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#54513 - 09/30/05 11:46 PM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10387
Man walks into the confessional and says to the priest "Father, I'm 76 years old and just had sex with two 18 year old girls". The priest replies "That's quite a sin. How long ago was your last confession?" "Father, I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish". The puzzled priest asks "Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling everyone!"
_________________________
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Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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#54514 - 10/13/05 09:49 PM Re: OT: Jokes
rcvecc Offline
aficionado

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 608
Loc: east haven ct
Fastest thing you can think of


An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of
them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked
the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already [censored] in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!






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#54515 - 10/14/05 02:06 AM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16273
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
That's funny Reminds me of another joke on the topic:

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54516 - 10/14/05 02:46 AM Re: OT: Jokes
spiffnme Offline
axiomite

Registered: 04/01/03
Posts: 5214
Loc: Los Angeles
blonde joke...


Two blonde friends are walking through a parking lot on their way shopping. They find a compact mirror on the ground and pick it up. The first blonde opens it, and exclaims "Wow...she sure looks familar!". The second girl grabs the mirror away and looks for herself. She turns to her friend and explains, "of course it does silly - it's me!"




_________________________
"A nation cannot prosper long, when it favors only the prosperous." -President Barack Obama

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#54517 - 10/14/05 10:30 AM Re: OT: Jokes
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10878
Loc: Central NH
A new employee is hired at the tickle me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the personnel managers door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are tickle me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new
employee surrounded by mountains of tickle me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to
give Elmo two - test - tickles..

_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#54518 - 10/14/05 01:28 PM Re: OT: Jokes
MarkSJohnson Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 10878
Loc: Central NH
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

_________________________
::::::: No disrespect to Axiom, but my favorite woofer is my yellow lab :::::::

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#54519 - 10/17/05 11:02 PM Re: OT: Jokes
bray Offline
connoisseur

Registered: 06/10/04
Posts: 1792
Loc: Colorado
A man walked into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi...you know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month...I'd really much rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter."

"You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes, because of the long hours and meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The man said, "You're bull sh--ing me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
_________________________
LIFE IS SHORT.
DON'T BE A DICK.

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#54520 - 10/18/05 01:34 AM Re: OT: Jokes
AdamP88 Offline
aficionado

Registered: 08/12/03
Posts: 639
Loc: Omaha, NE
Nice one, bray!

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#54521 - 10/25/05 08:33 PM Re: OT: Jokes
pmbuko Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 16273
Loc: Leesburg, Virginia
An airline pilot walks into a airport pub at LAX, spies a beautiful brunette sitting alone at the bar and approaches on her right side. He places his left hand on the bar so she can clearly see his expensive watch.

"Like my watch?" he asks. "It uses special crystals to tell me things about people."

"Oh, really?" says the brunette, clearly unimpressed. "What does it tell you about me?"

"You're not wearing any underwear," he replies.

"I think you better return your watch," she chuckles, "because I am wearing underwear."

"What?" he says, looking down at his watch. "Ah. It's still on Denver time."
_________________________
"I wish I had documented more…" said nobody on their death bed, ever.

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#54522 - 10/26/05 01:43 AM Re: OT: Jokes
JohnK Offline
shareholder in the making

Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 10387
Peter, a pregnant woman walks into a bank, right into the middle of an armed robbery in progress. In the ensuing melee she's shot three times in the stomach. Rushed to the hospital, she's operated on and the doctor tells her that she's going to have triplets and that each of them will be born with a bullet in its stomach. He assures her that this won't cause permanent harm and that eventually the bullets will pass out through natural processes.

The woman has two healthy girls and a boy and all's well. One day about 14 years later one of the girls approaches the mother and says "Mom, the weirdest thing just happened. I was on the toilet and a lead bullet came out!" Mother tells her not to worry and explains about the robbery at the bank.

The next week the second daughter comes up crying "Mom, something terrible just happened in the bathroom." Mother says "Could it possibly be that you passed a bullet?" The girl is very surprised at this until the bank incident is related.

Then the following week the boy comes up and says "Mom, I just did a terrible thing". Smiling, she says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet?" "No, I was masturbating and accidentally shot the dog."
_________________________
-----------------------------------

Enjoy the music, not the equipment.



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