I was going to stop by on Monday with a Christmas wish, but I was afraid that there just might be something to this 12/21/12 thing, so I’ve moved it up my calendar. Just to be safe, you should probably spend most of tomorrow making end-of-days preparations; give the dog a bath, p/u the vacuum at the repair shop, drop off the dry cleansing, check on the delivery status of your Amazon order, and get to the P.O. with those change-of-address cards...
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but hey, it’s not like the Mayans and I were ever tight, ya know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for letting blood and exposing entrails in MY name, but those people were more than confused and just plain crazy. No telling what they were capable of.
On the bright side, is it really worth living without Funny Bones and Ring Dings? I tried to broker a last minute deal with a Chinese company, but they wanted to reformulate the “crème” filling with partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil whipped with granulated melamine. I told them, “Sorry guys, but this ain’t dog food or baby formula here, no deal.” (I tried, I failed, so kill me. Perpetuity can be such a yawn.)
Anyway, I’d like to wish you all…
Jesus Christ, what is it now?
“Well, I was just thinking…”
No, no, not that again! Look, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you over 2,000 times, you’re not getting a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift!
“But everyone else…”
Oh, and if everyone else was going to hell in a hand basket for Xmas break, then you’d wanna go, too! You have been such a slacker. I know times are tough and lots of peoples’ adult kids move home---for a while! You’ve been here for 1,979 years and nothing!
“What about the huge success of my WWJD bracelets?”
Ya, well Lance Armstrong had bracelets, too! BFD! And what’d you do with most of the profits? You gave ‘em to the Knights of Columbus! And what’d THEY spend it on? A “water cooler” contract from Grey Goose and a karaoke machine for every post in North America! At least you didn’t give any to the Masons.
Holy Mary, Mother of GOD, will you come get him outta here so I can finish this?!
“Can you come help me make the fish sandwiches for lunch?” I’m fresh outta tartar sauce and I thought you could whip up something, you know, like from nothing.”
Sorry. Where was I? Oh! A Christmas wish for you.
PEACE ON EAR.........hell, who’m I kidding. LOOK! The FedEx truck is in the driveway! Yaaay!!!
Note to Scott:
Ya, well I hate YOUR kids’ birthdays, too!
(as dictated to GOD’s humble messenger on earth, PopeBobthe53rd@gmail.com)
Edited by GOD (12/19/12 12:33 PM)
I picked up dog chews at the store. Made in Cambodia. I thought, "dog-eat-dog." I put them back.