Reasons why life is better as a complete quadriplegic:
1) A pair of shoes will last a lifetime.
2) You never have to do any chores.
3) People wait on you hand and foot.
4) You get money for doing nothing.
5) You feel virtually no pain.
6) You don't have to look for a seat in a crowded room.
7) You get to bring a reclining chair to the movies.
8) Your personal chauffeur takes you where you want to go.
9) You never get your clothes all sweaty (you don't sweat below the neck).
10 You're never tempted to shoplift.
11) You'll never get germs from doorknobs.
12) There's no reason to be afraid of needles.
13) You can endure a beating like no other.
14) You don't have any nervous body movements (ex. Swaying, hands shaking, etc.).
15) You'll never mess up wet nail polish.
16) Childbirth
17) You won't pick scabs.
18) Short lines at amusement parks
19) Everyone politely opens doors for you.
20) Your feet never fall asleep.
21) You have an excuse not to work out.
22) People move out of your way when driving (you get the right-of-way).
23) You don't have to clap at a really lame speech.
24) You won't dirty hands while eating a messy meal.
25) You're not very abusive.
26) You'll never be agitated by a wedgie.
27) You'll never step your foot in gum or dog dookie.
28) No one can completely critique how well your clothes fit since you're always sitting.
29) No more writers cramp
30) Your servants feed you.
31) You won't trip.
32) You don't have to "make the first move."
33) No one cares if you're short.
34) You're never responsible for making a mess.
35) You'll never get caught picking your nose.
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Goodnight oracle Bob. Here's your bedtime glass of warm milk with Viagra and OxyContin.
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