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#54453 - 07/11/05 07:51 PM Re: OT: Jokes
snakeyes Offline
aficionado

Registered: 07/13/04
Posts: 828
Loc: Newburgh, NY
good one Tom
_________________________
------------------------------------------------
Leave the gun, Take the canolis.

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#54454 - 07/11/05 09:31 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bray Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 06/10/04
Posts: 1792
Loc: Colorado
OK. Here goes. And for your information a lady told me this one.


Why do doctors spank babys when they are born??











To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
_________________________
LIFE IS SHORT.
DON'T BE A DICK.

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#54455 - 07/12/05 02:20 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16268
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
You already told us that one, bray.

Here's new one. A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurants' owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant."

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54456 - 07/12/05 03:45 PM Re: OT: Jokes
richeydog Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 1201
Loc: Fresno, CA
Good one Peter. I wouldn't try the pea soup if you know what I mean.
_________________________
*Michael*
AV123 Refugee - X-LS Encore, X-Voce, X-Omnis, Elt-Dpa's
Denon AVR-591
Magnavox NB500MGX BDP


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#54457 - 07/12/05 04:40 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bugbitten Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 2339
Loc: Madisonville, KY
ROTFLMAO

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#54458 - 07/12/05 05:03 PM Re: OT: Jokes
michael_d Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 3889
Loc: Up yonder
Disclaimer: A girlfreind sent me this and I am the only boy with six sisters.

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
;----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

_________________________


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#54459 - 07/12/05 05:08 PM Re: OT: Jokes
michael_d Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 3889
Loc: Up yonder
Might as well piss off the rednecks.....

That Southern style….


The top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the NUMBER ONE thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is

1. Elvis who?

_________________________


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#54460 - 07/12/05 06:02 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16268
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
A housewife decides one day that she absolutely must have a boob job. She starts hounding her husband, who doesn't want to put in all the overtime.

After weeks of prodding, he has an idea and tells her to just wipe toilet paper between her boobs every day and they will grow. The housewife is very doubious but she tries his treatment nonetheless. Every time she nags, he tells her to use the TP and her boobs will surely grow.

Months later she re-measures herself and is dissapointed to find that nothing has changed. Frustrated, she confronts her husband.

"I feel stupid!" she cries. "Every day for the last four months I've rubbed toilet paper between my boobs, and they haven't budged!"

"I don't know what to tell you," he replies. "It's been working like a charm on your ass."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54461 - 07/12/05 06:06 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16268
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
And another.


Harry is in an old folks home and has too much time on his hands so he starts going out to the garden every night to watch the sun set. Bertha is also bored and lonely so she starts following him outside. Over many months they talk and become very close.

Eventually the conversation leads to sex. Harry tells Bertha that he doesn't really miss it but comments that it sure would help him feel like a man if a woman would just hold it now and again. It becomes their ritual over the next few months for Bertha to hold Harry’s manhood while they talk of their grandchildren and compare fiber supplements.

One night Bertha is shocked to see that Harry is not in the garden. She waits but he never arrives. Worried, she scoots her walker towards the nurse's station to ask about Harry. On the way she passes the TV room and finds Harry sitting with Ruth.

As she hobbles closer she notices that Ruth too is helping Harry to feel like a man. Hurt, Bertha cries out "What does she have that I don't??"

Harry answers, "Parkinson’s."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54462 - 07/12/05 06:07 PM Re: OT: Jokes
mikei Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 35
Loc: Califonia. Land of the Govern...
Got this one today via email. Hope you like it.

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end.
Will always be my very best friend.

Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme with anything
and I don't give a sh*t.

Amen



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