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#54563 - 11/18/05 04:30 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16221
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
but, but, genetics don't work that way!
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54564 - 11/18/05 03:16 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16221
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and found that they had a computer installed in the room. So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However - he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Texas, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He had been a Minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. - Sure is freakin' hot down here!
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54565 - 11/18/05 04:16 PM Re: OT: Jokes
Ken.C Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/03/03
Posts: 17695
Loc: NoVA
Who writes these things? They all sound like they come out of a wanna-be-snooty midwestern church.

"called home to glory?"
_________________________
I didn't do it, no one saw me, you can't prove anything.

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#54566 - 11/18/05 04:24 PM Re: OT: Jokes
Rock_Head Offline
aficionado

Registered: 10/10/04
Posts: 867
Loc: Delta, BC, Canada
Not to open-up a whole can of worms, but I suppose we will never truly know until we get there...

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#54567 - 11/18/05 04:42 PM Re: OT: Jokes
Ken.C Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/03/03
Posts: 17695
Loc: NoVA
It was just the turn of phrase. Perhaps it was more romance writers I was trying to come up with. "Pulsating" seems like it's a word that would fit in well in these.
_________________________
I didn't do it, no one saw me, you can't prove anything.

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#54568 - 11/18/05 08:50 PM Re: OT: Jokes
rcvecc Offline
aficionado

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 608
Loc: east haven ct
a little boy walks up to his father and asks-daddy,whats a transvestite?
his father says-go ask your mother,he'll tell you

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#54569 - 11/23/05 03:04 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16221
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia

_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54570 - 11/23/05 03:07 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16221
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
A city dweller calls his old school buddy, who used to break and train thoroughbreds, and asks if he could send a friend over to look at one of his horses.

The horse man asks, "How will I recognize your friend?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the trainer asks him if he's looking for a colt or a filly.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The trainer is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the trainer grabs the midget under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephwase that - can I thee her wun awound a liddlebit?"
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54571 - 12/01/05 12:23 PM Re: OT: Jokes
sidvicious02 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 973
Loc: Brandon, Manitoba
this needs reviving...i'm not normally an email joke person, but this one struck me as very humorous (apologies for the length):



Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t [censored] with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone

within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

_________________________
"Chickens don't clap."

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#54572 - 12/01/05 04:16 PM Re: OT: Jokes
sidvicious02 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 973
Loc: Brandon, Manitoba
many thanks Amie (or whomever) edited the bad word....i didn't realize until after i had posted and had passed the allowable limit for an edit. My apologies to everyone.

I hope it at least made someone crack a smile.
_________________________
"Chickens don't clap."

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