Axiom Home Page Forums General Discussion The Water Cooler It's NOT all in your head.

Now that we’ve helped identify, treat and cure all of your psychoses, I thought, while that sort of stuff is still fresh in your memories, that I must point out a far more insidious condition.

I wish that it were not pervasive here, but it is. I wish that it were latent, but it is not. I have tried to ignore it, I cannot.

I clearly see, having monitored this almost for over 18 months, that it has become epidemic. Those of you over 45 don’t concern me as much. You’ve made your hideous choice and it does not seem that those of you afflicted care to do even recognize it, let alone, modify the behavior. My greater fear, however, is that you are having an influence on the younger people who frequent this site and it’s not a positive influence. David, Ben, Shawn and others came here with an innocence that I have witnessed diminish to the point that they are now as completely confused as those of you to whom I am referring.

Still, it goes unchecked. The 800 lb gorilla seems here to stay, sadly. I can only bring him to your collective attention, as I am powerless to affect change. For some of you, I fear that it is far too late. You have neither the will power, nor enough years remaining to fix yourselves and get help.

I feel most sorry for your wives and children. I can take an educated guess to presume that many of your non-virtual friends suffer the same disorder, so it’s a collective of blissful ignorance and avoidance.

I’ve been trying to side-step the actual term, as it sounds so hopeless and irreversible. Maybe it is. You’ll have to ask Michelle Bachman’s husband if there is anything than can be done to even begin to help you out of your identity crises.

It’s an ugly word, for sure, but this malady needs to be named and acknowledged. In my wildest nightmares, I never imagined forcing myself to say it, but I have to: Metrosexuality.

I’m quite sure this festering psychosis began innocently enough; some snack ideas for football night with the guys, a beer conversation devolving into a check list of everyone’s favorite sauterns and apperatifs.
Obviously, none of you was aware of the slippery slope onto which you tethered your toboggans. I wish I could make the time and do the thread research to demonstrate how much worse the problem has become in this last year alone.

We have seen threads for fashion accessories, like $450 booties, that garnered way too big an audience to sweep it under the rug. There are vacuum cleaner threads, personal grooming threads; the list goes on and on. I tried to pretend it wasn’t really happening. I even talked to friends about it to be sure I wasn’t projecting. And I asked people of all seven sexual persuasions to weigh in, so don’t go right back into denial thinking it wasn’t a fair straw vote.

They all asked pointed questions. I answered as honestly as I could, though the questions alone were enough for me to start to sweat. I really like you guys and I didn’t, I just didn’t want to lift back the veil and see things for what they really were.

They asked about a couple of my new kitchen knives. I told then I got the advice from you guys. Stifled laughter. “What about that new mandoline?” “Same thing,” I told them. “How many different responses did you get your your slice and dice query?” “Nine.” Snickers. “Have there been recipes exchanged?” “Often.” Hysterical laughter containment breached. Choking and stomach holding ensue.

In your defense(s), I mentioned that I bought my chain saw from advice here, and I made reference to all the car, truck, beer alcoholism, sports stuff, motorcycles and other “manly” topics often discussed. They weren’t buying it. “For f’sake, Bob, if any should recognize compensatory behaviors, it’s you!” I thought, “OMG! Screw the MDD, ‘cause that’s sure as hell denial.” I had no valid avenue of argument left to pursue. I so wanted to save you from all of this, but they had me up against the wall.

One last desperate try. “But tons of them are really competent DIY guys, at lots of different things!”
The reply, “Yeah, so are lesbians!” Endgame!

Because you’re all so important to me, I gave it my best shot to defend your heterosexuality from all fronts. But hey, I’m not my brother’s keeper, nor my man-sisters’ keepers either.

You have brought this all on yourselves. I will try to keep from telling them of your exciting new finds of an electric cherry pitter, your garnishing cutlery and your insistence on maintaining large collections of
music that requires hormone replacement therapy to stave off telltale signs of metropause, but, honestly, I’m tired now and I’ve done all I can think of to help you.

Your true gender self-identities, muddled though they may be, are all yours now. I will still do what I can for you, but it would be easier to find a suit for Ron Paul that doesn’t look like it was made in 1983 in the USSR.

Reactions:

1. So, Metrosexuality is a bad thing, then?
2. I did not know that about myself /RonWhite
3. Would it help if we scratched and spit a bit more, or is it too late for that?
4. I guess I'm going to have to go elsewhere for advice on that big tweezers buying decision I have looming.

1.Only if it is undiagnosed, untreated, and most importantly, unrequited.
2.Oh, yes he did. Everyone does!
3.Lesbians scratch and spit (more convincingly, too!).
4."Manscaping" and masturbation are not the same thing, unless you have fetishized electrolysis.

I'm just sitting here drinking my champagne on my loveseat with semi matching ottoman and cushions to tie the whole thing together. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Crap. There's a duvet on my bed.

...and it really ties the room together, man.

Sorry to burst your bubble Bob, but I'm turning this thing around.

Manly post

I was going to type a response earlier, but my nails weren't dry yet.




Oops, almost dropped a bon-bon on the keyboard.

Silly.

What's a duvet?

A compact pick up truck discussion only reinforces Bob's argument.

Damn, now I want some chocolate.

Maybe ice cream.

It's a vet that hasn't come home!

Or, it could be a down filled comforter.

You CAN NOT be serious! It says you owned a Subaru. You ARE a lesbian!!!!

You know, for an area where almost everyone's family was derived from fishermen and farmers at some point in their recent history, the culture has slowly become very open and while definitely not perfect and we still have some catching up to do, "homosexuality" is no longer the dirty word that it used to be.

"Metrosexual" however, well.... we need to chat.

I know. That's why it's not fun anymore.

Andrew is definitely a metrosexual!

Yeah, that just happened, buddy!

Ya, it's been a slippery slope since I replaced my big trail modded Jeep Rubicon with a Toyota Tacoma. I think I can still be saved though. I just need a weekend with you, a couple of your cute caregivers and some beer Jenga.

Can “litmus” exist without “test?”

In order to either allay your fears, or to confirm them, I have devised this “Am I a Metrosexual?” test.

Keep your own score. Interpretation of score totals will be revealed at a later date.

“Yes” = 1 pt.
“No” = 0 pts.

1. I can make a mojito
2. I like mojitos (add 1)
3. There are products in the bathroom that are mine, but are not shampoo, soap, or for shaving
4. I drive a two-door car
5. It is a convertible (add 2)
6. It is a Saab convertible (add 3)
7. It is neither #’s 4, 5 or 6, but it is a Subaru (add 4)
8. I can still remember my favorite Pouilly Fusse
9. I know what happens to hollandaise when you add tarragon
10. I have bought kitchen utensils for my own use
11. I can point to the placard on my shirt
12. I own a nail file
13. Our household subscribes to a food mag
14. Our household subscribes to a wine mag (add 1)
15. I know what “Dwell” is
16. I care about what kind/brand of slippers I wear
17. There are no holes in any of my socks or underwear
18. I talk to my mother more than twice a week
19. My mother is dead, but I still talk to her (add 2)
20. I have used the term “window treatment”
21. I can laugh at Sophia Vergara w/o noticing her cleavage (freebie)
22. I cannot stand my son’s boyfriend
23. I have read “Men’s Health”
24. I have subscribed to “Men’s Health” (if “yes,” then this test is over now for you)
25. When I compliment my wife’s new outfit, I know what the fabrics are made from and how much those f’n shoes really cost
26. I can fashion cool drink and plate garnishes
27. In a nice restaurant, I have commented on the plate presentation
28. When buying underwear, color is a consideration
29. I live in Seattle
30. I wish I lived in Seattle (add 2)
31. I consider female artists and musicians to be equal to their male counterparts
32. While in the check-out aisle, I have flipped through Cosmopolitan to speed-read “This technique will drive your man crazy” articles
33. I belong to a gym
34. I have friends at the gym (add 1)
35. I have made friends at the gym who are now my everyday friends (add 2)
36. I do not need GPS to locate the nearest charcouterie
37. I pay more than $15 for a haircut (over $30, add 1)
38. I know which brands are the best, no matter the products
39. I know my wife’s favorite clothing designer
40. I have seen at least one episode of “Sex and the City”
41. I frequent a dog park
42. I frequent a dog park, but do not own a dog (add 1)
43. I own a cat (add 1)
44. I own more than one cat (add 2)
45. …and I live alone (add 3)
46. I have played an integral role in choosing what goes into our house
47. I have made many of those choices alone (add 1)
48. I have been given permission to make those choices alone (add 2)
49. I am deferred to when those choices arise (add 3)
50. I am not gay

I love that Bob exists to entertain us.

Well done. I will take the quiz at my next break.

Bearnaise sauce is money especially with seafood or a nice steak. But I like to use sherry vinegar or red wine vinegar instead of lemon juice with Bearnaise. Lemon juice has to be used with Hollandaise though. How many extra points do you get if you know that Hollandaise is whats called a "mother sauce"?

I got a 14.

But I just last week considered subscribing to Men's Health.

There is a simpler test.

Look at your fingernails.

Pause......










Was your hand palm up, with your fingers curled?

Or, was your palm down and your fingers extended?


Depending on your response, you will have your answer.

Test this with your wife, G-friend, female friend, etc...

My palm was down, but it was also hairy.

What mean, this, oh Master?

I got a 13. Mostly because I'm owned by a cat and I live alone, and I buy my own stuff.

I got number 9, number9, number9.

I got a five.

I have a cat, used to read Men's Health many moons ago, my barbershop charges $16,I don't want underwear with stripes and I have seen a few episodes of Sex in the City, but watched it for the boobies.

A FEW episodes of Sex in the City? each one should count as a point as far as I'm concerned.

In Adrian's world, my score is 108.

Bob should have added another question...

#51....you can quote the Olive Garden's menu off-by-heart.

I suck. I only got a four, but I may have to re-take it when I have more time.

That must happen !

I'm not 100% positive, but I'm pretty sure it's OK if you didn't get a high score.

This isn't Bejeweled 3, you know.

Oh, Bob: Should Bejeweled be on the list?

The following apply to me, but some not as they're intended -

10. I have bought kitchen utensils for my own use

I live on my own, though.

18. I talk to my mother more than twice a week

My situation is an exception.

20. I have used the term “window treatment”

Guilty.

31. I consider female artists and musicians to be equal to their male counterparts

LMAO! Guilty, but everyone should be ! And if not, you're a misogynistic gay man .

50. I am not gay

Guilty.

Soooooooooo, I really score a 3.

So, add 1 makes it 2 points if yes?

After reading Bob's post, my head is cluttered with one thought that goes around in circles like the cat after the stupid light spot never realzing that LED lamps can go forever on a good 9 volt battery, and that thought is "What?!!".

I can read no more today, of anything, not even the newspaper methinks.

Bob, dammit, you're right! It made me "reflect", and I decided to replace the Subaru with something a bit more masculine. It's being delivered any time now...

Wait until they deliver the hopper!

I got 19. But I just farted in front of my wife and we both laughed.

I'm at 5 or 9, depending on the answers to the following questions. Do these count?

? I used to go to a gym for many years. However, it was a school gym and I was taking karate and kobujitsu. I no longer do either do to an injury.

? We have two cats, but I consider them my wife's and I once accidentally ran over one of them with my Jeep. He lived, I almost didn't.

? I I admit I have fast forwarded through a few Sex in the City episodes when it first came out but gave that up once I realized there really wasn't any sex to speak of. Just City.

One's I can't get out of....
-- I am nailed on buying kitchen utensils but only because I disagree with my wife's philosophy that you can cut, chop or carve anything with a pairing knife.

-- I do pay more than $30 dollars after taxes for my hair cut but because the only non-salon option in this HUGE Metropolis of 58,000 (counting the sometimes rural extremities of it's tax base) is a lone, old fashioned barber shop run by an old man with failing eyesight. He does have a hot, young, assistant now but she is totally booked by all the old pervs in the neighborhood. The waiting list is longer than Madonna's hair stylist (or so I'm told.)

-- I have given input to the decor of our house. I will admit (and expect penalty points for even saying this) that I have an 'equal to' or often better eye for these things than my wife. However, that in no means makes me correct or grants authority.

-- I am not gay. [Insert best Sienfeld voice here...] "Not that there is anything wrong with that!"

So many great and funny responses.

Considering the fact that there is no such thing, but the moniker "sounds" gender-insulting to men, I was most amused by your efforts to distance yourselves from as many of the possibilities as you could.

You also felt the (compelling?) need to explain or clairify any (self-admitted) "yes" responses.

Ha! And I'm the one in therapy!

At the very least, everyone should have scored a minimum of 2. You cannot help but see Ms. Vergara's cleavage (honestly, neither can I) and you are not gay (and neither am I, really, though Bill and I are still arguing over it after more than 15 years).

Technically speaking, if you live alone, and it's not in abject squalor, then you have to do "metro" things, you gender-bending little pervs.

Even though the compound term is all Madison Ave.,
the first word is METRO. If you do not live in a major urban area, you have less of those things at your disposal (temptations?). As for the 2nd 1/2 of the term, there is nothing sexual about any of it. It is about stereotyped, gender-based associations and has nothing to do with sex at all (nor gender identity).

If you are a male who enjoys the finer things in life, knows how to assess quality and seeks it out, then you qualify. Terminolgy still has such an impact on perceptions, doesn't it, girlfriends?

So, rest easy, gentlemen, no one is metro, though Andrew and Tom could make a good case study for its existence. If you know the difference between hollandaise and bernaise, it's because you were paying enough attention to have made a conscious desicion as to which one you would prefer to shovel into your piehole when next offered the choice.

If you have never gone, "ooh," at the sight of a plate of awesome looking food put before you, then it's your sensuality that's in question, as well as your observational abilities.

It's about being excited by all things sensual, art, film, music, food, cool clothes (not fashion), pets, your domestic surroundings---everything you come into contact with that can absorbed and appreciated.

If you have ever told the florist exactly which posies you'd prefer in the arangement you were bringing home to your wife, then...

If you cannot point to the placard on your shirt, that merely makes you uninformed and oblivious, like the guys I work with who wear toolbelts. They're kind, generous, really good guys, but they're still muttonheads. If I tell then I went out to a steakhouse last night and had a great fillet, they will, for sure, ask why I went to a steakhouse to have fish.

This post has been a great chance to laugh at ourselves. In the end, being able to laugh at ourselves is what really counts. It means you are comfortable with yourself, which is much more important than canned definition of self.

This post has been a great chance to laugh at ourselves Murph. In the end, being able to laugh at ourselves Murph is what really counts.

I have a Saab 92X which is a Subaru Wagon with Saab badges. Can I get a ruling from the judges on how many points to assign?

That would be more effective were you not wearing pink headgear in your sig. Snicker.

Sincerely, Bob

Thanks Bob, you're the greatest! Apparently being divorced greatly enhances my manliness as it eliminates a lot of the questions right off the top.

I should take a big hit for buying all the stuff in my place, including kitchen utensils. However, looking past the receiver precariously ballanced on an old PC case at the drill press and golf clubs in my hallway, I'm thinking my interior decorating skills only further enhance my already über machoness.

Infinity?

As the post creator, you were naturally excluded and fear not. You remain the "Mirro Mirror on the Wall" whom we continue to look to when we are getting a bit too smug and need to be taken down a peg or two in the most brutal and fiendish fashion.

Read between the lines for the disguised curse words and obscenities that I initially was typing for you.

Worst of all, I still love you for it Bob. Your efforts to make us all hate you continue to fail dramatically.

1.) pussie
2.) Remember, Cam has now defined love as socialist. Reflekt, Comrade.

I try not to curse too much online. You never know what future employee will start searching around for you.

Cam is already my new glorious leader. Together we shall forge a Utopia where every man has equal access to micro-brewery equipment, German serving girls shall be our chief import and Celine Dion knock-offs shall be our cheap export. Our military will be led by Nicklebak to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies and Beer Jenga shall be our National Sport.

I don't know if I'm recalling this correctly, but the first one was partly to blame for the outbreak of WWII, and the second will for sure cause WWIII.