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#54483 - 08/20/05 08:36 PM Re: OT: Jokes
dmn23 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 02/01/03
Posts: 649
Loc: Nashville, TN
Outstanding! I've got just the person to e-mail that one to...
_________________________
M22ti mains, EP175 sub, VP150 center, QS4 surrounds

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#54484 - 08/21/05 01:23 AM Re: OT: Jokes
tmoyak Offline
frequent flier

Registered: 06/26/04
Posts: 16
Loc: Erie, PA
This one had me rolling. It is one of those jokes that the guys laugh hysterically at and the women roll their eyes at:


The Sensitive Guy
=================

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one--maybe he could father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.

She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


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#54485 - 08/21/05 09:13 AM Re: OT: Jokes
RickF Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 5210
Loc: Vero Beach, Florida
In reply to:

The City Of Detroit High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME _________________
GANG NAME ________________________________
FATHER'S NAME (if known) ___________________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? Extra credit: convert your answer to grams.
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyron e knocked up?
9. Ivan is a lookout for the gang. He has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Ivan makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on this income? (Assume he spends it all on the Boa.)
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?




_________________________
Rick
Our Room

smile

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#54486 - 08/21/05 01:59 PM Re: OT: Jokes
Ken.C Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/03/03
Posts: 17741
Loc: NoVA
Man, that's just depressing.
_________________________
I didn't do it, no one saw me, you can't prove anything.

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#54487 - 08/21/05 08:23 PM Re: OT: Jokes
AshBoomstick Offline
aficionado

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 540
Loc: Richmond, VA
you didn't score too high, huh?
_________________________
Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?

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#54488 - 08/21/05 08:40 PM Re: OT: Jokes
F107plus5 Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2034
Loc: Fla. Orig. Mich.
I'm depressed too....I spent my first seven or so years growing up in Detroit....and my income was never anywhere as good as those fellows

We lived there til outboard motors became reliable enough in the early 50s to make it worthwhile to move out to a lake and take up waterskiing.

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#54489 - 08/22/05 01:23 AM Re: OT: Jokes
AshBoomstick Offline
aficionado

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 540
Loc: Richmond, VA
all i know about Detroit is 1: after watching John Singleton's Four Brother's, I don't wanna live there and 2: they didn't make enough f-in Mustangs this year 'cause I don't have one sitting in my driveway!
_________________________
Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?

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#54490 - 08/22/05 08:45 AM Re: OT: Jokes
Zarak Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 1849
Loc: PA
They have a nice airport at least. I was there about a week ago catching a connection. It is big though. We had about 20 minutes to get from one end of C all the way to the other end of A. We had to hustle, but we made it. Unfortunately our bags did not. They should up a little after noon at our door the next day.

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#54491 - 08/22/05 02:35 PM Re: OT: Jokes
dmn23 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 02/01/03
Posts: 649
Loc: Nashville, TN
Guy goes to see his doctor...

"Well, Mr. Peterson, I have bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's."

"Thank you for being honest, Doctor. Hey, at least I don't have cancer!"
_________________________
M22ti mains, EP175 sub, VP150 center, QS4 surrounds

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#54492 - 08/22/05 08:25 PM Re: OT: Jokes
rcvecc Offline
aficionado

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 608
Loc: east haven ct
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it
saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older
alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a
burnt, crumpling mess about 20 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his
big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried
alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself
twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"





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