I've had a couple private conversations with a few of you here, and made a couple hundred posts. A few times people have commented on my attention to detail, or observational acuity.
About four years ago I was finally given a diagnosis which seemed to fit all my "symptoms". Through out school I was called dyslexic, OCD, and bipolar. Medications for any of those just made things worse. What seemed to work best, was just growing up, and learning to work with rather than against my head.
This page:
http://www.northeastkungfu.co.uk/LLI.htm is one of the best write-ups I've found of the dysfunction. Even then, I don't agree with everything the author says. But I guess that's in the complexity of the brain too.
One of the first clues that put the Doctor on the right track was when my vision started to slip, and I was given glasses. I said that I couldn't wear them, because I was seeing the frames and the glass. The eye Doctor told me that I'd get used to it. I couldn't, it was so unbearably distracting I couldn't stand to have them on for a day, I felt like was trapped inside of something. Contacts weren't as bad, but again the Ophthalmologist said "you'll get used to them", I was like how long should it take until I stop feeling them touching eye and the inside of my eyelids every one of the 1000s of times I blink throughout the day? She was confused by my continued level of discomfort and distraction after a week. Now, I just go uncorrected (and bought a bigger TV). It is all I can stand, and have actually found the slight loss of detail and near-sightedness is preferable to a sharply defined world.
One thing those pages I linked mentions is memory. From what I understand from talking to others my memory doesn't work the same. Nor does it work like those memorization experts. My working set is about the same as the average person; I can keep about seven things in my head at a time--provided I'm not being swamped by other input. If there is a lot going on around me, my working set falls to about two or three--it isn't possible to concentrate to boost that either. Playing back voice mail, with the phone receiver pressed to my ear, a pen in my hand, the texture of it moving over a PostIt pad is enough to make it so I can't recall enough numbers said in the last second to get them down on the paper. But I can rewire an equipment rack or an engine bay months after I took it apart. It isn't that I remember where all the wires went, it is just that in taking it apart I learned how it should be put back together.
My mom used to say, "you must have a photographic memory", when I'd recall where I last saw something she was looking for. But when I met someone who really had a eidetic memory, I knew I didn't. If I look into a room, I can later describe where objects were, how far from walls, what's sitting onto of other things. It isn't that I have a picture in my head, but more of a list of connections, sort of like a "flow" of objects as they relate to each other. The odd thing is, I'll know about things I didn't directly observe. In some cases it is like X-ray vision, as I know about electrical wiring. If there's a ceiling fan with two pull chains and only one switch on the wall, I'll "see" the single pair of wires running through the wall and across the ceiling to the fan. If there are multiple outlets and at some point a breaker trips yet half the outlets keep working, I'll immediately "see" two separate runs of wire. When working with old floppy disks or CRT televisions, I was paranoid about data loss or damage due to stray magnetic fields from speakers and would visualize a fuzzy haze around magnets even to the point where I felt like I could feel it.
Do people really have voices in their head while they think? The only time I hear myself is when I'm composing something to type or say ahead of time.
I love this one: "Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson." That is so true, and "everything" means
everything. Every word a person says to me is collected, analyzed, compared with everything else I know about them and knowledge in general, finally adjustments are made to my view of them, and possibly the world if it helps my understanding. Then, I'm ready for the next sentence.
On the second page, what I don't agree with is the part about driving a car. Well, not completely. I do have a minor panic attack every time I start to think about driving; it is just a huge rush of thoughts as I prepare myself. It is hard to drive when someone is talking to me, I have a two-seat sports car, I don't think I'd be able to handle more than one other person with me either. I ripped the stereo out--really, there's a hole in my dash. But alone, with the sound of the engine, transmission, tires on the road. The feeling of the wheel, the deceleration and yaw of my body in the seat entering a corner. It is a complete flow. But I know a lot about what's happening because of the details my dad (who used to run road rallies) filled my head with when I was a kid. The funny thing is I couldn't drive a manual transmission until I saw an exploded 3D animation of its internals. Then the next time out, it was just natural--though I still "see" what happens to each part as I push in the clutch and move the shift lever.
Background noise is indeed a problem, but white noise is OK. Nee, preferred if it drowns out other little things. I used to have a computer with really loud fans--like hair dryer loud. I'd sleep with it in the same room. People couldn't understand how I could do that. Really, white noise is required for me to get to sleep.
The page says, "Noticing things does not mean that you understand them. If anything, the abundance of what might be known lessens the desire to accumulate widespread knowledge." Again I don't agree, at least with the second part. The abundance of what might be known, makes me want to learn more. I can talk with seemed authority on just about any subject, because I absorb so many different things. If always feels like I'm getting closer to that big picture of everything as I make more connections.
"Unless your mind is calm and your emotions settled, you may find yourself becoming increasingly paranoid and potentially neurotic." Yeah.
This is what I meant by "growing up" helped. I think it was more of my mind fully maturing, and learning to calm myself. I still feel my mind race over things making bad connections and have a feeling of dread come over me. Even though what I just pieced together is unlikely; in my mind it is real.
The third page says something about a clothing shop. My take on clothing is: Shirts have to be light and baggy. Baggy jeans too. Baggy is better because it makes less contact with my skin--which I feel all the time. 100% cotton socks that breathe well. Slip-on shoes are preferred because they present an even pressure on the top of my feet unlike the bumpiness of laces. Though I do like thin soles as it is nice to feel the world as I walk (I also have an uncanny sense of balance, and awareness of my body's orientation in space), plus it makes driving easier to feel the feedback from the pedals.
I could write more, but most of you are probably inhibiting this as latent noise by now.
Mostly, I just wanted to write enough to know if anyone else here takes in the world in the same way? I always just figured everyone felt their clothes all day, and had a swarm of information spinning around their head. It wasn't until the glasses incident that someone told me different--I was 20.
