, Arizona
That was very funny!!

Great story.
_________________________
***********
"Nothin' up my sleeve. . ." --Bullwinkle J. Moose

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#54725 - 10/03/07 01:22 AM The Knob [Re: St_PatGuy]
Mojo Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3292
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on top of a woman's head which can be turned to tighten up her skin, producing the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts!!"

After a slight pause, she said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

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#54726 - 10/03/07 11:32 AM Re: The Knob [Re: Mojo]
HomeDad Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 12/29/05
Posts: 3301
Loc: Central,California
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
_________________________
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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#54727 - 10/03/07 09:57 PM Re: The Knob [Re: Mojo]
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10383
Yeah Mo, but sometimes alternatives to surgery will be suggested. For example, a young woman went to her regular physician, Dr. Morris, for an exam and confided that she was considering breast augmentation surgery. She questioned whether he could recommend someone and he replied that he could, but she should first try something that some of his patients had used successfully. Every morning, and he cautioned her not to skip even one, she was to massage her breasts while saying "Scoobie, doobie, doobies, give me bigger boobies".

Well, she did this for a few weeks and was thrilled to see some improvement, but one morning she got up late and had to rush out before she did her routine to get to work on time. Knowing that she couldn't skip it, on the bus she did her massaging and chanted as quietly as possible, but a man standing next to her overheard and asked: "You go to Dr. Morris, don't you?". "Yes", she replied, "how did you know?" He smiled "hickory, dickory, dock".
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Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#179192 - 10/16/07 06:35 PM Re: Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!! [Re: pmbuko]
Hutzal Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 2102
Loc: Hollywood. (Canadian @ <3)
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
_________________________
Producer | Composer
www.robbhutzal.com

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#180074 - 10/22/07 03:57 PM Re: Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!! [Re: Hutzal]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6390
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia
This is not the usual joke, just some really snarky commentary from http://www.wwtdd.com, one of my favorite celebrity gossip sites. The accompanying photos clearly show a puffy-lipped Brit:

--

Britney Spears was seen leaving a plastic surgeons office, and then all weekend she was photographed covering her mouth. Oh, I know, this master of deception has done it again. We’ve got a real mystery on our hands. I wonder what she did? Hmmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess she got collagen injected into her lips. And although I can think of worse things than girls with thick and less sensitive lips, this is Britney Spears, so she probably just had them injected so she could eat more ice cream without getting cold. Later she was seen at a veterinarian's office asking if they can unhinge her jaw like a python. Then she rubbed her hands together and explained, "Ima eat me a piggy in one swaller."
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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#180143 - 10/23/07 04:25 AM Re: Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!! [Re: medic8r]
BrenR Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 3602
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
 Originally Posted By: medic8r
All that's left of me is slight insanity,
What's on the right I don't know.
Also from that same song, I love the line "on a carousel I can never tell
my direction home"...

Didn't realize you're a Bob Mould fan... I knew I liked you.

Bren R.

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#180150 - 10/23/07 08:26 AM Jokes [Re: BrenR]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6390
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia


Bob is awesome! All I've been listening to in the car the last couple of days are Copper Blue and Beaster. Next I have to get his new concert DVD. Exciting!
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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#184887 - 11/21/07 10:14 AM Re: Jokes [Re: medic8r]
JaimeG Offline
aficionado

Registered: 12/25/02
Posts: 556
Loc: Ashburn, VA
This is a hilarious list of doctor's funny moments. Some of them had me LOL at work...

FROM: http://www.bubblejive.com/funny-moments-for-doctors
...
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name


...


Edited by JaimeG (11/21/07 10:17 AM)
_________________________
The sailor does not pray for wind, he learns to sail. --Lindborg

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