Well, if your going to take me seriously. heh heh.
You could also pay a ridiculous amount of money to a stock photo/video websight.
or
if you have good capture software, Youtube has a few options such as ...
This one. Animated but pretty real looking Not the retro look you were probably looking for but might do in a pinch.
Speaking of retro and since you said it will be humorous. How about the opening of the Muppet Show? Dubb in a different intro message over Kermit's Intro. The backdrop rises up with him in it staring downward and then the curtains open.
YouTube version but you would have to TIVO or go elsewhere for image quality. 
