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WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72542 12/17/04 05:17 PM
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A little background. My nephew, a 40ish pilot with America West, keeps a blog where he posts random thoughts and ideas. I post this strictly for entertainment purposes, and will not be the least offended if nobody finds it funny but me.

If you're pressed for time, scroll down and begin with the paragraph that begins "My Family moved to L.A. on July 2, 1969." I'll be surprised if it doesn't rekindle some memories of your own childhood stupidity. Also, I'd like to state that I was totally unaware of this incident until today.

Thursday, October 14, 2004
Why I would make a crappy terrorist!
I can totally understand why there are so many terrorists. All over the world there are thousands of kids just waiting to become terrorists or strap on a belt-o-bombs and I have often found myself asking why? Is it the cool masks you get to wear? The beat up off-road vehicles they get to drive? Is it because you don't have to shave? (That would do it for me right there.) Is it because you get to wear your ammunition belts across your chest? (No...wait...that's Mexican Banditos) I even began to wonder if it was the seemingly unlimited access to the Monkey Bars these guys seem to get. Then along came the 4th of July and it hit me. I think I really have it this time. It's because you get to play with explosives without your mom telling you to be careful or you'll blow your finger off! Just imagine...Some young, sweaty, UNSHAVEN lad is sitting in a dank flat in downtown Falluja. He has just soldered the last connection on his improvised explosive device. He shoves it into a duffel bag, grabs his AK-47 and as he reaches the door, in bursts...no, not the Iraqi police...it's his mother with a bologna sandwich and a box of juice in a lunch bag. "You be careful with that thing or you'll blow your finger off." This, of course, would never happen because... of course...they don't eat bologna. Boy they don't know what they're missing. I love to fold a piece in half and bite the middle of the edge and then when you open it up...that's right...bologna hole! That's so cool. Maybe that's the problem. Not enough Bologna Holes! Any way...

I always thought I could be one of those guys. I can drive a Jeep. I can wear a mask. And I can totally not shave for a long time (Of course who would know if I had my mask on?) I could drive you and anybody else you wanted to the secret Monkey Bar camp while wearing a mask and not shaving. Hell, you could probably even throw a couple of those Mexican Bandito ammo belts over my shoulder and I would be OK. (I'd have to take them off to actually do the Monkey Bars. I mean I'm not Superman...Duh.) My problem would definitely be the explosives. On that point, I don’t have the best track record.

My family moved to L.A. on July 2, 1969. Two days later we were at the home of my dad’s boss and I saw firecrackers for the first time. I was only five but there I was…lighting firecrackers. Actually, I would hold it, dad would light it and then he would yell “throw it” as loud as he could. (He didn’t want me to blow my finger off.) I was hooked! I didn’t really want to be a terrorist. (All that hiding and other guys tryin’ to kill you and…hey…ya know…sometimes you just don’t feel like doing the Monkey Bars!) Any way… I always thought it would be cool to be one of those special effect guys that blew things up. Then I discovered “rocket igniters.” The little devices that are used to ignite the motors of model rockets. They’re just a small electrical coil covered with a dab of gunpowder and a binder to hold the whole thing together. Connect a battery to the leads and the gunpowder ignites and, in turn, so does anything else that’s close enough. Things like fuses, hair, skin, a tennis ball soaked in gasoline, a condom filled with propane…of course these are just theoretical examples and in no way reflect on the actions of the author, past or present. One day I had an epiphany. I would create the perfect fake gunshot…just like in the movies!

As I set out on this endeavor, I decided that my priority would be, of course, safety! I knew that I would need a protective shield between the explosives and myself and after some high level physics calculations I determined that the best material would be…of course…a Coffee Can. I cut a piece the same size as a pack of firecrackers. I determined that I would need cushioning material behind this blast shield so I looked for a material that demonstrated the appropriate damping properties and finally settled on a scrap of space age, high-tech, brown shag carpeting left over from my parents dining room. Now that the base was complete, I came to the delicate task of mounting the explosives to the base. For this all-important task I chose one of the strongest materials known to man…that’s right…Masking Tape. Because when you’re trying to restrain the devastating chemical force of gunpowder, nothing works better than a sticky piece of high tinsel strength paper. I attached this “explosive sandwich” to my waist with more tape and ran a lead to a battery in my pocket. I wore a loose fitting t-shirt to hide the “unit” and got my friend JD to stand in front of me to gauge the “look” of the experiment.

I would now like to explain a bit about what I thought would happen. I figured that it would look like I was getting blown away by Dirty Harry in one of those final scenes and I would lay on the ground having given one of the greatest death portrayals in history. (I wasn’t far off on that one) The moment came and I reached into my pocket and threw the switch. I expected an instantaneous blast but the fuse took a moment to reach the firecrackers. Now anyone who has ever lit a pack of firecrackers knows that they don’t all go off at once. This is where the first crucial engineering error took hold. Because as the first firecracker detonated, it miraculously overcame the powerful restraining force of the masking tape and launched the remaining 19 into the void between my shirt and my torso. (This is where I first thought ‘Hey, a second shirt between my skin and the explosives would have been a good idea!’ Let’s return to the action, shall we?) To recap, we now have 19 tiny bomblets, all of which have been ignited, floating in the space between my chest and my navel. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, the first detonation has also blasted loose the masking tape, which is now fully engulfed in flame so that, in the off chance that one of the firecrackers would extinguish, it will be instantly re-ignited by the flaming paper. At this point, the signals are starting to reach my brain and I kick into real panic. In a barrage of explosions, I flinch over and over as tiny flames burn my stomach. When the last blast fades and the smoke clears my neckline, I look down at the small holes smoldering in my t-shirt and slowly pat out the hotspots. It was here that the turning point takes place. My fascination with explosives might have died there had it not been for one thing. When all was done and the smoke cleared, I looked up at JD. He was looking at me with wide eyes and said “Whoa, that looked so real!” I was hooked once again. I knew I had to try again until I got it right. And after all, the scars have almost entirely disappeared.

In contrast there was my senior homecoming. By now I had perfected my technique and had a similar setup strapped to my right leg with the addition of a plastic bag filled with fake blood. It was going to be great. At halftime a friend of mine was going to chase me in front of the stands and I would throw the switch. It would appear to the crowd that he shot me in the leg. My friend Jon drove us all to the game and we watched the first half together. Halftime came and the moment of truth came. My other friends backed away, ready for the spectacle. We went into action and I threw the switch. Nothing happened! I threw the switch again…and again… Nothing! I looked down and saw a bit of red oozing through the pant leg of my white overalls. That’s right, my bag-O-blood leaked and wet down the fuse. I rode home in the front seat with a soggy red pant leg filled with grief that the moment had come and I had missed it.

Looking back it was probably a good thing. I would have most likely gotten in trouble and the cops might have freaked out and shot my friend before I could have explained. Had that happened, I might have gone to jail. Then I never would have gone to college, I would have been a total failure and at this very moment I might be scratching my grizzly, smelly, whiskers under my mask behind the wheel of a crappy Jeep, racing across an eastern desert on my way to a meeting of the Fraternal Brotherhood of the Monkey Bars. At the very least I probably would have blown off a finger or two by now!



Jack

"People generally quarrel because they cannot argue." - G. K. Chesterton
Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72543 12/17/04 05:48 PM
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Thank you! That was fantastic. My co-workers are looking at me funny as I try to stifle my laughing. This very much reminds of the 'genius' ideas I had as a kid growing up. How did we ever survive our own stupidity?

jr


"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." C Hitchens
Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72544 12/17/04 07:12 PM
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Awesome story. Do you have a link to the original so I can share it with others without making them visit here?

Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72545 12/17/04 07:39 PM
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Why?

Are you ashamed of us?

Great Story- well written!


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Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72546 12/17/04 09:33 PM
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great and well written indead. i had to take a break in the middle just to catch my breath.


------------------------------------------------
Leave the gun, Take the canolis.
Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72547 12/17/04 09:36 PM
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Peter, I knew you'd like it. Here is his blog site. There are other good stories here too. One about his black eye, and you've got to click the "07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004" link in the archives list and read "Monday, July 12, 2004
It's Raining Porn...Hallelujah... It's Raining Porn!" Another vaguely familiar childhood memory. Important note for those who opt to wade through this tale of shame and degradation: The grandmother to whom he refers is my Mother, whom I care for 24/7. What a great lady!


Disclaimer: I did some minor editing on the story I posted to make it a little more politically correct (gad, I hate that phrase). I did not wish to offend anyone. I didn't find it offensive in the least, but feared others might, though I don't think they should. Keep in mind that this is his journal to share his thoughts with his friends. His stories were not meant to be posted on a public forum.

Disclaimer #2: Chris' political leanings are to the the liberal side, though he hardly rants, or goes wacko. (Peter, you'll feel right at home )

Should you be interested in visuals, click on the "sledville" link; click "skip intro': then on his "Hawleyland" page which is under reconstruction, click on 'our wedding" and you'll find photos of................his wedding. Chris and Lorna Hawley are both commercial pilots, so they got married on an old classic TWA airliner. However, Lorna is now studying to be a veterinary technician because she's preggers and expecting in late April. Mary Hawley, Chris' Mom, is my older sister.


Jack

"People generally quarrel because they cannot argue." - G. K. Chesterton
Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72548 12/19/04 01:34 AM
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Jack - That was a hillarious story! Thank you.

Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72549 12/19/04 01:56 AM
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You're welcome, Turbo. I have a number of similarly ridiculous stories myself. As JamesR implied above, it's a miracle that many of us survive our childhood stupidity.


Jack

"People generally quarrel because they cannot argue." - G. K. Chesterton
Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72550 12/19/04 02:10 AM
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Yeah... some time I'll tell you about the time we had to clean out the high school darkroom and drew straws to see who would take out the 3-year-old nitroglycerine...

... or the detonator compound painted on the floor of the janitors closet (potassium perchlorate ? not sure, long time ago, but it was purple and crystallized and blew up real good when the janitor hit it with a mop)


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Re: WAY OT! And long. But funny!
#72551 12/19/04 01:18 PM
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Yep....have a few of them myself...not as much related to explosives, but still moments where I'm amazed that I'm still in one piece.


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