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#54403 - 07/16/04 06:36 PM OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16289
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
Politics is getting me down. This thread is for funny stuff. Jokes, funny pictures, etc etc...

Here's a nice clean one to start off:

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54404 - 07/17/04 01:31 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10406
Okay, Peter, that wasn't bad, but it was far too clean.

Teacher in the 6th grade science class asks her students: "What part of human anatomy increases 10 times in size when stimulated?" Suzie immediately objects:"You shouldn't be talking to us about things like that; we're only in the 6th grade!" Teacher ignores her and repeats: "What part of human anatomy increases 10 times in size when stimulated?" Suzie jumps up, hands on hips and says:"I'm going to tell my mother; she'll go to the school board, and you'll be fired!" Teacher asks the question a 3rd time, Johnny raises his hand and says: "The pupil of the eye". Teacher praises him and turns to Suzie: "Suzie, I've got three things to tell you; first, you've got a dirty mind; second, you didn't study your homework assignment; and third, a few years from now you're going to be AWFULLY disappointed"
_________________________
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#54405 - 07/17/04 02:54 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16289
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
HA!

Now that you've gone there...


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54406 - 07/17/04 03:18 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10406
Allright!

One night 6 year old Jimmy hears noises from the parents' bedroom and walks in. There's mommy straddling daddy and bouncing up and down. Jimmy runs out and mommy, embarrassed, throws on a robe and runs to Jimmy's bedroom, confident that she knows exactly how to explain. Jimmy asks: "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" Mommy replies: "Jimmy, you may have seen that daddy's tummy was getting too big, so I was exercising on it to push it back down". Jimmy shakes his head: " Mom, you're just wasting your time." "Why's that". "Cause every day that you go out to shop the lady from next door comes over, gets down on her knees, and blows it right back up again!"
_________________________
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Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54407 - 07/17/04 03:25 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16289
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
Awesome.

Ray3 and Ajax were talking about Viagra. Ajax had never heard of it and asked Ray3 what it was for. "It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like you're 25." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54408 - 07/17/04 03:25 AM Re: OT: Jokes
AdamP88 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 08/12/03
Posts: 639
Loc: Omaha, NE
Ha! That one's great, John!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.  So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for  sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.  So, he buys Randy.  The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

 "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.  You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job.  So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked.  Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese.  Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks.  Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard.  Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says,  "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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#54409 - 07/17/04 03:31 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16289
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
Heh.

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a dump. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit looking puzzled replies "Um, no."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54410 - 07/17/04 03:37 AM Re: OT: Jokes
AdamP88 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 08/12/03
Posts: 639
Loc: Omaha, NE
Google is great.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says "Doctor, I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent they stink terribly."

"Good" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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#54411 - 07/17/04 03:38 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10406
Cute, Adam; but Peter, I'm sure that Ray and Jack will protest that they can't imagine how you picked them as participants in that scenario.

I wonder if Mark(Bigwill)would have something to add. We've both been around jails and football teams quite a bit, and they're a plentiful source of material. Plus, he's now a schoolteacher, and that might be even better.
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54412 - 07/17/04 03:51 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16289
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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