And I thought I'd go the distance for a punch line.

I lose.

Then again, I got 1/2 way through it before I realized that you weren't "recounting" anything at all. Up to that point you had my deepest empathy and I was gonna swap MY HD and Lowe's fart stories, but not now.

Can't remember if this one's been told here or not, but here goes:

A man came home with a sheep in his arms and upon entering his house and seeing his wife said, "This is the pig that I have sex with when you are not available."

The man's shocked and disgusted wife said, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep!"

The man said, "I wasn't talking to you."

This is my brother-in-law's witty humour - true story!

I was helping my bro-in-law finish his basement over the Easter weekend. We were installing drywall on the ceiling and had a number of holes to cutout for pot lights. To get the holes cut right, we put lipstick on the bottom of the pot lights, held the drywall up in place and pressed it against the pot light which left the circle impression from the lipstick for us to cut out. Great technique that works very well BTW. So I got a glob of lipstick on my thumb and accidentally smeared it on the drywall before I noticed. So I turn to my bro-in-law and ask him how we get lipstick off as I had no idea - his immediate response was 'Get married'.

Some of you probably have already heard of the latest device from Apple....the iTit....Apple annonced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music...the iTit will retail between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size....this is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Is that, like, totally for augmentation or can it be used reconstructively as well?

I think they should also make a penile implant called "one i," or "1i." It would contain cell phone components so you could set it on vibrate, take pix (in little or no light), listen to Queensryche, or phone to change next week's dental appointment. The ultimate multi-tasking schmuck for your putz.

It would also free up a pocket for other things, like a hole at the bottom.

I was riding the commuter train to an appointment in the city last week.

Sitting across from me was a beautiful young Thai woman. Our eyes briefly met.

I kept thinking, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection." But she did.

Man calls 911. "I think my wife is dead."

911 operator: "Why do you think that?"

Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the ironing is really building up."

Thanks, Bob.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

What's sad is I actually dreamed about this last night after reading your post. I remember thinking I had to fiddle with the knobs to get it to work right. I'm not joking.