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#204412 - 04/15/08 11:31 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: SirQuack]
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10379
The Pope's visit has reminded me again of a visit to NYC by one of his predecessors. The limo driver assigned to take him to an event noticed that the Pope was just waiting outside the car. "Your Eminence", he said, "please get in or we'll be late".

The Pope told him though that although he loved to drive fast cars, that they never allowed him to do that at the Vatican. He said "You get in back and I'll drive".

The driver protested that if something happened that he'd be in big trouble, but the Pope reassured him, so the driver climbed into the back compartment and the Pope drove off. So he floors it and soon they're doing over 100.

After a brief chase a policeman stops them, but when he sees who's driving he immediately goes back to his car to radio the department and talk directly to the chief. "Chief, I just stopped a limo doing about 105, but I'm not sure what to do next".

"Bust 'em", the chief responds. "But chief, this is someone real important". "Doesn't matter. Is it the mayor?". "Bigger". "Is it the governor?". "Bigger". "Well, who is it then?".

The cop responds "I couldn't see into the back, but I think that it's God". "Why do you think that it's God?". "Because he's got the Pope for a limo driver!".
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#204417 - 04/16/08 12:17 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: JohnK]
Mojo Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3292
\:D . That's a very good one.

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#204433 - 04/16/08 07:52 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Mojo]
DaveG Offline
aficionado

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 868
Loc: WI
\:D
_________________________
Dave

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#204452 - 04/16/08 10:44 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: DaveG]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6387
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia
Mitch Hedberg quotes/jokes

I'm enjoying Mitch and Lewis Black today.
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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#204466 - 04/16/08 01:02 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: medic8r]
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10856
Loc: Central NH
I bought a couple of Mitch Hedberg CDs the day he died.

I guess I should have bought them a little earlier.
_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#210524 - 06/03/08 05:53 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: MarkSJohnson]
SirQuack Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 01/29/04
Posts: 13325
Loc: Iowa
Bob works hard at the local auto plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's on my bowling team.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's a waitress at the golf club. Must be working two jobs. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
_________________________
M80s-VP180-QS8s-EP600-2xEP350 Denon3808 Outlaw7700
M22-OWM22-VP100-Denon2805
Audio Nirvana

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#210670 - 06/04/08 02:26 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: SirQuack]
alan Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/29/02
Posts: 3186
Loc: Toronto/New York/Dwight
A good one.

This email humor arrived in my in-box last week. I don't often share email humor, but this one is genuinely funny:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL


Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON Cooper - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
_________________________
Alan Lofft,
Axiom Resident Expert

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#210677 - 06/04/08 03:12 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: alan]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6387
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia
I think that about covered it...
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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#210682 - 06/04/08 03:31 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: medic8r]
tomtuttle Offline
axiomite

Registered: 06/20/03
Posts: 8280
Loc: Tacoma
Very good, Alan! Thank you!
_________________________
bibere usque ad hilaritatem

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#210688 - 06/04/08 03:43 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: tomtuttle]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6387
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia
Sean, I forget. Why did Negative Orange cross the road?
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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