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#371827 - 04/01/12 10:16 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: BobKay]
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10395
Sinful indeed, Bob, and it inspires me to re-tell my favorite confession joke. I had the nerve to tell it to our priest and he seemed to enjoy it, but he was mumbling something about excommunication.

Tommy O'Toole goes to Father Ryan for his confession: "Father, I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".

Recognizing his voice, Father says; "Is that you, young Tommy O'Toole? Tis a grievous sin and you must name the woman"

Tommy replies:"Aye, Father; it is I, but I cannot betray the woman".

Father asks: "Was it Meagan O'Hara?" Tommy: "I cannot say the name".

Father: "Was it Mary Flynn?". Tommy: "My lips are sealed".

Next: "Was it Patricia Dougherty?". "It would not be fair for me to say".

Father is becoming exasperated, but he continues and names six women, but Tommy steadfastly refuses each time to reveal anything. Father then realizes it's useless to continue: "Tommy, you're a stalwart lad. Say 20 Our Fathers and 20 Hail Marys and sin no more".

Tommy walks out and over to the pew where his friend Sean is kneeling, saying the penance he was given. Sean whispers:"What did he give you?". Tommy replies with enthusiasm: "Six good leads!".
_________________________
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Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#371828 - 04/01/12 10:19 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: JohnK]
BobKay Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 03/23/10
Posts: 3159
Loc: Massachusetts Badlands
Excellent, JK! I know just where I'm gonna put the f-bomb when I retell it.
_________________________
"Ya rolls the dice and ya takes yer chanskes."
Popeye

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#381219 - 08/06/12 11:55 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10900
Loc: Central NH
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I simply don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"
_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#393149 - 05/15/13 10:56 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10395
An Amish man and his son visit a big mall for the first time and are amazed by the things they see. The shiny metal parts of a wall near them suddenly slide open and then close.

The son asks: "Father, what is that?". Father(having never seen an elevator before)responds: "I've never seen anything like that. I don't know what it is".

Just then an elderly woman in a wheel chair goes up to it and presses a button. They watch as the wall opens and she enters a small room inside before it closes again. They see blinking lights above it go up in number and then reverse and come down. It opens again and out steps a very beautiful 20 year old woman.

Father says "Son, go get your mother".
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#403615 - 04/28/14 08:07 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
Adrian Offline
axiomite

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 6613
Loc: It's all about the location.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,

he heard a rustling in the bushes behind

him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot

grizzly bear charge towards him.





He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that

the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the

bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw

that the bear was right on top of him,

reaching for him with his left paw &

raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant moment, the Atheist

cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man,

a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these

years, teach others I don't exist and

even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of

this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the

light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical

of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as

a Christian now, but perhaps you could

make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the

forest resumed. And the bear dropped

his right paw, brought both paws

together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about

to receive from Thy bounty through

Christ our Lord, Amen.'
_________________________
Half of communication is listening. You can't listen with your mouth.

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#403622 - 04/28/14 09:27 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
nickbuol Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 09/16/04
Posts: 4474
Loc: Marion, IA
At first I wasn't sure where that one was going Adrian, but I like it.
_________________________
http://ht.buol.us
M60s, VP180, VP150, QS8s, SVS 20-39PCi, HTPC, JVC RS45, Onkyo TX-NR709, Shakers

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#403626 - 04/28/14 02:39 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: nickbuol]
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16280
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
For a second, I thought it was going to be 2 Kings 2:23-25. That's a good bear story. But not funny.
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#403630 - 04/28/14 03:07 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10900
Loc: Central NH
Funny!
_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#403632 - 04/28/14 04:10 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
brwsaw Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 10/12/12
Posts: 1050
I chuckled.
_________________________
It's a joke

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#404500 - 05/22/14 01:17 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
tomtuttle Offline
axiomite

Registered: 06/20/03
Posts: 8290
Loc: Tacoma
What's cooler than being invited to the White House? Marshawn Lynch! Getting invited but just not wanting to go.

I LOVE Marshawn! We don't just "allow" the players to be themselves; we CELEBRATE it!

But it did make me think of this joke, which I have undoubtedly posted before.

Quote:
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:

"Fuck off Gates. Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"
_________________________
bibere usque ad hilaritatem

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