Speechless...

Three men -- a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker -- were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she'd enjoy the trip and know that I love her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go f*** herself."

The other day I was driving home from work. There was a Harley dude riding in front of me, I really liked his shirt.

An escaped convict, still in his prison uniform and armed with a gun, broke into a couples' bedroom. He tied them both up on their beds and the husband was distressed to see him leaning over his wife and kissing her on the neck.

He then went into the bathroom, so the husband whispered "Honey, this guy probably hasn't had a woman in years and from his kissing you on the neck like that, it looks like he wants to have sex with you. If you resist him, he may hurt us. So be brave; I love you".

The wife whispered back "Actually he wasn't kissing me on the neck. He was whispering into my ear how attractive he thought you were and that he was going into the bathroom to get some vaseline. Be brave; I love you too".

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love
you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His teenage son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son ...
what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"

Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ......... Priceless.

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL
BLONDE WHO WAVES AT
HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE
HE KNOWS HER
FROM, SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE
REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE
THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN
UNFAITHFUL TO
HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM
MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT
I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE, WITH ALL MY BUDDIES
WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER
WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT IN
MY BUTT?"

SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER"

BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS

"Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO."

Tom, a major medical advance indeed, and since I'm part-owner in both companies I'll be happy if profits also rise.

For a little something that Doc Swing might(possibly) enjoy: Patient to psychiatrist: "Doctor, please help me. I'm under terrible pressure and lose my temper with people very easily." Psychiatrist: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "Well, that's what I just did, you stupid bastard!"

LOL, that is a good one. Reminds me of my 4 o'clock. JK!

Here's another one; not sure if it's been posted here before. Kind of crude, but I'm sure it'll fly here:

---
A woman is in her psychiatrist's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you right now."

LOL at HomieDad's jokes also, esp. the math teacher. That's too much. Here's another dirty doctor joke:
---


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."