How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUTFORGETTING TO:

45.give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51.give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54.Never to forget:

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

I hope this on doesn't upset any Minnesota Viking fans, but I thought it was funny, so I'll give it a go.

A viking Convert
A Minnesota Viking family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Packer Brett Farve Jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Packer Fan and I would like this for Christmas". His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Packer Brett Farve Jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Packer Fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Packer Brett Farve Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Packer Fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today."

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"


The son replies, "I've only been a Packer Fan for an hour and I already hate you Viking Bastards."

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Alabama recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.


The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"


"Naw sir, I ain't got none of them thar licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."


"Pet fish?" said the game warden.


"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim round fer a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."


"Thats a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that! says the warden.


The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truch Mr. Government man, I'll show you, it really works."


"Okay said the game warden, I've got to see this!"


The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"


"Well what?" said the hillbilly.


The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"


The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"


"The FISH!" replied the warden.


"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.



We in Alabama may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees!

Oh that is GREAT !!

Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

i saw that jerry springer episode last week

Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(_) Exotic Dancer
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.

Peter, a local farmer decided that he wanted to breed pigs, so he bought several. Quite a while passed and he saw that the pigs weren't getting pregnant, so he called a veterinarian friend for advice. The vet suggested that he try artificial insemination. The farmer had no idea of what that was, but not wanting to appear ignorant he asked only how he'd know when the pigs got pregnant. The vet replied that "Instead of just standing around, they'll be rolling in the mud."

Well, after quite a bit of thought, the farmer decided that what was meant was that he had to impregnate the pigs himself. So, next morning he loads them all into his truck, drives out into the woods, and in the course of the day has sex with the whole bunch. He goes to sleep that night, exhausted, and when he gets up the next morning to check he sees that the pigs are still just standing around. Again he loads them all into the truck, drives into the woods, and repeats his efforts.

The next morning he's still so exhausted that he can't get up, so he asks his wife to go check on the pigs. When she gets back he asks "Are the pigs rolling around in the mud?". She answers "No, they're all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"

Was that a joke...

... from John K?

... I thought he was a machine.

Bren R.