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#54633 - 04/03/06 01:53 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bugbitten Offline

Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 2339
Loc: Madisonville, KY
The Two Catholic BOYS

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.

He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

Quit groaning!!!

#54634 - 04/04/06 12:39 AM Re: OT: Jokes
HomeDad Offline

Registered: 12/29/05
Posts: 3301
Loc: Central,California

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

#54635 - 04/04/06 04:34 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10457
Michael, very good. Doug, groannnn..., but It does remind me that when the Pope was in NYC on a visit the limo driver who was assigned to drive him around loaded all his luggage, but noticed that the Pope hadn't gotten in. The limo driver said "Your Eminence, please take your seat, or we'll be late". But the Pope replied "At the Vatican they never let me drive and enjoy myself. You sit in back and I'll drive". The driver protested that if something happened he'd be in big trouble, but the Pope reassured him, so the driver got into the back seat and off they went with the Pope driving. So the Pope floors it and soon the limo is doing 110 and after a brief chase the police stop it.

The cop comes over and when he sees who's driving he heads right back to his car and gets on the radio to the chief. "Chief, I just stopped a limo that was doing 110". "Bust them", replies the chief. Cop says "Chief, I don't think we want to do that, I think it's someone important". "Doesn't matter", says the chief, "Is it the mayor?". "Bigger". "Is it the governor?". "Bigger". "Well, who is it then?". "I can't see in back, but I think that it's God". "Why do you think that it's God?". "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!".

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.

#54636 - 04/04/06 07:17 PM Re: OT: Jokes
player8 Offline

Registered: 01/19/04
Posts: 521
Loc: PHX/Flagstaff, AZ
I like that one.

#54637 - 04/04/06 10:24 PM Re: OT: Jokes
rcvecc Offline

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 608
Loc: east haven ct

tonight, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00
in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.
i know,its not a joke but i thought id throw it in here
for the hell of it

#54638 - 04/04/06 10:32 PM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10457
Very good, Ron, but can you calculate when 02:03:04 05/06/07 will occur?

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.

#54639 - 04/04/06 11:05 PM Re: OT: Jokes
skyhawk669 Offline

Registered: 01/23/06
Posts: 436
Loc: Austin, TX
a little more than a year before 03:04:05 06/07/08...

#54640 - 04/04/06 11:07 PM Re: OT: Jokes
oz350z Offline

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 562
Loc: Atlanta
Thanks for the info. I'm gonna have to stay up for that!

"Life is what happens while your busy making other plans" John Lennon

#54641 - 04/05/06 12:26 AM Re: OT: Jokes
St_PatGuy Offline

Registered: 03/07/05
Posts: 7429
Loc: Glendale, Arizona
You guys need hobbies.
"Nothin' up my sleeve. . ." --Bullwinkle J. Moose

#54642 - 04/05/06 12:30 AM Re: OT: Jokes
St_PatGuy Offline

Registered: 03/07/05
Posts: 7429
Loc: Glendale, Arizona
And thanks for tempting me to stay up past my bedtime.
"Nothin' up my sleeve. . ." --Bullwinkle J. Moose

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