I appreciate your efforts to dispel the notion that the entire eastern seaboard is "civilized".

Sounds like you've got it pretty much figured out, to me. Although I think Mark's suggestion has merit.

And, since Ray isn't here, and even though I know it's not really an option, I've got to put "sell the wife" out there.

Are you SURE extending the cable isn't economically feasible? It would probably pay for itself in 20-30 years, at which time you'll probably have paved roads out there and everything.
bibere usque ad hilaritatem