"Comedy's in my blood, which explains why people only laugh when I'm actively bleeding."
"The only thing worse than cannibalism is eating a cannibal's puke."
"And they puke a lot, especially after eating this course that's name translates to 'One Cheek.' I can only assume it's a half-assed attempt at cannibal cuisine."
"I used to think I was good at not stepping on people's toes, but it turned out all the people I knew just had very small feet."
"You might be a redneck if you're not a blueneck or a greenneck."
"MeOWWWWWWWW!" said the cat as it entered purrgatory.
"Welcome to Hell!"
"Thanks for the super-warm welcome."
"I have an inoperable male brain on my tumor."
"If nothing is impossible, then I guess I do the impossible every day."
"There's nothing like screwing a woman made of nails, except maybe nailing a woman made of screws."
"I'm not fat. I'm just morbidly big-boned."
"I feel like I'm throwing golden boomerangs and getting back silver ones."
"I'm running for office. I guess that'll get in me in good enough shape for a desk job."
"I like looking at someone's chest and saying that I can't make heads or tails of it."
"A match made in Heaven is inferior to a lighter made in Hell."
"By the pallor of Grayscale, I have the pallor!"
