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#54463 - 07/12/05 06:19 PM Re: OT: Jokes
shaned Offline
veteran

Registered: 05/12/05
Posts: 124
Loc: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Funny, and yet so true!

Shane D

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#54464 - 07/12/05 07:05 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bigjohn Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 3016
Loc: San Angelo, TX
how to you drown a blond..?





put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool..

bigjohn
_________________________
EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU THE SINGING BUSH??

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#54465 - 07/14/05 01:21 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10309
Well, after Peter was thoughtful enough to revive this thread, it seems to be petering out again, so I'd better make another contribution.

A couple was on the first tee at a very exclusive country club with several luxurious homes nearby, so he cautions her to be careful with her drive so that they don't break someone's window. Sure enough, her drive goes right through a window at the closest home. They walk over and since the door is open, walk in and see their ball on the floor lying in the shreds of a broken glass bottle. They begin to apologize to the guy standing there, but he says "Don't apologize, you've done me a great service. I'm a genie who was imprisoned for the last 1,000 years in that bottle which your ball broke. I can now grant three wishes; I'll give you each one, but I'd like to keep the third for myself". The guy says "I want to receive a million dollars every year". "Granted". The wife says "I want a luxurious vacation home in every country in the world". "They're yours now. For my own wish, I've been in that bottle for a thousand years without a woman, so I'd like to have sex with your wife" he tells the guy. The couple discusses it briefly and the husband agrees that since he's given them so much they can't deny his pleasure. So the wife goes up to the bedroom with him and there follows about an hour of the wildest love-making imaginable. After he's through they're lying there and he asks "By the way, how old is your husband?" "Thirty five". "And you mean that he still believes in genies?".
_________________________
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Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54466 - 07/14/05 03:05 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16227
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
That was good, but I guessed the punchline as soon as the genie named his wish.

Here's another.

Many years ago a young woman entered the butcher's shop, babe-in-arms, told him that the baby was his, and asked what was he going to do about it. After a brief period of shock, he told her that he could not be a father to the child but that he would provide her with free meat until the child turned 16. She agreed.

Years later, the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting the years. Tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he tolls his mother this.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54467 - 07/14/05 04:04 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10309
Allright, then; staying on the golfing theme: Two friends are playing golf and one wants to light up a cigar, so he asks his buddy for a lighter. His friend reaches into his golf bag and hands him a twelve inch long lighter. "Wow, where'd you get that monster?" "From my genie". "You've got a genie?". "Sure", and he opens a compartment in the golf bag and a little genie hops out. So the first guy asks him "I'm a very good friend of your master; will you grant me a wish?" "Yes I will". "I want a million bucks". The genie nods, waves his hand and jumps back into the bag. Instantly a million ducks appear in the sky overhead, pelting them with droppings. The first guy yells "I said a million bucks, not ducks!" His friend replies "I forgot to mention that the genie is hard of hearing, but did you really think that I asked him for a twelve inch Bic?"
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54468 - 07/14/05 07:26 AM Re: OT: Jokes
F107plus5 Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2034
Loc: Fla. Orig. Mich.
While laying under the stalled vehicle using his thumb nail to attempt to turn something, the young lady asked him if he needed a screwdriver?

"Might as well" he said, "The bus won't start."

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#54469 - 07/14/05 08:16 AM Re: OT: Jokes
F107plus5 Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2034
Loc: Fla. Orig. Mich.
After a particularily successfull deer hunting season; Johnies' Mom sent him to school with some venison to share with the rest of the class.

He offered some to Billy. What is it Johnie asked?

Pork?

Carl?

Beef?

Suzy?

Chicken?

Johnie saw that they needed a clue! "It's what your mommy calls your Daddy", Johnie said.

"Spit it out" said Harold; "It's [censored]!"

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#54470 - 07/18/05 03:49 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16227
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
More golfing, but we haven't gone here yet.
-----

An Irishman is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a priest in a small parish!"
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54471 - 07/18/05 08:40 AM Re: OT: Jokes
dmn23 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 02/01/03
Posts: 649
Loc: Nashville, TN
Oy vey...
_________________________
M22ti mains, EP175 sub, VP150 center, QS4 surrounds

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#54472 - 07/18/05 10:33 PM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10309
Good one, Peter, although I'd heard it before(our priest told me it in the sanctuary after mass). That was an exceedingly smooth transition from a golfing theme into a religious theme, so I'll continue the transition with one that sister told me when I was in the 6th grade: One of the rooms in the convent was being refurbished and the Mother Superior ordered two of the new young nuns to repaint the walls of the room, but very sternly warned that they were not to get a single drop of paint on their habits. So the new nuns discussed this and decided that they would lock the door, take off their habits and place them in the middle of the room, and paint the walls while nude. So they did and after a few minutes of painting they heard a knock at the door and someone calling "blind man". Well, they figured that it would be okay to let a blind man in, so they unlocked the door. In walks a guy carrying a big carton who takes a look at them and says "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?".
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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