Have you ever scrubbed your cats with a washboard down by the river?
Still my favorite story from the "user submitted IRC chat database" :
<raven> Any cat people here? I've got a problem with Nicky... <Leth> I've been known to be handy with a wok <Lore> Why, I'm a cat person. <raven> I took Morgan to the vet yesterday - he was gone for a total of 45 minutes, got two vaccs and a blood draw. <raven> Brought him home and Nicky went BALLISTIC. <raven> Spent the rest of the night yowling and hissing and attacking MOrgan. <CrazyClimber> nicky smells the hospital smells on morgan <Lore> Yeah, I've seen that happen. <raven> Is there anything I can do to get the hospital stink off him, then? Pack his carrier in coffe grounds or something? <tieboy> how about a bath <CrazyClimber> just give it a day or so <Lore> We tried catnip and butter, and neither worked. <agent_orange> butter? <agent_orange> you buttered your cat? <Lore> Yes. <raven> it's the best way to butter the house. <raven> Cats are effective butter delivery units. <Lore> We read somewhere to put butter on a cat's forehead. <agent_orange> did the emolient facilitate insertion? <Lore> And the other cat licks it off, and likes the first cat, because it tastes like butter. <Lore> As I said, it didn't work. <agent_orange> you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats foreWHAT THE F*** WERE YOU THINKING <tieboy> rub the two cats together vigorously until they smell like each other <agent_orange> piss on them both at the same time <tieboy> KITTY TASTES LIKE BUTTER <raven> It's more fun to put tape on their feet. <agent_orange> why not do both <agent_orange> and then get out the handycam <Lore> I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead." <agent_orange> AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed, freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of steaming miller lite <Samwise> You know what helps with feuding cats, Lore? Sending me lots of cash. <agent_orange> now, see, I read somewhere -- <agent_orange> I think it was leviticus <agent_orange> -- that what you should do is frost them <agent_orange> betty crocker, right out of the can <raven> Chocolate or buttercream? <Leth> rave: go chocolate, buttercreme isn't pareve <CrazyClimber> you're frosting meat? <agent_orange> and then there'a always Cat Wellington <agent_orange> "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?" "Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!" <agent_orange> "Why don't you baste the chicken while you're at it, too, dear?" "Baste the ... *light bulb* ...Sure! Sure, I'll 'baste the chicken'!" <CrazyClimber> a google images search for "buttered cat" returns a picture of isaac hayes <agent_orange> chocolate salty cat balls