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Forums » General Discussion » The Water Cooler » OT: Jokes
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#54413 - 07/17/04 04:12 AM
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![]() shareholder in the making ![]() Registered: 04/02/03 Posts: 16437 Loc: Ben Lomond, California |
This one is similar to John's:
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you. |
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#54414 - 07/17/04 06:38 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 05/16/02 Posts: 1175 Loc: Ontario, Canada |
One Feather
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the Indians' headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. He explained, "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather". Feeling the first redskin was only joking she posed the same question to another brave who had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women; two women . two feathers". Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Based upon the previous two explanations Ms.Walters was quite intrigued to hear what the Chief had to say. She asked, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters exclaimed, "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied, "You damn right, me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." Taken aback by this outburst Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
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Shawn Epic 80/600 + M3's + M3 Algonquins + M2 Computer + EP125 I think I'm developing an addiction. |
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#54415 - 07/17/04 06:41 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 05/16/02 Posts: 1175 Loc: Ontario, Canada |
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 8th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
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Shawn Epic 80/600 + M3's + M3 Algonquins + M2 Computer + EP125 I think I'm developing an addiction. |
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#54416 - 07/17/04 06:45 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 05/16/02 Posts: 1175 Loc: Ontario, Canada |
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." Ernest Hemingway ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE GET SOME SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
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Shawn Epic 80/600 + M3's + M3 Algonquins + M2 Computer + EP125 I think I'm developing an addiction. |
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#54417 - 07/17/04 06:52 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 05/16/02 Posts: 1175 Loc: Ontario, Canada |
Some investment advice:
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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Shawn Epic 80/600 + M3's + M3 Algonquins + M2 Computer + EP125 I think I'm developing an addiction. |
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#54418 - 07/17/04 06:56 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 05/16/02 Posts: 1175 Loc: Ontario, Canada |
Texas Chili
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot of the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy SH#", what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*#-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Chili Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b*#$h is starting to look HOT!, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Damn those rednecks. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*# myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that #*@# Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh&# to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the four inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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Shawn Epic 80/600 + M3's + M3 Algonquins + M2 Computer + EP125 I think I'm developing an addiction. |
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#54419 - 07/17/04 11:59 AM
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![]() connoisseur ![]() Registered: 06/10/04 Posts: 1805 Loc: Colorado |
Remember ladys its just a JOKE.
Do you know why doctors spank a baby when its born?????? _ _ _ _ _ _To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
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LIFE IS SHORT. DON'T BE A DICK. |
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#54420 - 07/17/04 03:53 PM
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![]() shareholder in the making ![]() Registered: 05/03/03 Posts: 18044 Loc: NoVA |
Funny, I've heard that one the other way around.
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I am the Doctor, and THIS... is my SPOON! |
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#54421 - 07/17/04 04:54 PM
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![]() connoisseur Registered: 02/02/04 Posts: 2854 Loc: Rochester, NY |
Pete's earlier reference to Viagra was timely. There was a truckload of the stuff hijacked today in Virginia. They got away and haven't been found since. The police report they are searching for a group of hardened criminals.
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#54422 - 07/17/04 05:19 PM
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![]() axiomite ![]() Registered: 12/30/03 Posts: 6331 Loc: Cleveland, Ohio |
I love the Cialis(sp?) commercial where it says "if erection lasts more than 4 hours seek immediate medical help" In a situation like that MEDICAL is the last sort of help I'm gonna seek!
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Jack "People generally quarrel because they cannot argue." - G. K. Chesterton |
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