Ah yes, Peter, and I also heard of a young lad who wasn't quite as religious as he first appeared.

Tommy steps into the confessional and says: "Bless me father, for I have sinned; I've been involved with a loose woman". The priest responds "If that's you, little Tommmy O'Boyle, you must name the woman".

Tommy then says "Yes father, it's me, but I cannot betray her". The priest asks "Was it Mary Flynn?" Tommy responds "I cannot tell".

The priest then asks "Was it Patricia O'Neill?" Tommy insists "It wouldn't be right for me to say".

The priest continues "Was it Cynthia Sheehan?" Tommy again responds "My lips are sealed".

The priest nevertheless continues "Was it Meagan O'Hara?" Tommy again replies "The woman will not be named".

Exasperated, the priest tries a fifth name "Was it Margaret Shaughnessy?" Tommy insists "Father, you'll not get a name from me".

The priest then says "Tommy, you're a stalwart lad, but you've sinned. Say ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and sin no more".

Tommy then returns to his pew and his friend Sean whispers "What did you get?". Tommy responds "Five good leads!".

Q: What has six balls and screws old ladies?

A: The lottery.

and now back to the nuns...


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren!" *Poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna!" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini," says the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Very well, Peter. Mother Superior to grocer: "I'd like 120 bananas for the convent". Grocer: "If you're going to buy such a large quantity I can give you a better price if you take an entire box of 144". Mother Superior: "Well...I suppose that we could eat the other 24".

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

Drunk guy comes stumbling in late and falls flat on his face in the kitchen in front of his wife. She says "what do you have to say for yourself?" He says "Well, I don't have any prepared remarks but I will be taking questions from the floor"

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . . .

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package on
the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand
new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday