Ikea is getting into antiques...

Oh and I'd be remiss if I didn't share this blond joke

That's pretty rich...

Hilarious, but I didn't get the part about the penguin?

The penguin was wearing a BLONDE WIG! Hilarious!

Oh, now I get it!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!


: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

How did the Roman rapist confess his sin?



"Vidi, Vici, Veni"

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find
two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?

"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but
this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak
Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
12 twenty- five pound king crabs and 6 good-size
Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow."

Ah yes, Michael, attitudes toward the death of a spouse do differ. Another example was the search that the CIA was conducting a few years ago for an assassin. After doing thorough background checks, three candidates for the job remained in the running. For the final test each of the applicants was handed a gun, informed that his wife was sitting in a chair in the next room, and told that he had to kill her. One immediately protested that he never could do something like that, and so was disqualified.

The second candidate walked into the next room, but a minute later came out with tears streaming down his face, saying that when he saw her he was too overcome to shoot. He was also disqualified, of course.

Then the third applicant walked to the room and almost immediately a string of thirteen shots was heard, followed by much banging and screaming. He came out somewhat disheveled looking and panting: "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks! I had to kill the bitch with the chair!"