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#331839 - 12/17/10 12:13 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Adrian]
Da_Gimp_Pimp Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 4022
Loc: Sitting down somewhere
If you're walking through the desert and the wheels fall off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?......13- because baseballs don't have babies'!
_________________________
Does a dyslexic atheist not believe in dog?

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#331840 - 12/17/10 12:41 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Da_Gimp_Pimp]
BobKay Online   content
connoisseur

Registered: 03/23/10
Posts: 3161
Loc: Massachusetts Badlands
Originally Posted By: wheelz999
If you're walking through the desert and the wheels fall off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?......13- because baseballs don't have babies'!


You forgot.....and peanut butter isn't blue.
_________________________
"Ya rolls the dice and ya takes yer chanskes."
Popeye

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#331847 - 12/17/10 01:01 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: BobKay]
Da_Gimp_Pimp Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 4022
Loc: Sitting down somewhere
Dang it Bob, you've heard that one before laugh .
_________________________
Does a dyslexic atheist not believe in dog?

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#331850 - 12/17/10 01:27 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Da_Gimp_Pimp]
Ken.C Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/03/03
Posts: 17782
Loc: NoVA
Wow, a real shaggy dog story, other than the one that ends with ice cream has no bones!
_________________________
I am the Doctor, and THIS... is my SPOON!

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#331851 - 12/17/10 01:41 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Ken.C]
CatBrat Offline
axiomite

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 5872
Loc: Milky Way Galaxy


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#337489 - 02/08/11 10:23 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: CatBrat]
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16280
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend, relative, or even a neighbor -- to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#337492 - 02/08/11 10:32 AM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: pmbuko]
medic8r Offline
axiomite

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6396
Loc: Fredericksburg, Virginia
This was on my local Craigslist, in the "Rants and Raves" section. No idea if it is original, or, more likely, one of those often-passed memes from the web. Anyway, it was pretty funny:

----

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
_________________________
"The Universe is the game of the self, which plays hide and seek forever and ever" - Alan Watts

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#340738 - 03/03/11 05:06 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: medic8r]
Adrian Offline
axiomite

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 6613
Loc: It's all about the location.
Two engineering students are riding their bikes across campus when one of them says to the other...

"Where did you get that awesome looking bike?"

The other engineering student answers....

"This beautiful girl came riding up to me the other day, throws the bike down, tears off all her clothes and tells me I can have whatever I want...... so I took the bike."

The other engineer thinks it over for a minute....

"Good choice, I doubt if the clothes would have fit you."
_________________________
Half of communication is listening. You can't listen with your mouth.

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#340742 - 03/03/11 05:33 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: Adrian]
J. B. Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1271
Loc: Quebec, Canada
this irish guy walks on the street, passes by a tavern and when he's gone about 50 ft further,he turns around saying to himself "i finally succeeded, this is worth a beer or two" and goes in the tavern to celebrate.


Edited by J. Bellemare (03/03/11 05:34 PM)
_________________________
See:http://www.blu-ray.com/community/gallery.php?member=Gelli
or: Axiom Gallery

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#341421 - 03/09/11 02:57 PM Re: OT: Jokes [Re: J. B.]
Kruncher Offline
devotee

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 484
Loc: Maple Ridge, BC
For the adolescent and the adolescent-at-heart... I received this one today via email. A little heads-up: click elsewhere if some profanity isn't your thing:

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red-aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

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