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#54473 - 07/18/05 11:03 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16323
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

#54474 - 07/20/05 05:32 PM Re: OT: Jokes
tomtuttle Offline

Registered: 06/20/03
Posts: 8345
Loc: Tacoma
The observations about WAF in the Thunder Table thread made me think of this...

Four Secrets to Happy Relationships

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

bibere usque ad hilaritatem

#54475 - 08/12/05 06:49 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16323
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
Guaranteed Weight Loss Program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to the very serious health risks of his obesity. As he sat wondering how in the heck he was going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised, so he calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

#54476 - 08/12/05 06:58 PM Re: OT: Jokes
oz350z Offline

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 562
Loc: Atlanta
To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your e xcellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

"Life is what happens while your busy making other plans" John Lennon

#54477 - 08/12/05 11:17 PM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10454
Ah Peter, again your punchline subtly creates a change of focus. I'll do likewise, beginning with my previous religious theme and then changing to...

A guy's driving on a relatively deserted road and comes upon a nun in full habit standing by a broken-down car and hitchhiking. So he picks up the nun and is driving to a garage when he begins to shake uncontrollably. The nun asks "What's wrong?" "Sister, I'm so embarassed. I went to catholic school and always had a fantasy of having sex with one of the nuns. Being so close to you now, I can't control myself". The nun answered "I understand, we're all human and have such feelings from time to time. It will be all right first, if you're not married and have no children, and second, you'd have to take me in the back way, because that won't break the vows that I've taken". He quickly agrees to both, parks the car, lifts up the back of the nun's habit, and realizes his fantasy. Afterwards they're driving and he begins shaking again. "What is it now?", the nun asks. "Sister, I lied; I'm married and have two kids". "That's all right, I lied too. My name is Kevin and I was on my way to a halloween costume party".

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.

#54478 - 08/19/05 12:43 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16323
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
Continuing in the same general direction...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went up to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

#54479 - 08/19/05 01:37 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10454
Refined and delicate humor indeed, Peter. While you're suffering with that clock radio in the hotel room(not even a Bose?)I'll continue the religious theme, but this time one that our priest got from a protestant minister friend of his.

One sunday after the service the minister was in his office meeting with three couples who wanted to become members of the church. One couple was elderly, one middle-aged and one young newly-weds. The minister explained that they would first have to show a willingness to sacrifice for their faith and this meant that they would have to abstain from sex for two weeks for him to consider them for membership.

Two weeks later the three couples again met the minister in his office and he questioned the elderly couple first. The husband replied "We had no trouble at all during the two weeks, reverend". The minister, smiling, told them "Welcome to the church!"

He then turned to the middle-aged couple and the husband reported that "It was difficult, and the last three nights I slept on the couch, but we persevered". "Welcome to the church!"

Finally it was the turn of the young newly-weds. The husband faced the minister, saying "We were allright for the first nine days, but on the tenth day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, but it fell. She bent over right in front of me to pick it up and I was so overcome with lust that I took her then and there". The minister sadly shook his head "You know that this means that you're not welcome in the church?" "Yes, and we're not welcome in Safeway either".


Enjoy the music, not the equipment.

#54480 - 08/19/05 10:14 AM Re: OT: Jokes
dmn23 Offline

Registered: 02/01/03
Posts: 649
Loc: Nashville, TN
Here's one that showed up in my inbox this morning:

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you do."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?

The kid says "$101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HECK DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing..."
M22ti mains, EP175 sub, VP150 center, QS4 surrounds

#54481 - 08/20/05 02:21 PM Re: OT: Jokes
BrenR Offline

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 3602
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
This is the one joke that even gets my terrible jokes friends to roll their eyes. My apologies if I offend anyone, but keep this around if you ever want the in-laws to suddenly remember they left the iron on...

Q: What's 18" long and makes women scream?
A: Crib death

Bren R.

#54482 - 08/20/05 05:08 PM Re: OT: Jokes
littleb Offline

Registered: 08/03/03
Posts: 1235
Loc: Moorhead, Minnesota/US
Of course you'll forgive me, Bren, if I don't cut and paste that one to my sister-in-law.

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