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#54653 - 04/26/06 01:28 PM Re: OT: Jokes
HomeDad Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 12/29/05
Posts: 3301
Loc: Central,California
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response, except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little s**t. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
_________________________
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Top
#54654 - 04/26/06 03:39 PM Re: OT: Jokes
Ray3 Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 02/02/04
Posts: 2844
Loc: Rochester, NY
What has 36 eyes and 7 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

An dyslexic agnostic with insomnia lays awake all night pondering the question - "Is there really a Dog?"

Top
#54655 - 04/26/06 04:57 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bugbitten Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 2339
Loc: Madisonville, KY
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.

"They're watch dogs!"


Top
#54656 - 04/27/06 08:20 AM Re: OT: Jokes
RickCathey Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 67
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said,"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"



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#54657 - 04/27/06 11:26 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16298
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
tasteless joke warning....


Three pregnant women are sitting on a park bench kitting sweaters for their unborn children.

The first mother puts down her knitting and pops a pill into her mouth. The other two ask her what she took and she replies, "Vitamin E, it's good for the baby." The other women nod in agreement and continue knitting.

A short while later, the second mother pops a pill into her mouth, as well. The other two women ask the same question. She replies, "Vitamin D, it's good for the baby." Again, the others nod in agreement.

After a short pause, the third mother emits an exasperated sigh, tosses her knitting aside, rummages through her purse, and then pops a pill into her mouth. The other women ask her about the pill. She replies, "Thalidomide. I just can't seem to get the arms to come out straight on this damn sweater!"
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54658 - 04/27/06 02:17 PM Re: OT: Jokes
BrenR Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 3602
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
In reply to:

Thalidomide.


Ouch. *wipes away a tear of laughter*

Bravo, Peter!

Bren R.

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#54659 - 04/27/06 03:21 PM Re: OT: Jokes
littleb Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 08/03/03
Posts: 1235
Loc: Moorhead, Minnesota/US
He truly is the king of all joketellers.

Top
#54660 - 04/27/06 03:30 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16298
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
I love the internets. My joke delivery in person could use some work.
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

Top
#54661 - 04/27/06 10:21 PM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10412
A little boy was asking his mother about God: "Mom, is God a man or a woman?". She answered " Son, God is a man and a woman".

"Mom, is God black or white?". "Son, God is black and white".

"Mom, is God gay or straight?". "Son, God is gay and straight".

"Mom, is God Michael Jackson?".
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54662 - 04/28/06 05:07 PM Re: OT: Jokes
mwc Offline
aficionado

Registered: 07/21/02
Posts: 958
Loc: Texas(DFW)..that country to th...
The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen
_________________________
*Does your train of thought have a caboose?*

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