I spent the weekend with a high school friend. We were recalling some of the evil things we did for laughs.

So, what evil things did you do as a kid or teenager for laughs?

Better; what evil things did you do for a laugh when you were alone?

Stories glorifying lawlessness or physical violence are not encouraged, though I am no one's moral compass.

Murph'll be all over this in the morning, unless it's some sort of Canadian Holiday celebrating the St. Lawrence Seaway, or wool.

You first?

The boards have been so dead today, I thought I'd give you something to play with.

I need to wait for other responses first, so I know what's appropriate to share. You know I always think about what's appropriate before I contribute.

Always.

Mine are lame. I'm out.

There may be a medical school story or two if I can jog my memory.

I shot a man in Reno... just to watch him die.

Bren R.

Too bad you already wasted the banana suit on us. Pity is such an ugly emotion when the receiver is one's self.

OK. I'll start with one.

Most of the taller bldgs. in Boston were being built while I was in high school. The elevator technology wasn't what it is now and the first touch-sensitive light-up buttons were just coming into use. Many of them had a fatal flaw that I accidentally discovered.

So, as an afterschool law-firm messenger, I would go to the delivery address and wait with everyone else for the next lift. If there were too many people, and I were going to the 28th floor, I would try to be the first one on.

I would stand in the corner blocking everyone's view of the buttons, as they each would call out their floor. The minute I got on, I had punched the whole panel right in the middle and all the buttons would light up. I'd just be saying "Got it, got it. Anyone else?"

When the elevator would stop at the 2nd floor, I'd dash out and hear, as the doors closed, the tumtultuous grumbling when 11 people saw that every floor button was lighted. Then, grinning wildly, I would get on the first elevator to stop @ #2 next, which was always empty, and I'd have an express ride to #28.

All of mine are pretty lame too. I usually got caught and punished for minor crimes. Such as in school one day, I unplugged the clock on the wall and stuffed the cord up inside it. Then when the teacher looked away, I would stand up and change the time to be just a little faster than it normally would have been, in an attempt to get out of class sooner. (There were no bells in this school). I got caught and actually got a paddling for it in the principle's office.

I don't have any evil stories, but if we had acts of stupidity, I'm in. I learned a lot as a youngster...

Mine all trend more towards the acts of stupidity than they do toward bad things too.

Here's another one. I was in the Army at Fort Hood, TX. I know a little about auto mechanics, having completed a 9 month course in it before joining the Army (Only to learn I really didn't like to get greasy and the pay was too low). One of the people I encountered and rode around a bit in his volkswagen complained about it having an overall lack of power. I told him I could probably fix that, but he'd have to buy a ring kit and gaskets for it. He agreed. I took his engine out and dismantled it under a tree. I should of waited for him to buy the kit first, which he never did. I noticed it was beginning to rust real good sitting there in pieces. Then I got orders to leave the country and bye, bye, I'm off.

I still wonder what he did with his car with the engine in small pieces off to the side. I keep thinking I'll get off of work one evening and find my engine in small pieces beside my car in the parking lot.

Loaded up my little red wagon with snow, my cousin and I took it into a neighbours living room (the 50's nobody locked a house) we then dumped it. Stupid but true, and as you may guess we got caught.

I was about 7, now that I'm older I resist the temptation.

Drove our cars on Nose Hill Park (the park was in its infancy) many weekend nights and chased rabbits through parking lots around the airport, I would love to have a car that could corner like a rabbit.

That's a good one. It was only lame, 'cause you got caught.

One of my HS (and still) friends had polio in his left leg as a child. His left foot never grew properly.

When we would go bowling, we'd make sure he was in the middle of our line to get shoes.

His turn would come and he'd say "size 4 left and size 7 right." The shoe cluck would immediately make a face and start getting pissy.

Paul would ask again. Worse response. Then, we'd all start shouting the "polio-card" and demand that he come out from behind the counter and look.

His mortification was never enough for us. So, after we were finished with our strings, we would stop at the alley's corner burger concession, get the mustard and ketchup squeeze bottles and squeeze a bit into the toes of each shoe we were returning.

We'd go back and sit in the food area and wait for the first person on the lanes to yell out, "Oh, gross!," and go back to hassle the shoe cluck. Then, we'd leave, one at a time, in two minute intervals.

Bob, you would have fit in with us so well!

Some highlights.

My buddy was a bit too proud of being the first one to get an apartment. We purchased a padlock set, like you would see on a minibarn, and superglued it to his door along with an eviction sign.

Other uses we found for the same tube of superglue....
- We also glued his cast iron barbecue cover down.
- I glued another buddies keys into a nice flat stack. He had to put them in a vice and use a hammer and chisel to separate them.
- Did you know if you use enough drops of superglue on a passed out guys jeans, he will not be able to get out of the chair, nor will he be able to get out of his jeans to escape without being a contortionist. Warning; use multiple, very tiny drops verses a few big drops so it doesn't sink through to the skin. The first guy we did this too, we were not quiet careful enough. The second time worked much better.

Stag party where we camped at a lake.... Preset up the guest of honor's tent over double sheets of plywood. When he passes out, in the tent, carefully pick up the tent and lower it into a few inches of water. Choose a tent you don't mind being destroyed in the ensuing panic.

To the lady who used to work at the movie theater who wouldn't let us in to adult (Rated A, not porn) movies who lost her job and worked at Tim Horton's now....
- Six of us would line up and order one timbit each. Whomever was the one she would complain to, would order "Two timbits please".
- Pool our money together to get a 100 dollar bill from the bank. Get in her lineup and order one timbit with the one hundred dollar bill.

When going for a burger at Wendy's, one was always at risk that the chains used to corral people into lines would be clipped onto the belt loops of your jeans.

Taping tar paper to bedroom windows and setting their alarm clocks back was an old fashioned but yet still effective maneuver.

When my Mom was in the hospital for an extended period once, the babysitter used to always be late getting our supper because she watched soap operas all afternoon. Pretty much every parent in the neighborhood had supper at 5:00pm at the latest because all the kids gathered for street hockey at 5:30. I remedied this problem by coming home from school after 3:00 and sneaking into the basement and removing the fuse for the living room. Sneak back out, then wait a while and pretend you just arrived home. No TV = Supper on time.

You have already heard that spraying Pledge on hardwood floors beside a bed is an excellent way to teach your brother not to wear socks to bed.

I had an uncle who like to show off his cash in a gold money clip. The whole family made fun of him. I bought some of that super strong nylon thread and spend a lot of time carefully sewing all of his bills together. You absolutely could not tear those bills apart by hand. I also removed all the credit cards from his wallet to make it more interesting. Same Uncle also got in his car to go to work one morning with his hair all white from Baby Powder. What can I say, he man should have showered in the morning more.

Spreading a bag of chocolate chips on top of the blades of a ceiling fan is always fun. As is putting red KoolAid powder in a showercap after a horror movie.

Placing the glass eyeball my brothers and I found when we moved into an old doctor's house into the pot of soup should have been entertaining. We started to sweat when Father Jaimeson stopped in and was, of course, invited for supper. If there is a God, he must enjoy a good chuckle too because of course the eyeball ended up in his bowl. We were grounded for weeks after that one. ONe of the few times I ever thought my Da was ever mad enough to strike us.

When VCRs were just becoming big, we took a VCR and a porn tape to a local apartment building (small, just about 8 tenants) where we had noticed that 6 of the 8 apartments were stealing cable with a bunch of splitters. We hooked the main feed into the VCR and began entertaining the building with a little fresh content.

I won't say that I never did anything illegal (the usual teen stuff, underage drinking, running moonshine, etc.) but I only was involved in one, ongoing prank that could be deemed mildly illegal. Even after 20 some years, I think I'll refrain from posting that one online.

My Fav. and longest story.
At another Aunt and Uncle's farm where I spend a lot of my summer weekends a s a kid, my cousin and I played a bit of a trick on my Aunt with her dog. The dog loved getting in the truck and always would jump in first and prop himself up with his paws up on the steering wheel. This inspired us to steal the keys, put the dog in the truck and my cousin layed down on the floor of the cab to reach up and run the steering wheel while I sat on the passenger side with my hands behind my head in a relaxed position as I quietly directed my cousin to steer in circles around the house until my Aunt noticed.

What unexpectedly made this even better, that we did not plan on at all, was that the dog seemed to refuse to get off the wheel when my cousin turned it from below. He would just shimmy his paws back and forth on it to keep himself propped up. This really made him look like it was truly the dog turning the wheel. Sadly this was long before the days of video cameras. The results (including the look of bewilderment on my Aunt's face) were soooo much better than even expected.


I'm sure there are lots more if I think but I'm out of time for now.

Andrew, I wrote the topic with you in mind, and you did not (as usual) disappoint. There was a lot very naughty, funny stuff in there. Thanks for taking the time to amuse me.

OK, now that you've opened the gate to revealing things slighlty more insideous:

A small gang of us commuted from our corner of the city into downtown to go to school. Each neighborhood of the city was represented there, so it was a common sight.

On our way home on the subway, we would bring a few pieces of foam rolled up. They were about an inch thick, four inches wide and 24" long.
We would wait until a train came through that had a completely empty car.

We would position oursleves at the three sets of doors on the upcoming stop's platform side.

Just before the train would start pulling into the station, we would unfurl the foam and jam it through the door-set's rubber bumpers, so that 18-20" was now sticking outside of the train car.

As the train was pulling in, we'd see hats flying, newspapers coming apart into 40 sheets, spilled drinks, etc., etc. As sick little urban Vandals, what we really lived for was the shrieking and adults yelling F-bombs. Of course, we'd have to leap out and dash to the far exit, where we would run up the wrong way escalator and disappear into the busy streets. If you didn't grow up in a big, old city you just may not understand Urchinism.

It seems like many of Murph's pranks involve drinking and someone passing out.

Not sure what a timbit it either. Must be a Canadian thing. Google, here I come...

EDIT: Found it... A doughnut hole. Timbits!

Thanks, Nick. Horton's holes. Now we know one more helpful thing about Canadians. They're such nice people, aren't they?

I thought that it was some sort of Manitoban word for "ticket."

Great stories today.

I'm keeping a safe distance from Murph at the next get-together.

A buddy of ours passed out and we stuck his fingers in a glass of beer. Sure enough he p ssed his pants and woke up from all of us laughing.

First thing he said was "you basterds" and started violently shivering. That was mean!

I wonder who Tim was?

(Of the timbits fame, that is.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Horton

Tim Horton, former hockey player turned doughnut mogul.

Bren R.

It's a ubiquitous coffee/donut chain "up there."

The bigger question is:

Who is "Dunkin'" and who did HE play for?

Bren R.

The Wall Street Bulls

Man, I want a donut.

I remember my first Timmie's - getting a double double on the way to Dwight from Buffalo, with Peter and Tom in tow. The donuts were good, too.

Then I had to have an ADD moment and leave my reusable mug at Adrian's house.

Someone's telling me to try these:

Holey Donuts

Anyone here have any experience with them?

Must have been a basketball player, probably the Lakers.

Holy Moly. Now I want a donut too.

Awwe man, now I have to go to Timmies for lunch and a doughnut!

Just watch how much he is pushing you to drink...

And run at the first whiff of any cyanoacrylate!!!

(I should have taken full advantage of you guys when Wikipedia was down this week.)

Wouldn't have stumped me... C/A glue is a stock finisher's last hope. When you could carve all the way back to the buttplate and still not hit solid wood, degrease with trichloroethylene then soak the fibres in C/A and hope for the best.

Bren R.

Wait, which one is your sig pic and which one is your post?

After reading Murph's list, I have more reason to believe there was more moonshine than he said there was in the drink he made me at the Axiom gathering. Thank goodness I didn't drink it all!

Really, Bren! True love should never be that brutal, nor should the cleanup.