ouch!

I actually came up with that all by myself. It's one of the more painful jokes I know...

A doctor is examining a man. He stops and tells the man with a foreboding tone, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man responds, "Dear God, doc. Why?"

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

"But doctor, I'm having a stroke!"

A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dod for Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner apppears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep', the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from his initial shock, he says 'So what's your story?'

The lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the Gov't, so I told the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of the most valuable spies for 8 yrs running, but the jetting around tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.'

'I took a job at the airport security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered many plots and dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed, he goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

'Ten Bucks', the owner says.

'Ten Bucks? this dog is amazing! why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a friggin' liar...he never did any of that shit!'

errr, Dod=Dog

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Nick 'The Dragon Slayer' obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be certain death should he ever try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day, Nick revealed his secret to his colleague Horatio "The Physician", the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to do so.

Without pause, Nick agreed to the scheme.

The following day, Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambres to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hrs, would cure this type of itch, and that tests showed that, among all citizens of the Kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as an antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put in his mouth, and for the next four hrs, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching eventually subsided, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio would never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick....

The moral of the story....


PAY YOUR FREAKING BILLS!!!

That's funny! Can I send it to my slow-paying clients?

You want to send the joke or the powder?

Depends on the client....

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they finished putting on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done so she called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from those little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out the long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.