How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family?

None.

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Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchlines are too long.

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Gotta love the clown car vagina.

After a late night of partying, a guy invites his friends back to his new apartment. While he is giving them a tour, one of his friends notices a huge gong and hammer near the wall.

"What's up with the gong?", he asks.

"Oh that's not a gong, it is a talking clock."

His friends voice skepticism, "Dude, that's not a talking clock, it's obviously a friggin' gong."

The guy replies, "No, I swear, you hit it with that hammer as hard as you can and it tells you the time. Go ahead, give it a try."

His friend shrugs his shoulders, grabs the hammer, rears back, and strikes it with a loud: "GOOOOOOOOOOONG!"

After a few seconds they hear a voice from the other side of the wall, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE MORNING!"

Having a bad day?

We've all had bad days before and maybe wished it ended up like this...

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well!! Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...I can't stand to see a man crying!"

"This is the worst day of my life," I tell him."I'm a complete failure, I was late to a meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardner and my dog bit me."

"So I came here to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and wait here for the arsenic to dissolve, then some jacka$$ shows up and drinks the whole thing!! but enough about me...how's your day going?"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the oversized t-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

When it was all over she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy but a little puzzled, I asked, "Why are you thanking me?"

She answered, "Because the egg timer's broken."

Not mine.

"Can't you spare $2.00?"

Raji lives in a small village in Northern India. He is 9 years old. Through tagedies, he has only one leg, one arm, and one eye. His bike has a bent from wheel and only one pedal. His school is seven miles away. Every day this poor child makes his difficult way in the world.

So, please, send us $2.00. We'll send you a video. It's hilarious!

He's still got two ears apparently.